AIBU to feel confused by my husband's colleague's reactions?

[QuarryQueen]

My DH works in a female dominated sector and I recently became friendly with one of his female colleagues after meeting her at a birthday party and our DC5 got on well with her DC4. We'll call her Abi.

We exchanged numbers and planned a playdate which went well. We arranged another playdate a few weeks after the first one and this was where things started getting weird. We went to soft play near her house and afterwards I asked if there was a nice country pub nearby as we'd probably go out for dinner as it was getting late and we were about 40 mins from home. I'd never been to the area before so wanted recommendations. She seemed very uncomfortable and said she'd show us the way and we could follow her in the car. I insisted there was no need but she said she would. Abi's DC then got upset saying they wanted to go to the pub for dinner too. Abi seemed very annoyed at this point so I said "Oh maybe next time DC" but she said "Well no I can't really say no now can I". She joined us at the pub but just had a drink and it was very awkward but we left as soon as we'd eaten (she stayed talking to people she knew) and I didn't think much else of it.

We had another playdate yesterday with Abi and her DC. She brought up us going to the pub and "skinting her" with soft play and drinks at the pub in one day. I said there was no obligation to join us and she just laughed.

My DC brought a teddy they'd got for their birthday with them to the playdate yesterday (play cafe) and Abi's DC was asking about it. It's a particular type of teddy that's popular with DC's friends and Abi's DC then wanted one. Their birthday is next week so I suggested they could ask the birthday fairy could get them one. Abi then went on this rant about spending more of her money for her which I replied I was actually thinking we could get it for DC for their birthday but obviously didn't want to say that directly to DC to ruin the surprise. She was very sheepish at that point and said she's already spent enough and DC has plenty for their birthday. The atmosphere after that was a bit off and I don't really know whether to buy the teddy or not. I'm guessing not?

I'm just really confused at this point to be honest, was I in the wrong to ask for the pub recommendation? Was I wrong to offer to buy the teddy for her DC's birthday?

That you can see all of their extra money means they probably have less of it left. Some of the poorest people earn large wages and drive nice cars or wear designer clothes, but that leaves them with nothing…in contrast I am sat here in a pair of Christmas PJs and a hoody with a hole in it, having just booked my 5th holiday (overseas) for 2027. If you don’t spend it on all of the things people can see, you might appear to have less, but it just means you have far more to spend on the things that matter to you.

Big house/mortgage? New cars on finance? People with these commitments can often have very little spare cash for day to day, because they’ve chosen to spend on those things. You’ve chosen a second hand car because you’re prioritising others.

Sorry, don’t know how I missed this off my last post, but basically this tells you, multiple overseas holidays and new cars etc…it adds up, you might not be able to afford it because you don’t have debt but she does etc

I'd knock this 'friendship" on the head. People have different incomes and financial priorities, but there was no excuse to make you feel awkward, it'sjust rude and ugly. Accompanying you to the pub was very odd, especially as you told her no need. I wonder if she was expecting dinner on you? Some people are very good at getting others to treat them. The fact that you felt compelled to say you'd buy the teddy is quite telling.

I don't think this friendship is really going to go anywhere, and may have run its course. She is blatantly skint, embarrassed about it (as those of us who have been on the bones of our arses will understand) and you don't seem to grasp that.

It was odd (and uncomfortable) of her to insist on coming to the pub with you. She could have just told her child now, and that they were eating at home.

However, you were quite presumptuous to tell her child to ask the birthday fairy about the teddy. If she couldn't afford it then that was a pretty tone deaf thing for you to do and may have put her in an awkward tight spot.

I know you then said that you thought that you could buy her child the teddy, but that will have seemed like you swiftly backpedalling once you realised that you had put your foot in it.

I do think you should buy the teddy for her child, because of that foot in mouth moment. Then just let the friendship cool. You don't sound compatible.

Err no

I’d give her a wide berth. You’ve done nothing wrong.
No one forced her to join you at the pub.

I think the birthday fairy is a bit odd because you know who your birthday presents come from and if you wanted to buy it for their birthday you should have just said so. But the pub thing was a bit odd on their side - given Google maps exists you just needed the name of a decent one!

I think if you say things in front of children they do then want to join in. She had obviously budgeted for the day activity but not eating out as well, and once you had said that you'd like to go out for dinner locally, she felt under pressure to join (even though the invitation wasn't made, perhaps it felt implied).

The bear issue I think was not very helpful. By suggesting she ask the birthday fairy, you're implying that she will receive it. If the presents have already been planned and budgeted for, it adds pressure.

I wonder if there is another site somewhere with someone posting something like

I made friends with my colleagues wife and we met up for a playdate, which was fine and then she wanted to go out for dinner to a pub - not budgeted for and took my by surprise. The next time she told my DC the birthday fairy would bring this super expensive teddy.... etc etc etc

Yes you feel awkward, but I bet she does too.

Clearly you have different ideas about playdates, which is perfectly fine. Either you both compromise or both move on.

