DD18 and DH48 arguing

[13amielsaoranna]

First post ever.

This afternoon, dd18 and dh48 who is the father of dd had an argument over what seemed like nothing.
I will say that dd can be argumentative at times and winds me up at times, also I feel dh treats her differently to ds17 who is quiet and laid back and never really argues. This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back. He leaves to go out somewhere in the car, she goes up to her room, she later comes down very upset, and is crying quite alot, I will say that dd is not a cryer and it was a shock to see her like this.
I feel like an arsehole because if I saw a much older man shouting this way at at 18yr old girl/young lady in the street I really think I would have stepped in and asked if she was okay/needed help. Yet for my own daughter I stay in the adjacent room and listen to it escalate for a minute. Im not at all scared that my dh would ever be physical with dd or myself, I know he would never do that, yet I feel like I should have gone through to diffuse the situation but maybe I subconsciously never as I know he would turn on me and say I always take her side.
I will say my dh is 99% of the time a quiet man, doesnt like drama but I feel over the yrs he's turning into his dad, can't take a joke anymore, feels like any banter at work is people picking on him and just lacks the ability to have a laugh at himself anymore.
Not sure what my aibu is, but I'm still dwelling on it, and I know he is, he hasn't even gone up to say goodnight to them or shout up goodnight to them, despite their age it's what he does but not tonight!

I worry if I died, and dd in the future had a boyfriend/partner/husband who screamed and shouted at her like this, would she just accept this as normal because her own dad has treated her like this a couple of times, and not feel able to tell her dad about it.

We're all just carrying on as if nothings happened, last time he lost his temper he felt awful and apologised. I hate this situation.

my dad and i got on well but my goodness we would have have liads of arguements/debates but he never shouted at me like dh did to dd. Advise??

I feel she does lack respect, there's been numerous times where shes been off with dh and/or me and I feel we let alot of things slide as we don't want the confrontation. Can I ask are you a father? Or just trying to see if from a different perspective?

Same. And it does affect future relationships, at least in my case.

I don't think this is normal at all. Your dh sounds thoroughly unpleasant and you need to protect your daughter from him.

I didn't. I clearly said that I was not saying that. I was just explaining the term 'failure to protect' which is used where a parent stands by and lets their child be abused without stepping in. Whether the OP's dh's behaviour was abuse is not the point of my post.

Absolutely, thankyou for your posts.
I do worry that people who act like they have never had an argument with a parent are so controlled and scared to have one, id be more worried if my kids felt like they couldnt answer back/stand up for themselves.

I'm not a shouter, never have been but I've seen loads of threads here where people talk about losing their cool with their kids and shouting at them. Teenage dd tells me about times when she is at friends homes and the parents shout at their teenagers. It seems pretty normal for parents to shout. It's also pretty normal for people to be upset after arguments whether that includes shouting or not.

I'd encourage the two of the to talk when the dust settles. Your husband needs to tell your dd how he feels and your dd needs to tell her father.

As someome who is also living with a newly adult child it is difficult at times, you are both adapting to the new dynamic where you are living together as adults now. It's good for both to check in and know what the expectations from both sides are as the relationship evolves from an adult/child dynamic to adult/adult.

Like most teenagers, they have the ability to push your buttons beyond what you could ever imagine. And sometimes it can wind you up so much, you lose all sense of self control and scream back. I am sure your husband feels pretty rubbish about the situation. He walked away, maybe he should have walked away earlier.
When things are calm, maybe try and talk about it. But your daughter needs to also question why she pushed her Father to get so mad…..

but I see it as standing up for herself

did she need to stand up for herself though or was her dad asking or telling her something and she kept answering back? Which of course would escalate the situation

She just asked how long he would be so she could come back down when the piano was free for her to use. She's not expecting him to vacate if for her, even though he did do this.
I do often cringe at what she says but more the way she says it because I think why have u said that when you know it'll cause an argument.
Never in a million yrs would dh have spoken back to his dad like that or shouted.
Ds is not argumentative and is easy going.

Is your DD controlling at all? I’m massively reading into your posts, but here your DD wanted the piano, then wanted into the kitchen asap. Then in a way your DD rebuffed your DH’s ‘gift’ of ceding the piano to her by saying that she hadn’t asked for it. If your DH had a controlling dad he might get overly activated by disagreements where someone seeks control and not recognition?

I used to have regular ding dongs with my dad and would wind him sky high. Thinking back I was truly obnoxious.

Your DH is probably sick to death of the arguments and backchat hence him losing his temper - but at least he did take himself out of it. My father never lifted a hand to me ever so I really wouldn't worry about what would happen if you snuffed it.

Of course parents can have an argument with a teen.

However, there is a huge difference between that and an 18 year old ending up crying, feeling like her father mocks her, favours her brother, and a mother who didn't intervene because she didn't want her husbands ire directed at her if she did.

