AIBU to feel confused by my husband's colleague's reactions?

[QuarryQueen]

My DH works in a female dominated sector and I recently became friendly with one of his female colleagues after meeting her at a birthday party and our DC5 got on well with her DC4. We'll call her Abi.

We exchanged numbers and planned a playdate which went well. We arranged another playdate a few weeks after the first one and this was where things started getting weird. We went to soft play near her house and afterwards I asked if there was a nice country pub nearby as we'd probably go out for dinner as it was getting late and we were about 40 mins from home. I'd never been to the area before so wanted recommendations. She seemed very uncomfortable and said she'd show us the way and we could follow her in the car. I insisted there was no need but she said she would. Abi's DC then got upset saying they wanted to go to the pub for dinner too. Abi seemed very annoyed at this point so I said "Oh maybe next time DC" but she said "Well no I can't really say no now can I". She joined us at the pub but just had a drink and it was very awkward but we left as soon as we'd eaten (she stayed talking to people she knew) and I didn't think much else of it.

We had another playdate yesterday with Abi and her DC. She brought up us going to the pub and "skinting her" with soft play and drinks at the pub in one day. I said there was no obligation to join us and she just laughed.

My DC brought a teddy they'd got for their birthday with them to the playdate yesterday (play cafe) and Abi's DC was asking about it. It's a particular type of teddy that's popular with DC's friends and Abi's DC then wanted one. Their birthday is next week so I suggested they could ask the birthday fairy could get them one. Abi then went on this rant about spending more of her money for her which I replied I was actually thinking we could get it for DC for their birthday but obviously didn't want to say that directly to DC to ruin the surprise. She was very sheepish at that point and said she's already spent enough and DC has plenty for their birthday. The atmosphere after that was a bit off and I don't really know whether to buy the teddy or not. I'm guessing not?

I'm just really confused at this point to be honest, was I in the wrong to ask for the pub recommendation? Was I wrong to offer to buy the teddy for her DC's birthday?

Is she your husband’s colleague or is your husband her manager? Does she feel she is obliged to keep you happy so she isn’t penalised at work but resents having to spend money to match you when she is massively less well-paid than your husband and you are both acting like you are oblivious to the whole power dynamic mismatch?

I can’t believe you said that about a ‘birthday fairy’, a week before the birthday, when everything will already have been bought.

She can’t have known you meant to buy the bear yourself, as that would be an odd thing to do for a fairly new acquaintance, unless your child has been invited to the birthday party.

Introducing a new ‘fairy’ no-one else has heard of too ffs.

Generally you are being insensitive about money. You don’t know her well enough to know what she’s comfortable spending.

I’m not sure why she went with you to the pub, except that it’s normal social convention to do things together when you’re out with someone. Lots of people are very inhibited about going anywhere without another adult, so assume others are the same. It sounds like she felt you’d dangled a treat in front of her child, because for them dinner out is a treat, not just convenience.

Anyway, I think this is a good illustration of why ‘dates’ of any kind are agreed in advance, then end. You suss out preferences and budgets gradually, within that pre-agreed context, before getting to a point of spontaneity.

she has a takeaway coffee most days and they have just bought a brand new car, all things I would never be able to afford.

You have different spending priorities, thats all. You would never be able to afford brand new cars and daily takeaway coffees; she would never he able to afford ad hoc pub dinners or extra toys.

If someone had said to one of my children, "Ooh well, you'll have to see what the birthday fairy brings," i wouldn't assume that they were intending to buy it for them.

Having said all that, going to the pub for dinner if she genuinely couldn't afford it does seem like a strange thing to do.

So my interpretation of that would be that that they are not actually as well off as they appear and that some of the more visual markers of wealth (eg the brand new high end car) may be down to insecurities and a fear of being seen as 'poor'. So they over stretch on the visual markers of wealth to compensate for that.

In this case, I can imagine (because I've known people who do feel like that) that she would go for dinner anyway because she'd worry about being perceived as not going out for dinner because she couldn't afford to rather than because she already had something planned at home. In which case, she would feel that she had been pressured into it even though the pressure was only coming from herself.

But if you and the DC get on, I’d laugh it off and agree to stick to the plan in future.

She didn't need to come to the pub....it's possible to just say "no, not this time" to your kids! I think she half wanted to come or she'd have just recommended you a place and given you directions or you could have looked on Google maps. Maybe she thought you were hinting for her to go too? And she couldn't really afford it? She didn't need to stay after you'd gone if she wanted to save money though.
I can understand her initial reaction to asking the birthday fairy for the bear...until you explained you intended to get it. Are they quite expensive? Maybe she then thought she would need to spend a lot on your kids' birthdays in return and panicked a bit.
You say she works with your husband..does she do a similar job with similar pay to him? Is she single or does she have a partner that works

Oh, you need to back right off this relationship.

Can you not smell trouble?

Yeah now that I know that I'm going to avoid for sure.

On paper doesn’t always mean that’s the case

If you met up again with your dc you’d be walking on eggshells and would have be careful what you and dc said. She may have explained her passive aggressive behaviour but she is seriously hard work and I wouldn’t meet up again with her.

If you'd bothered to read my replies at least you would know my child is invited to the birthday party and the birthday fairy is what she referred to it as which is why I used it.

I think I made it clear I know that on the rest of the response.

Honestly, OP, your responses to these minor incidents strike me as odder than hers. I mean, it’s not that mysterious, is it? They’re stretched financially, and she struggles to say no to her child, so when there’s the prospect of a toy or a meal out, she can’t bring herself to refuse and gets stressed about it. Obviously that’s her issue to manage, and not your problem, but people don’t always distinguish. My point is only that it’s not ‘confusing’.

I mean, you barely know this woman. You’ve had a total of three play dates because the kids got along. Why not let your DH handle any future play dates, as he already knows her?

You tell us they bought a high end car and don’t seem short of money then yes you say you suppose you never know peoples circumstances, so my comment was backing up the fact you don’t know peoples circumstances and on paper can be very different to reality

And mightn’t the new car explain the stretched finances?

It could yes. They also could of bought it on finance because they can’t afford a car outright

Sounds too much like hard work I’m afraid it would be the end for me!

Id be interested to know what she has been up to at work but I feel like she’s taking it out on you because your dh is her boss

Run!

This doesn’t change her understandable reaction.

There’s so much potential for confusion with family-specific language e.g. birthday fairy might refer to family gifts only, so that using the term for party gifts with named givers opens up all sorts of confusion.

I think you’d both be happier without the other.

What strikes me is that you’re seeking justification for cutting her off. You could easily find ways to understand her situation, ride this out and become friends if that’s what you wanted to do. But you don’t. So don’t.

It's confusing because most people don't do weird things like taking someone to a pub where they know they can't afford to eat, muttering about people 'skinting' them when they've brought about a situation themselves, or launching into a rant over what was at worst a little misunderstanding.