AIBU to feel confused by my husband's colleague's reactions?

[QuarryQueen]

My DH works in a female dominated sector and I recently became friendly with one of his female colleagues after meeting her at a birthday party and our DC5 got on well with her DC4. We'll call her Abi.

We exchanged numbers and planned a playdate which went well. We arranged another playdate a few weeks after the first one and this was where things started getting weird. We went to soft play near her house and afterwards I asked if there was a nice country pub nearby as we'd probably go out for dinner as it was getting late and we were about 40 mins from home. I'd never been to the area before so wanted recommendations. She seemed very uncomfortable and said she'd show us the way and we could follow her in the car. I insisted there was no need but she said she would. Abi's DC then got upset saying they wanted to go to the pub for dinner too. Abi seemed very annoyed at this point so I said "Oh maybe next time DC" but she said "Well no I can't really say no now can I". She joined us at the pub but just had a drink and it was very awkward but we left as soon as we'd eaten (she stayed talking to people she knew) and I didn't think much else of it.

We had another playdate yesterday with Abi and her DC. She brought up us going to the pub and "skinting her" with soft play and drinks at the pub in one day. I said there was no obligation to join us and she just laughed.

My DC brought a teddy they'd got for their birthday with them to the playdate yesterday (play cafe) and Abi's DC was asking about it. It's a particular type of teddy that's popular with DC's friends and Abi's DC then wanted one. Their birthday is next week so I suggested they could ask the birthday fairy could get them one. Abi then went on this rant about spending more of her money for her which I replied I was actually thinking we could get it for DC for their birthday but obviously didn't want to say that directly to DC to ruin the surprise. She was very sheepish at that point and said she's already spent enough and DC has plenty for their birthday. The atmosphere after that was a bit off and I don't really know whether to buy the teddy or not. I'm guessing not?

I'm just really confused at this point to be honest, was I in the wrong to ask for the pub recommendation? Was I wrong to offer to buy the teddy for her DC's birthday?

YANBU over the pub as it was completely Abi's choice to join you.
YABU over the teddy - whether you were planning to get the DC one or not, you should have left that conversation for her mum to handle.

Wow, that’s mean.

But you don't make those sort of promises to other people's children. The mother wouldn't have had a clue that the OP intended to buy the teddy. Why would she? There was absolutely nothing in her words to suggest that she was going to buy it. They barely know each other and you just don't say that sort of thing to a virtual stranger's child. It's completely inappropriate.

I don't agree. I tend to find that people (most people) have some sort of ability to interpret and speculate on what people might mean, and it wouldn't be totally unreasonable to expect someone to understand what was meant by this.
But the real point is that her response – a rant – was disproportionate. Much more 'completely inappropriate' than what the OP said.

The pub thing is weird, if she couldn’t afford it or just didn’t want to spend the money on it she could have just given you the name of the pub and left it at that. She wasn’t invited anyway, and she suggested the soft play, so blaming you for making spend money is ridiculous.

You shouldn’t have made the birthday fairy comment but you know that now, I get it, sometimes we say things without thinking.

Her getting annoyed that your child had brought along a toy and hers hadn’t is also weird. It sounds like her kid kicks off over stuff and rather than actually parent her she looks to blame someone else.

Overall she’s the unreasonable one here, she sounds like hard work TBH, I’d be letting this friendship drift.

No, she sounds super-touchy and very ungracious. She decided to drive to a pub rather than just give directions, then complained about the OP 'skinting her' over it, and tried to emotionally manipulate the OP by implying that it was her fault that her child now wanted dinner at the pub.
She's behaved really badly.

I don't understand why the OP is guilty of anything here.

Abi didn't need to invite herself to the pub. It's her problem she (and by extension her daughter) suffers from FOMO.

Re the toy and whatever else - she can say no to her daughter. That is basic parenting. Children do not need to have everything someone else has, nor do they need to do everything someone else does.

Fair enough if she feels like she doesn't have much money to spare but then why insist on accompanying you to the pub, acting oddly about it and then later claiming you were forcing her to spend money? Sounds like she's either a bit socially awkward or otherwise creating awkward situations so that she has something she can complain about/blame you for.

She seems a bit overfamiliar and it makes me wonder whether your husband has spoken about you at work and whether she has some pre-existing idea of you being a spendthrift or something along those lines. It sounds like she thinks she knows you better than she actually does.

creating awkward situations so that she has something she can complain about/blame you for.
This was my thought.

She's being unreasonable and making pass agg comments which is really awkward.
I don't think you have done anything wrong. I wouldn't meet up with her again.
If she has money worries how the fuck is that your fault? It's no reason to make shitty comments as if you're insisting she spend lots of money.

Awww bless her she’s skint; I feel the same sometimes when I go out with the children as the price of soft play etc has gone up so so much, then to buy coffee, sarnies, whatever else stacks up so I’m a packed lunch mum and maybe buy a coffee and a fruit shoot but that’s it

OP I think you're getting a hard time here! She sounds tetchy and unreasonable to blame you, especially when it was her suggestion to go to soft play. I'd leave the ball in her court and let her suggest further meetings. Maybe row back on the friendship and keep it casual and meet up every now and again. Slightly awkward that she works with your DH though if she's the sort of person who falls out with everyone!

