DD18 and DH48 arguing

[13amielsaoranna]

First post ever.

This afternoon, dd18 and dh48 who is the father of dd had an argument over what seemed like nothing.
I will say that dd can be argumentative at times and winds me up at times, also I feel dh treats her differently to ds17 who is quiet and laid back and never really argues. This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back. He leaves to go out somewhere in the car, she goes up to her room, she later comes down very upset, and is crying quite alot, I will say that dd is not a cryer and it was a shock to see her like this.
I feel like an arsehole because if I saw a much older man shouting this way at at 18yr old girl/young lady in the street I really think I would have stepped in and asked if she was okay/needed help. Yet for my own daughter I stay in the adjacent room and listen to it escalate for a minute. Im not at all scared that my dh would ever be physical with dd or myself, I know he would never do that, yet I feel like I should have gone through to diffuse the situation but maybe I subconsciously never as I know he would turn on me and say I always take her side.
I will say my dh is 99% of the time a quiet man, doesnt like drama but I feel over the yrs he's turning into his dad, can't take a joke anymore, feels like any banter at work is people picking on him and just lacks the ability to have a laugh at himself anymore.
Not sure what my aibu is, but I'm still dwelling on it, and I know he is, he hasn't even gone up to say goodnight to them or shout up goodnight to them, despite their age it's what he does but not tonight!

I worry if I died, and dd in the future had a boyfriend/partner/husband who screamed and shouted at her like this, would she just accept this as normal because her own dad has treated her like this a couple of times, and not feel able to tell her dad about it.

We're all just carrying on as if nothings happened, last time he lost his temper he felt awful and apologised. I hate this situation.

my dad and i got on well but my goodness we would have have liads of arguements/debates but he never shouted at me like dh did to dd. Advise??

Jesus christ ur hard work, I'm not saying it's bloody acceptable thats why I started the thread as it bothered me a great deal. If I didn't care why on earth have I been thinking about it all day and start my first ever post about it.

I’m far from it I’m just concerned you seem to be brushing it under the carpet
I hope your daughter tells a teacher or another trusted adult and has someone to fight her corner

I think that as parents of young adults more than ever they can need guiding on what is and is not acceptable behaviour living with other people.

I remember having to explain to my two eldest, both boys, that now that they were post school, coming in late from Uni nights out, toothbrushes needed to be left downstairs so they could do their ablutions quietly as being woken at 3am with the loo and taps going was not on.
They got it and quietened down.
The transition into adulthood often needs these conversations about consideration of others.
If as parents we don't spell it out to them, where else will they hear it, before it is a real issue.
My pretty lazy eldest at home, was appalled at the way his first shared bathroom was left and wasn't long in spelling it out to two lads that it was to be left as it was found.

I smirked as 5 years earlier, I was havingbthe very same conversation with him as a teen.

This is all part of parenting.

Grumpy husbands are another issue altogether that needs a firm conversation too.

Many is the divorce in everything but name that happens because of Grumpy Men.

Their wives suddenly decide that they need to focus on their relationships outside the home for activities and holidays.

Im going to leave it here, i feel ive had enough advise from all angles and feel its just going round it circles now.

Can i just thank people who have given great advise, its made me see dh point of view, dd point of view, even my point of view. Advise on what we can all say to each other, reading material, how to set rules about respecting rooms that we all use, it's all been taken on board.

The rare few that think me and Dd should now be living in a women's shelter or something, give your head a shake, nobody is perfect, disagreements happen in families, we are going to learn from what's happened and find better ways to deal with it, without raised voices.

This is a tiny tiny snippet of our lives, and ive read that DD is a princess, bratty etc DH is a bully, shit parent, this is not who they are, this is what they are preceived to be by people who have never ever met them. If they were like this id have left them both long ago!!

“Work on herself”? She’s a kid ffs 🙄 Jeez, were you fully formed and able to skilfully handle full on male aggression at 17?

Its probably unusual for a dad to lose his temper like this with an 18 year old. Was your daughter back chatting him? Sounds like he lost control and reverted to shouting as loud as he could over her. Very childish but arguments happen. You need to be the adult here to steer a path through this one. I remember my Dad really shouting at me. Looking back Id probably pushed my luck a bit far. He also bellowed at me when I was in my thirties! He wasnt a bully at all like some people have suggested your DH is. We got over it. Families!

Well the daughter isn't likely to be there much longer. Doesn't uni start soon

Maybe he just reached the end of his tolerance:

Teenage girls can be an absolute pain in the arse. Mine was. She is ok now but my god she had her moments.

Why did you stay in the other room?