Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

[SheLovesThat]

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

I wouldn’t think her mums family should, but her dad is my nephews step dad, yet her dads parents, who are my nephews step GPs, don’t give my nephews the same as they give their own GC. Yet my mum is this girls step GP and should give her the same. I hadn’t thought about that until someone asked earlier.

I’m now wondering if her aunts and uncles through her dad, (my nephews step dad), who are my nephews step aunts and uncles don’t either. They are the same relation to my nephews as I am to this girl.

To avoid hurting a child who's been part of the family since she was 7?

Id be devastated if my step children were treated differently to my own. This thread has definitely made me think to have these conversations before we get to big present time.

Considering my Auntie once returned something to Poundland for a refund, YANBU

Yes and she also has the disadvantage of a split family, and the financial disadvantage that we know for certain comes with that. And then to learn that she is considered “less than”.

Be nicer.

I would agree with you. She’s not your relative in the same way your nephews are. You’ve been kind to buy her a Xmas present every year. I assume her mother bought her Xmas presents?

Did her mother buy your nephews Christmas presents? If not has your sister called her out for not treating her kids the same way she treats her own kid? I suspect the answer is no and understandably so because she will say the girls mother has no relationship with the boys. But maybe then she will realise that her step daughter gets things the nephews don’t and she has other people in her life who can take responsibility for the big purchases.

Be nicer is always easy to say when it is it other peoples money, or time

My nephews also have a split family.

If your mum is so well off she can afford to spend £24k on two cars for her grandsons, I think it's a bit mean to not do anything for her step-granddaughter.

She may not be a blood relative, but she is still family.

She buys her gifts for birthdays and Xmas and has taken her on holidays. She gave her some expensive gifts for her 18th a few weeks ago and then a further £100 for passing her driving test. It’s hyperbole to say she hasn’t done anything.

For the cars, I would have treated them the same. Not for the will. Your mum could easily have shared that money between 3.

Do you think your sister's husband might be behind this?

Your child's step-child is not the same thing as your own grandchild and there is no reason a grandparent needs to treat them the same if they don't want to. The grandparent is not the one who created this situation anymore than the stepchild is. My sister has a stepson, and while he is a member of her family and her husband's extended family, there has never been any expectation that we, my sister's extended family, would treat him as a nephew. He has his own maternal family. He's grown up perfectly happy, normal and well adjusted surrounded by his own loving family, to which I do not belong. I don't think it has ever even crossed his mind, my sister's mind, or her husband's mind to resent the fact that I don't think of myself as his aunt.

It's just amazing how people these days can't just do something nice because they have the financial ability to do so. People bang on about giving to charity or what they would do if they won heaps in the lottery but in situations like these when they have the opportunity to do something without winning a lottery they just don't

This is like the other thread about a new born dgd fast forward twenty years.
I don’t think you have to treat step relations the same. I think your sister isn’t only thinking about new cars she also now realises there won’t be the same uni help or inheritance. Probably being instigated by her dh.

My niece is not my biological niece but I treat her exactly the same way as I do my nephew (her younger brother). I wouldn’t dream of not doing so, as far as I’m concerned she’s my niece. I wouldn’t however spend £2k on insurance for them!!!

My niece calls us Auntie & Uncle ( she’s still young enough to do so!) and I love that we are part of her life. To me it’s irrelevant she has other family as to her and us we are her family.

i think you should have explained this first to set expectations as it shouldn’t have been expected. But I do think it should be equal!

Eh? Is it?
My parents bought me my first car back in the early 2000s. In fact, I think most my friends had their first car bought for them. Granted, I’m talking £800-1000 bangers, rather than the £12k being mentioned by the OP.

I’m not sure young people today could afford to set themselves up with driving with funds from a part-time job. I’ve not looked at prices myself, but Google suggests:
For an 18-year-old getting on the road with a 12-year-old car, your total first-year setup cost will typically range between £5,300 and £8,800.

If you take the mid point of £6500, a young person will have to work 12 hours a week (presumably alongside studies) just to fund driving. There would be no money for phone, gym, socialising, etc.

I don’t think many can do it without a little help; it’s just the level of that help varies from family to family.

I agree. Some people are just vile. Some of these comments are vile. People dont see the amount of crap step children have to deal with and it stays with them for life. To pass a pittance of £100 when someone has been in your life 11 years. Do you keep her out of photos too

These disadvantages are not for the stepfamily to resolve. That’s for her own parent to resolve; they caused the differences.

I don't think yabu. I think its wierd your sister had the expectation you would treat step daughter exactly the same as nephews

She has another side to her family, who she sees and loves and are a big part of her life.

Her wider family (grandparents/aunties and uncles) don't treat your nephews the same as her, because the relationship is not the same.

Should your bil have demanded that step daughters grandparents take his sons on the holiday that stepdaughter went on?

If the expectation is there for one, then it should be for all

The only time I think it is different is if a child has nothing to do with the other side of their family so the step parent is bringing the step child up as their own. If that is the family set up then I don't think there should be a difference in the way children are treated. But thats not the case here...step daughter has her mother (and maybe father?) family who are very involved in her life. She doesn't want op and ops mum to take up grandparent and aunty role...she doesn't call them that as she has her own relationships

I can't believe some posters think £100 isn't a large or kind gift...its a good amount and I would be angry with a child of mine of they were not grateful for recieving such a gift.

You and your mum are not in the wrong.

In your family dynamic the biological maternal grandmother has bought the grandchildren a car.

It up to your dd's biological maternal grandmother to buy a car.

Out of interest I wonder how much they have gifted to the SD for passing her test?

Stop feeling entitled to other people's money. I cannot stand people like you who demand from family. Have some pride fgs.

It's adults that ruin step kids. Entitled adults. The stepdaughter is well aware she has her own family, like her stepbrothers do.

People love to spend other people’s money. Your mom doesn’t feel the need to spend that amount on a non-biological grandchild and she is well within her rights to do that. It’s HER money 🤷🏻‍♀️

The sons are also stepchildren. Do you also think it vile that they weren't invited on the holiday their step sister went on with her grandparents?

Because I think it ok that not every wider family relationship is exactly the same for biological and step children, when that child also has their own biological family involved.

Of course there should be love and compassion in day to day life but I don't think every gift and scenario should be set up to be identical because family relationships do differ.

I also wouldn't call £100 pittance.

I suspect this is probably the most common middle ground position.