You were very wrong to tell the child to ask the birthday fairy for anything. I wouldn't have dreamt of doing that, unless perhaps I knew the people and situation incredibly well. Anyway, she's obviously got enormous hang ups or problems with finances. Maybe her DH is complete bastard about money, maybe she's being blackmailed or maybe she's just plain weird. Either way, now you know!

She had already mentioned the birthday fairy to her DC in front of me previously which is why I mentioned it and used that term. Her DC was verging on a meltdown and she had muttered under her breath something about not knowing my DC was going to bring a toy and if she'd known she would have brought one for her DC. I felt a bit awkward so I was trying to remedy the situation by saying they could ask for it for their birthday, knowing we hadn't bought them anything yet and it is coming up soon. Granted Abi can't mind read so maybe thought I was suggesting she bought it but I was going to clarify once she had dealt with the impending tantrum.

Erm...I didn't ask her to go to the pub. In fact I was really confused as to why she felt the need to come along and why she was annoyed by it when I had specifically said she didn't need to.

I get the teddy thing. It wasn't super expensive, it was £15 but I get if she thought I was suggesting she buy it that would have been rude. I didn't process that point if view in the moment.

I don't really understand why that was so wrong? Often if my child wants something for Christmas for example and I'm trying to diffuse the situation I might say why don't you add it on your list and we'll see what we can do. I wouldn't be mad at all if someone said that to my child but I get everyone is different.

I didn't say it in front of the child. I asked her for local recommendations when DC were in the toilet. When they came out and were getting ready to leave she insisted they show us where it is as it was only a short detour on their journey home. Her DC then heard her offer this and wanted to go to the pub too.

Yeah I get that comment probably wasn't received the way it was intended. I just didn't process it that way at the time as I was trying to help avoid the tantrum I could tell she was getting worked up about it.

OP was surprised she insisted on accompanying them and only had drinks. She didn’t need to go with them, could’ve just told them the name/location. She’s blamed the OP for ‘skinting her’ but was the one suggesting the venues. The OP was offering to buy the teddy, poorly worded because she said ‘maybe the birthday fairy will bring it’ and the colleague clearly thought she was suggesting she, Abi, should buy it, as did I.

I’m not sure I’d want to carry on spending time with this woman, tbh.

Saying no to your kid is basic parenting. And the OP has nothing she needs to rein in; Abi could have just given her a recommendation and directions to the pub. She didn’t have to drive there herself.
She lacks basic manners and social skills. I’d cool the relationship, personally; I don’t have the time or energy to tiptoe around people.

She sounds a bit uptight. The pub thing was weird on her part but agree it's a bad idea to suggest that the birthday fairy might get something to a child. Not your job to help avoid a meltdown let her parent her own kids.

The "I didn't know your child would be bringing a toy comment" makes me think she is a bit uptight in general and maybe her kids have form for throwing a wobbly over these things and it put her on edge. Either way I wouldn't want to be worrying about whether something I did or said on a meet up was going to bother her. In your shoes if someone made a point of showing that I had irritated them that much I would probably give meeting up a swerve in future.

Abi clearly struggles with a daughter who continually wants things other people are having whether that be a toy or a meal out. If you plan to continue seeing her socially then perhaps you can be cautious about these things. Maybe keep to community play areas / parks and suggest sandwiches and a flask. And suggest to your daughter that she doesn’t bring toys with her. However, Abi needs to learn to say no to her daughter otherwise she is setting herself up for a nightmare.

Maybe she had already budgeted for the child’s birthday. And now she has to go out and buy some other crappy piece of future landfill because you suggested ‘oh ask the birthday fairy’

I'm surprised you're finding this so hard to grasp. What you say to your own child is one thing and entirely your prerogative. What you say to someone else's child is an entirely different matter. It's not your place to encourage someone else's kid to expect a particular present, and children take things literally. You should be perfectly aware of that with a child of a similar age. The child wouldn't have known that you intended to buy her the teddy, she wouldn't understand the social nuance. And it's quite likely that her mother didn't understood it either. I wouldn't expect a casual acquaintance to buy my child an expensive gift, or any gift. You simply can't go round telling other people's children that Santa might drop an expensive teddy in their stocking! Surely to god you understand that?

She’s evidently strapped for cash however much you think a person who can afford a takeaway coffee is somehow rolling in it… She feels guilty about this because her DC naturally wants to fit in with your DC and do the same things but she can’t afford it. It’s really quite straightforward.

The child wouldn't have known that you intended to buy her the teddy, she wouldn't understand the social nuance.
No nuance was needed; the OP just meant for the child to think the birthday fairy would be buying it, but didn't want to ruin the surprise of her buying it for the child.

She doesn't The OP intended to buy her the teddy.

But when it was first suggested by OP I dont think that was made clear

If someone suggested to my child that they ask the birthday fairy in this situation, I think I'd put two and two together and conclude that they meant they would buy the thing. Or at the very least, if I didn't do that, I wouldn't rant about it. This woman sounds extremely touchy about money, not to mention a bit unbalanced; she certainly seems to lack the ability to think or pause before opening her mouth.