Huge huge difference.

Honestly it sounds like your daughter is quite demanding and has been allowed to run the show for a long time. Id be on the same page as my husband that we don't wsnt an entitled, demanding little brat for a child and would have cracked down on her behaviour long ago.

We don't allow anyone to be argumentative and that's just the way they are. It seems like she hasn't been parented and your son has and now she's nearly an adult and unbearable.

If you weren't up for showing her that she's wrong, I would leave you so she has someone telling her that her behaviour isn't ok.

Your husband needs some help here. He’s lost his temper and his sense of humour - I think he sounds depressed tbh and I saw similar in a friends husband. He became thin skinned and petty, with a roaring temper he wouldn’t acknowledge. I think your biggest problem today is : We're all just carrying on as if nothings happened,

Put some air and light on all this and name it.

Why though? Why does she need to know? She can just wait until another time when it is free. You can't see her true colours and unless you stamp.down on it, this aspect of her personality is going to lose her friends and relationships.

You need to.say to her that you are really sorry and her dad shouldn't lose his temper, but you've both failed her as parents and this is why she thinks it is ok to behave as she does. Maybe you wanted to let your pretty little princess never hear no or something where as you were a balanced parent to your son.

He needs to reflect on hey he got so triggered from a situation that doesn't sound like it should have got him so worked up. This will be related to his childhood. Secondly he needs to reflect on the sort of relationships he wants his daughter to have with men. Would he be ok with a male partner shouting at her and her being expected not to answer back.

But your h didn’t step back and away from the argument in enough time if he was shouting at dd and yelling at her to shut up.

He needs to be the adult here.

Not liking dd ‘answering back’ is a major red flag. What makes him think he’s right all the time?

Some men, as they age, feel they deserve redirect singly because of their age and sex. Your h sounds like he’s slipping down that path, but it sounds as if he’s not worthy of respect.

Your dd is a human being with opinions, thoughts and a brain of her own. She doesn’t exist to agree with her dad.

You are minimising this and putting your h’s feelings first (not wanting to show him this thread in case he gets upset). Well, he was in the wrong and he needs to be upset. He needs to look at his behaviour and change, before he alienates dd.

Thank goodness someone else is thinking this rather than the whole OTT response of OP and her daughter should leave home 🙄

Maybe I have missed it but is there also an element of DD crying not because she has been shouted at, but because she realises her behaviour was also in the wrong. It does sound like she was flouncing around wanting what everyone else had.
Maybe part of growing up and realising people won't pander to you like they do a young child and will call out others behaviour.

Honestly it does sound like she is deliberately winding him up & answering back. She is then surprised when DH reacts. The question ‘how long will you be on the piano’ does imply that she wants to use it & presumably she did as she did that as soon as DH got off. It sounds like DH & DS are more similar in temperament so it is likely they will get on better. Does DD try to tell DS what to do? I’m on the fence as I agree an older male should not shout like that but equally I don’t think she was scared or intimidated as she was answering back….

So this needs to be addressed at well.

Sounds like you all need to learn communicate clearly, respectfully, calmly and equally.

See i didn't want to mention her personality traits as I didn't want it to read as if I think it's okay for dh to shout at dd as shes known for being argumentative. He shouldn't have shouted at that level no matter what her personality but I do believe she csn unintentionally goad him into it.
Controlling....well ive never really thought that but maybe looking at the situation then maybe. She did sit down to play the piano after dh offered to move off, I think she then told ds to hurry up getting his lunch, and she now admits her tone was off with her brother, I'm wondering if this triggered dh as I heard him say ive just got off the piano for you. So he maybe saw it as her coming in and being bossy to brother right after he himself had done a nice thing for her by giving up piano. She will then have said domething like well I never asked u to get off piano I asked how long you would be

It's not really 'just asking' though is it. Nobody sits at a piano with the idea that they are going to finish at 5:05pm. You sit and play for as long as you feel like it, you are done when you are done. Someone else suddenly wanting to use the piano(something that is a want not a need like someone needing the bathroom for instance) and saying 'how long will you be' is annoying and demanding. Maybe your dd needs to have that explained to her calmly so she doesn't repeat that behavior. Sometimes we can't see why our behavior winds other people up so it feels unfair and we end up feeling picked on. When chances are your husband felt picked on by your dd too.

I do often cringe at what she says but more the way she says it because I think why have u said that when you know it'll cause an argument.

Why didn't you say something if this is what you think? Why let it continue to an argument?

This is so so right, she would have been better saying id like to go on the piano later, please can you shout up to me when it's free.

It is something snd nothing.
I dont think dd was an innocent here. She needs to know that tje way you treat people affects how thry react to you. It doesn't sound like bullying or that she is the least bit afraid of her dad. Infact she sounds a bit of a princess. Sheis crying because her body is flooded with adrenaline not because she is scared or unhappy.