AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

She also asked him if we plan to have more than one child....come on he is 50 another child would be a stretch

Does your DH have much to do with the ex in general? How old is the youngest child? It does indeed sound like she is finding it difficult to move on. It may well get easier when the children get older and he will not have to liaise with her about anything. I wouldn't like her thinking she has a say in his life and mine by extension, either. the important thing is if you're ok with the way DH is handling things.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I dunno. I mean you’re not wrong but I feel for her a bit. Having children with someone is so special and the thought of my husband doing that with someone else gives me a bit of an ache. Granted we are not divorced but still.

I wonder if she has put her life on hold because she doesn’t want to force a stepdad and blended family onto her kids. I wouldn’t do that to my girls. If that’s the case, I can see why it might, rightly or wrongly, stick in her craw a bit that her ex has decided to carry on regardless.

Or maybe she’s just worried that he’ll leave his kids behind to focus on the new baby. He certainly wouldn’t be the first man to do that.

You don’t say why the divorce happened (other than he wanted it).

my ex who is 50 has just had his fourth child - his second with his new wife who is now 40.

he could well have loads more kids.

Thank you and his youngest child is 11 so still quite young and he is very much involved with his ex wife in terms of their children. Middle child is 15.

She probably just needs a bit of time to process. I don't think having a baby 4 years in is rushing tbh, but she was most likely not expecting it due to his age.

I guess any support (time/emotional/financial) he will give to this child will take away from her own kids. They’ll be very different in age so they can’t tag along with his trips with his current kids. I can see how she’s upset. I really can. But at the end of the day your husband hasn’t done anything wrong, it’s just upsetting. She’ll take some time to deal with it.

She’ll feel better when she sees him trying to cope with a newborn at 50 and teens in his 60s. No one will be envious or jealous of that situation.

You do sound quite smug but in your position I really wouldn’t be,

You may be the cool step mum who her kids text every day but she’s their mum at the end of the day. She may be trying to please her dad by texting you. You will realise when you have your own as you say so try to be less smug if you truly want happiness and harmony for everyone.

I don't really understand what your problem is. He told her, she has feelings about it, she told him those feelings. And that's it.

It seems you are making her reaction a bigger thing that it was. She may not be over it or have moved on but doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong

She feels what she feels. There is nothing you or your dh can do about it. People feel all sorts of irrational and unreasonable things and a woman feeling a bit upset about her ex husband having a baby at the age of 50 - having more children with another woman - isn't really even up there with the wildest and most unreasonable things someone can feel.

100 people could agree that she is unreasonable or 100 people could think she is perfectly reasonable and it still won't change anything. Just ignore it.

I don’t know why you’ve told us all this OP?

How do her feelings affect your life?

I think that the circumstances around the divorce will probably have a lot of bearing on why she's still can't let go. Did she have a breakdown of sorts, did she feel unfairly abandoned? Has she never been able to inderstand why the relationship broke down, what went wrong, etc?

And of course partly it may just be her and how she deals with things. Does she have a dependant personality? Has she had abandonment issues before, etc?

A couple of my friends have found themselves in the position of your husbands ex wife and their concerns have usually been that their children’s inheritance is to be shared by another child.

I agree with previous posters that she is allowed to feel how she feels, and she is allowed to tell her ex husband how she feels. You may think she should feel differently, but is she actually causing any harm beyond just saying how she feels?

She wants a whole board of women here to say the ex is crazy and unreasonable. And that OP is so amazing as her step kids text her every night. It’s faux naive and horrible towards the ex.

Whether it’s unreasonable or not, you can’t control how she feels, it’s just something you’re going to have to accept as part of your life – that’s the deal when you start a relationship with a divorced man with children.

Yes, I can understand the ex-wife’s feelings, given their youngest child is only 11. That’s not a great age to bring a baby step-sibling into the mix. An 11yr old should get a lot of undivided focus, especially when their parents are separated.

It’s unreasonable for you to think she needs to get over it by getting into a new relationship. She has an 11yr old.

I would hazard a guess that your husband treated his ex and the kids quite poorly during their marriage – this is usually what leads to resentment at a new relationship.

I feel for all of you here. On the one hand you sound like you’ve made a big effort to be considerate, and your husband has a total right to have a child four years into a new relationship.

On the other…imagine how she might feel. They stood together at the altar/register office and promised “till death do us part” or similar words. They probably really, really meant it at the time. They had a family together, and struggled through the baby and toddler years. She loved him for years, maybe decades, and thought that would be the rest of her life. Maybe she was imagining a happy retirement together. And then he announces he’s unhappy and he’s leaving, and before she knows it he’s with a new, much younger woman and then he’s having a brand new family, and even worse her children seem fine with it and occasionally seem to treat this new woman like their mum, and she’s sitting there going “what just happened to my family?”

As you say, there’s not much you can do about this other than be nice. But I can appreciate why she’s feeling gutted.

I genuinely don't think I'm being smug but I can see how it might have come across that way in the way I've written the post. I'm not trying to suggest that I'm somehow replacing her. I'm very conscious that she is their mum and I've never tried to take that role away from her.

I also don't think the children are being nice to me to please their dad. They have their own relationship with me and as far as I can tell it's a positive one for the last 4 years but I could very well be wrong. At the end of the say they are his children and all I want is to maintain a good relationship with them not replacing anyone.

As for him being 50 and having a new born, that's something we've obviously thought about a lot and we know it will not be easy. We both wanted a child together and we're happy about the pregnancy. I'm not expecting it to be easy but I don't think being older automatically means he'll be incapable of coping as a father to a new born, my father had me at 54 and was a wonderful father and was energetic, running up and down with us playing. Every person is different. I have grown up having older parents so my view might be skewed. If its worth anything I would have liked to have had the opportunity to have children in my early 30s but it never worked out that way for me. I will take what I have been given, I have wanted a child for so long, had a miscarriage and now so far our baby is healthy for all I know anything can happen to me or my baby its still early days.

I'm really not sitting here thinking I've "won" anything over his ex. I actually feel sorry that this has brought up painful feelings for her. I just don't think those feelings mean he shouldn't be allowed to move forward with his life.

Yeah it’s a bit off isn’t it.

The OP doesn’t get to choose how another woman feels and it’s not like she’s banging at the OP’s door or anything.

maybe she thought hed sow his oats and return to her in a few years time. and it’s only now shes realising that this will never happen. maybe she miscarried a last baby and you having one reminds her “that should have been me”.

whatever is up with her she just has to work through it. thats life. congrats on your pregnancy.

Not at all I guess I am trying to understand and do my best to not cause any issues. I see MN just as an outlet I am not here to bash the mother of his children. If you think that is what I am here to do you are able to report the post but that is not my intention at all.

This was my first thought.

I am confused if you think that is the crux of my post, you can report or not engage with it thats not what I came here to do

At the end of the day he knew if he didn’t give you a baby you’d walk, just like you did with your last partner.

I’m not sure that’s a sensible reason to have a baby when most of his mates will be having grandchildren.

Report for what reason? 😳