The brand new car is probably on finance which is likely why she's skint

She was saying you were skintint her because she clearly came along to the pub expecting YOU to pay for her and her daughters dinner and drinks?!!! She’s a leach!!! Take heed!!!!

She suggested the soft play, and she made a big performance out of coming to the pub instead of just saying ‘take the first left and then second right.’ Bless her my arse.

You have twice placed her in a position where she has to try to explain to her child that they can't have something that she perceives, rightly or wrongly, that you are dangling infront of her child and that they can't afford.

Some of the people that seem to splash the cash more are those that are those that are actually compensating and don't have the means to pay for it upfront and it is all on credit. I wonder if there is an age thing too, if there child is 5 they will have just come through a school summer holiday and the potential costs of child care, the additional costs that come with out of term time holidays, its their birthday and Christmas is looming too. School uniform costs can be significant too. For families with budgets with not a lot of give in them the second half of the year can be more of a struggle. Based on your child being 4 I've assumed that they if they are in school, they are in reception

As a general rule I leave it to the parents, especially if I've only met them a couple of times, to deal with managing their expectations and negotiating them down and certainly don't make promises about next time and what they might get for their birthday, even if it's what you intend to get them.

I have friends in various different financial positions. There are those that can afford the soft play but not the extras - we go outside of meal times so there's no suggestion or obligation that we are going to get lunch together and there are friends that I know can afford the soft play and the extras so I'm happy to buy coffee and cake and something for my child. There are cheaper and more expensive soft plays or even more for a trampoline places. We go to different places with different people depending on their budgets and depending on the occasion. Some can only afford it as a school holiday treat others a wet miserable Thursday afternoon is enough of a reason.

I would say at least half of the parents I speak to at school express concerns about money for the extras of life.

No. She suggested soft play. She insisted on coming to the pub rather than giving a recommendation or directions.
Why are you trying to misrepresent the OP?

So you would instantly think that a woman you barely know was going to buy your child an expensive present? Wow. I don't think the majority of people would assume that. And the majority of people on this thread don't either. I mean, "interpreting and speculating" might work with a grandparent or someone really close to the child but not with a virtual stranger. We've now got a mother (with obvious money worries for whatever reason) whose child has been told to ask the birthday fairy for an expensive gift. Great work!

I’m not sure it was ‘expensive’.
In this context I might not assume the OP meant she’d buy it herself, but even if I didn’t realise she meant that I wouldn’t immediately have a rant about how I felt pressured into buying it.
Then again, I wouldn’t insist on coming to a pub when I’d only been asked for a recommendation or directions, and then proceed to act weirdly and accuse the other person of forcing me to pay for drinks I couldn’t afford. I also wouldn’t snipe about someone else’s child bringing a toy because it put me under pressure to get one for my child. This woman seems to be either looking for a fight or on a hair-trigger about money. If the latter, and she’s got money problems, I’m not unsympathetic; but she is still behaving ungraciously and badly.

I feel sorry for Abi. The drink only at the pub along with the skint comment should have at least alerted you that for whatever reason, money may be an issue. Just because as a family they may earn more that doesn't automatically mean they have more disposable income. Her OH may be more controlling over her spends or they may have huge financial commitments you know nothing about and neither should you.

The judgements from others here are disappointing. There are many, many reasons people are either unwilling or unable to spend money. How many times have we read posts here from women who are desperate and at the end of the line over finances. They don't want to share it with friends and family as they are ashamed, embarrassed and desperate. Many, on paper, earn well. Accumulated debts, gambling, the need to have a huge nest egg or a controlling partner can all have an impact on what's available to spend freely.

Yet again another thread where women are casting judgement with minimum details. If Abi cannot or doesn't want to spend her money thst is her choice. Good on her for saying no.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong OP. A £15 teddy and soft play isn’t too much of a stretch for most working parents .

I would but the teddy for their child and let them reach out for the next meet up. TBH not sure how interested I would be in a relationship where I had to walk in eggshells!

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP. She sounds odd.

I just wouldn’t book in any more play dates - who wants to spend the whole time paranoid you’re going to upset her.

The teddy bear thing is just ridiculous, you were making chit-chat for god sake, she sounds at best overly sensitive and at worst unhinged.

Just avoid.

I hope she's less hard work in the office, she sounds exhausting.

Why did she need to go to the pub with you? It's very weird.
Could be borderline rude to even intrude if you just wanted a family meal. Is she a CF who expected you to buy her food maybe?

You were trying to be kind about the birthday, she took it the wrong way but there's no pleasing some people

I wouldn't worry about it, you did absolutely NOTHING wrong.

Expensive stuff? Pub grub and a teddy? 😂

Yup, when you're skint £50 for a meal and a teddy may as well be a million quid.