AIBU to feel confused by my husband's colleague's reactions?

[QuarryQueen]

My DH works in a female dominated sector and I recently became friendly with one of his female colleagues after meeting her at a birthday party and our DC5 got on well with her DC4. We'll call her Abi.

We exchanged numbers and planned a playdate which went well. We arranged another playdate a few weeks after the first one and this was where things started getting weird. We went to soft play near her house and afterwards I asked if there was a nice country pub nearby as we'd probably go out for dinner as it was getting late and we were about 40 mins from home. I'd never been to the area before so wanted recommendations. She seemed very uncomfortable and said she'd show us the way and we could follow her in the car. I insisted there was no need but she said she would. Abi's DC then got upset saying they wanted to go to the pub for dinner too. Abi seemed very annoyed at this point so I said "Oh maybe next time DC" but she said "Well no I can't really say no now can I". She joined us at the pub but just had a drink and it was very awkward but we left as soon as we'd eaten (she stayed talking to people she knew) and I didn't think much else of it.

We had another playdate yesterday with Abi and her DC. She brought up us going to the pub and "skinting her" with soft play and drinks at the pub in one day. I said there was no obligation to join us and she just laughed.

My DC brought a teddy they'd got for their birthday with them to the playdate yesterday (play cafe) and Abi's DC was asking about it. It's a particular type of teddy that's popular with DC's friends and Abi's DC then wanted one. Their birthday is next week so I suggested they could ask the birthday fairy could get them one. Abi then went on this rant about spending more of her money for her which I replied I was actually thinking we could get it for DC for their birthday but obviously didn't want to say that directly to DC to ruin the surprise. She was very sheepish at that point and said she's already spent enough and DC has plenty for their birthday. The atmosphere after that was a bit off and I don't really know whether to buy the teddy or not. I'm guessing not?

I'm just really confused at this point to be honest, was I in the wrong to ask for the pub recommendation? Was I wrong to offer to buy the teddy for her DC's birthday?

Next time you're together why not drop a few £20 notes for Abi or her DC to find? That should make up for any extra spending they have to do.

She is clearly more concerned about money than you are which she’s brought up in a poor way but she sounds quite stressed about it so I imagine she couldn’t work out how to say it calmly. You weren’t in the wrong asking for suggestions re the pub, I don’t understand why she thought she had to come. Perhaps the next play date should be in the park

Money is obviously quite tight for her, and you appear to be throwing money around (in her eyes) and making it difficult for her as her DC sees what yours is getting and obviously wants the same.

Stick to playdates at home perhaps.

She sounds difficult and like she has a chip on her shoulder. Very challenging to try and be friends with someone who constantly rears up at you

She’s clearly skint, how can you not see that, and felt bad saying no to her kid. Just try to reign in the spending stuff in front of her kid.

She's skint and you keep bringing up expensive stuff in front of her dc.

Either bring things up when the kids aren't around or just stop doing it.

Go to the park with some sandwiches next time and see how it plays out?

Weird woman. Like most of us she'll be regularly bumping up against wealthier people. She needs to suck it up and explain to her DC that not everyone can have everything. Either that or she consciously sticks to her own income group.
And she could have left you to find that pub on Googlemap or sat nav.

Perfectly reasonable to ask for pub recommendations.

Personally I’d never say anything like “ask the birthday fairy” (or “ask Santa” etc) to a child because I don’t know the parents’ budgets and don’t want to cause an issue with a child getting upset.

Simple, you have no problem being able to spend money, she does for whatever reason which isn’t your business

This is pretty obvious I’m not sure why you need to question this

Buy the teddy (because you said you would) then give her a wide berth.

Any playdates let her suggest them and of agreeing where to meet your onpy suggestions should be go to a park and bring enough sandwiches for everyone OR invite them to yours and host....she is clearly under heavy financial pressure.

She's obviously very skint and can't afford to do these activities hence the resentment. Why can't you go to her house or she goes to yours or meet at the park its free?

Absolutely this! Disappointment is a hard emotion, but children need to learn how to manage it. I have friends who have things I’d like, but I can’t have them. It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be allowed to talk about them or wear them or use them. And I don’t resent them for it. This can be modelled to children from a fairly young age.

Drop a few notes for her to find 😂 she should be an adult and say no to stuff she can't afford the weirdo

I did consider that might be an issue but on paper her and her DH have much more than my DH and I. They have just bought a brand new high end car whilst we have a 7 year old basic Renault (not saying this is old, I'm just trying to illustrate they don't appear to be short of money). I suppose you never know people's circumstances behind closed doors but I didn't think I was forcing the spending upon her. She was the one who suggested soft play and the play cafe we went to.

She sounds like she is struggling for money but weird you can’t guess that

She's got money problems. And that can be embarrassing.

A brand new, high end car is probably bought it on finance and she's stressed about the repayments!

They are presumably having to cut back in other areas - like entertainment - to pay for what they consider to be more of a necessity.

The weird thing is we aren't exactly wealthy or anything. I can see why my original post might come across that way but they are all things we had budgeted for and I had some birthday money I was choosing to spend on a pub dinner.

They have never appeared to be struggling for money so I did consider that but thought it was unlikely as they have 2 abroad holidays a year (one paid for by her parents), she has a takeaway coffee most days and they have just bought a brand new car, all things I would never be able to afford. I know things aren't always as they appear but I thought she would be unlikely to suggest we go to soft play etc if they were struggling and I never made her come with us to the pub etc.

Sounds like she was unreasonable for the pub incident as it sounds like she invited herself for dinner with you and then complained about it. But I’d say you were unreasonable for the birthday fairy comment. Best to avoid talking about fantasy stuff like fairies and santa with other people’s kids as you don’t know what version of the story they have been told. They might never have even heard of a birthday fairy, I certainly hadn’t.

I agree with her being skint. That’s a reason.

I dint agree it could be an excuse for her to behave the way she does.
I mean, she didn’t have to show you the way to the pub - the name was enough.
She didn’t have to go to the pub. She could have said No to her child.

The teddy bear was perhaps less clear but Seeimg her reaction to you clarifying, she clearly took it that way because she is now convinced you just have loads and can throw money out of the window.

I think something else has happened. Maybe you ordered drinks for your DCs when she normally just get water at the cafe. Maybe she was expecting you to say No about going to the cafe. I dint know. But I feel she built that idea of you and over reacts.

Fwiw I’ve been skint. In cases like yours, I would have said No to the pub. I wouldn’t have proposed to have something at tge cafe. I would stuck to playdates at home. She can’t expect people to guess whether she is skint or not and adjust their behaviour accordingly.

We don't use the term birthday fairy, I had already heard her refer to it to her DC that's why I used it.

She sounds very touchy and quick to take offence. I'd knock the meet-ups on the head if I were you.

I'd send the gift via your husband but wouldn't want to see her on my own again. I avoid anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable.