DD18 and DH48 arguing

[13amielsaoranna]

First post ever.

This afternoon, dd18 and dh48 who is the father of dd had an argument over what seemed like nothing.
I will say that dd can be argumentative at times and winds me up at times, also I feel dh treats her differently to ds17 who is quiet and laid back and never really argues. This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back. He leaves to go out somewhere in the car, she goes up to her room, she later comes down very upset, and is crying quite alot, I will say that dd is not a cryer and it was a shock to see her like this.
I feel like an arsehole because if I saw a much older man shouting this way at at 18yr old girl/young lady in the street I really think I would have stepped in and asked if she was okay/needed help. Yet for my own daughter I stay in the adjacent room and listen to it escalate for a minute. Im not at all scared that my dh would ever be physical with dd or myself, I know he would never do that, yet I feel like I should have gone through to diffuse the situation but maybe I subconsciously never as I know he would turn on me and say I always take her side.
I will say my dh is 99% of the time a quiet man, doesnt like drama but I feel over the yrs he's turning into his dad, can't take a joke anymore, feels like any banter at work is people picking on him and just lacks the ability to have a laugh at himself anymore.
Not sure what my aibu is, but I'm still dwelling on it, and I know he is, he hasn't even gone up to say goodnight to them or shout up goodnight to them, despite their age it's what he does but not tonight!

I worry if I died, and dd in the future had a boyfriend/partner/husband who screamed and shouted at her like this, would she just accept this as normal because her own dad has treated her like this a couple of times, and not feel able to tell her dad about it.

We're all just carrying on as if nothings happened, last time he lost his temper he felt awful and apologised. I hate this situation.

my dad and i got on well but my goodness we would have have liads of arguements/debates but he never shouted at me like dh did to dd. Advise??

Why would it be mad to show him. I would predict at first he might be annoyed, but not angry, and he could see that several people have said that he needs to view her as an adult, change the way he thinks as it's not just dd answering back/being disrespectful, to walk away from the situation to defuse then discuss it later calmly, to see it's not acceptable yo shout like that, which he knows anyway but in the heat of the moment it's difficult. We will all at some point in our lives said or done things in the heat of the moment and regretted it.

OP, I am sure there is more to the escalation of this but don’t expect you to go into all the details on here.

One word of advice. My mother was just like you, never defended me or protected me from my father’s behaviour towards me. I rarely have anything to do with her now. Be careful that doesn’t become your future especially if she meets someone and has children of her own. She will start to question your lack of support even more then.

I think you need to all sit down and have a chat as to how things escalated to make sure it doesn’t happen again and your husband should apologise.

I’m not sure what the argument was about but for him to be unusually triggered into shouting which is unlike him it’s made me think he was fearful. Perhaps she pushing to do something and he was unhappy about it but instead of explaining he was fearful, he exploded. He sounds like a generally loving Father. We’re all human. He does need to apologise to her though. It’s not ok to behave like that we we all have a paddy from time to time don’t we?

There isn't more to this escalation that i can see, I'm not knowingly withholding anything, im not sure what you mean by this.
One minute I can hear talking and all fine, then raised voices and I'm deciphering if its just normal chat or arguing, then as quick as anything it's dh shouting, and by the time i realised this and thought what the hells happened there, it's all over as dh has walked off.
I am supporting her, dd has talked to me about it and ive told her it's not on for dh to shout like that.

You need to tell HIM

You must intervene every single time

He can't be allowed to treat DD like this

What a horrible situation for your DD. It will be fucking her up in ways you won't see until years to come, trust me on that.

Good that you've told her DD it's not on for DH to shout at her, now have you told him that.

He sounds dreadful and you’re minimizing. Why do you keep saying he’ll feel awful if he knows he made her cry? He clearly won’t as he did make her cry! Big deal he had a bad relationship with his own dad. He’s nearly 50 and needs to do better. So do you. Tell him and your DD he was wrong for behaving like a lunatic and expect him to apologize to her. If he doesn’t, you have a massive issue.

what a load of bollocks

Because he will feel bad he made her cry, he doesn't know she cried, she stormed off upstairs and came to me after, she was emotional talking about what happened and cried then.

They had an argument. In an arguement people raise their voices. Sometime they shout. It’s basic human behaviour and only on MN is it seen as a symptom of some great evil. By OPs own account he is a good person in all other ways. He did the right think by removing himself before it escalated
further. By OPs own account the 18 yo adult winds people up. She needs to learn how to act like an adult. Hopefully this will be a lesson for her.

Very wise advice.
Children judge their mother's lack of support in such situations very harshly, more than their fathers.

They hold their mother's to a higher standard of behaviour and support.

'I find me and my kids can all take the micky and we all laugh along with each other but if dd trys to have a laugh with dh he takes it so personally, as I said b4 he's turning into his dad as his sense of humour is diminishing'.

I'm curious what constitutes being able - or not - to take the micky and the diminishing sense of humour in your example??

This

And this.

You’re totally missing the point! Your main takeaway from this whole sorry situation is that your adult DH might be sad. What about your DD? Regularly bullied and berated by an angry man with no sense of self regulation? Essentially still a child if she’s living at home and only just 18. He needs to be the bigger person. Good God, why can you not see that? Why are you more distressed about him being upset, in his position of relative power, than her, in her weaker position?

More rubbish

You grew up with a dad who you wound up to the point he yelled at you once in a blue moon but was otherwise a great father?

And the ridiculous over reactions continue.

Here's a thought, perhaps your DD should not be answering her father back? How about some respect and restraint on her part?

Your reply is full of assumptions. No one knows what was said or how it was delivered. The 18 yo could have acted like an absolute cow to her Dad, chosen her words to intentionally hurt him in the most vile way possible. You or I simply don’t know. Therefore no one is in any position to draw any conclusions based on what may or may not have been said.

I think you're missing the point. My main takeaway isn't that dh might be sad, I'm saying he would be upset to hear dd cried. Im trying to get across that he isnt a monster and does have feelings, and I would not be distressed if he felt sad about it because thats how he should feel. She isn't regularly bullied at all, why have you decided to make up she is 'regularly' bullied?

@13amielsaoranna his reaction was OTT but it does sound like DD wanted everyone else to do what she wanted them to & didn’t like being challenged. DH sounds stressed & playing the piano was probably his way to switch off. Why did she come down & interrupt DH playing? I think you should probably tell him how upset she was & go from there.

Is DS more like his Dad & DD more like you? Perhaps he just can’t get his head around her way of dealing with conflict as he would never have answered back at that age.

He’ll give himself a heart attack if he keeps getting so worked up. At least he walked away from the situation.

You know you should have stepped in - he went too far - but as you didn't, then you should tell him that he made her cry. Maybe that might make think twice next time. And next time of course, you will step in.

Just sitting by and doing nothing in social services terms is called 'failure to protect'. I'm not saying this reaches social services involvement thresholds, but it's a minor hint.

More rubbish. Social services? How on earth did you get there?