AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

Agree with others - as far as I can see she sent one message to your husband saying she was upset that your husband has chosen to do something that will inevitably impact their shared children, and not necessarily in a positive way.

You are now somehow concerning yourself with whether she's 'moved on' and how you think she needs to 'build a life for herself' which is wildly outside your remit as someone who barely knows her.

It's lovely that you view your role as step mother in a positive light and I hope you have a good relationship with your husband's children going forward, but trying to involve yourself with his ex wife and what you think she should do is going to make that much harder, so I'd focus your thoughts elsewhere if I were you.

"Part of me feels that she just needs to move on.
Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself".

This is the smug piece.
She has a build a life for herself - do you think she hasn't because she's single?

Her feelings are none of your business and have no direct impact on you so I can't understand your problem.

Not necessarily, my ex husband and I wanted completely different things, me wanting children and him not was just one of the reasons, he wanted to move back to his country which he has now, I wasn't prepared to do that, there's lots of reasons for the breakdown of the marriage albeit amicable. I did not feel the need to post it all otherwise the post would have been very long.

I don't really understand what his friends potentially having grandchildren has to do with whether we should have a child. People have children at different ages and there isn't really a "correct" age that everyone has to follow. We both wanted a child together and that's the reason we're having one. I don't think comparing our situation to what his friends are doing makes much difference and lots of his closest friends have children under the age of 10 so not sure they will be grandparents that soon either.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time on this thread @OneGreatFawn . I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm surprised the ex wife would share feelings like this with your H. Does he have good boundaries with her usually? She needs to get a therapist and deal with her feelings somewhere else. It's great that his children have such a good relationship with you.

If you do not like the post ? or not engage I think you have gotten the wrong idea maybe thats why fault. I fear text can sometimes be hard to convey what you really mean.

I'm really not sitting here thinking I've "won" anything over his ex. I actually feel sorry that this has brought up painful feelings for her. I just don't think those feelings mean he shouldn't be allowed to move forward with his life.

But in what way is her telling your husband, once, that she's upset a suggestion that he shouldn't move forward with his life? Did she ask him to leave you or to put the baby up for adoption? Or did she express a feeling that is perfectly legitimate that you've somehow turned into a situation that needs your input?

Why on earth did he tell you she said this. Really men have no common sense.

I think it’s been converyed perfectly well. Posters can just see straight through the faux naivety and nastiness towards another woman.

My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave

This is why he’s having a baby when his mates will be having grandchildren.

He got together with a woman 10 years his junior whose fertility door is closing, and who ‘ultimately’ ended her previous marriage due to her husband not wanting children.

He must be as much of a drama llama as the OP. He’s enjoying the attention from 2 women and the one that has him, stupidly feels like the lucky one. 😵‍💫

Do you really think MNetters contact MNHQ to tell them they don’t like a particular post, even though it’s not breaking talk guidelines?

Blimey.

You do not sound smug, OP. I think maybe you've touched a nerve with a couple of posters.

Goodness me, what a nasty post.

I don't want the comments to say any of those things, and I'm sorry that I've come across as smug because that genuinely wasn't my intention. That's why I said report it or just don't engage with the thread if you think I'm being deliberately provocative. I can't really convince you that I'm not being smug if that's how you've interpreted what I've written. All I can do is say that isn't my intention and apologise that it has come across that way.

I also don't want to have a bad relationship with my husband's children. I've always tried to maintain appropriate boundaries and I'm very aware that I am their dad's wife, not their mum. If they choose to message me or have a relationship with me, I don't see that as me trying to compete with their mother or take anything away from her. I certainly don't encourage them to do anything that would make her feel excluded.

As for becoming a parent, maybe I'm not cut out for it, I genuinely don't know. We have had our share of miscarriage, and this is my last try so I'm actually trying not to get too far ahead of myself. For all I know we may not end up having a baby at all, and I've reached a point where I've become quite content with that possibility too.

I don't think I'm sitting here thinking that I'm somehow more important to his children than she is, she is their mum of course she is more important to them. That really isn't how I see the situation.

I don't think she's done anything wrong. I'm sure she'll move on eventually. It's very hard to be left with the kids and you can expect it to take a while. You don't need to be unkind about her or rub in how wonderful your new life is.

Honestly if he’s got three kids already who are 18,14 and 11 then having a newborn is almost inevitably going to result in him having less time and effort for them.

and it’s not a great time for that, teens can be tricky at the best of times and if he’s paying for one to go to uni and two more to follow I can quite see her point.

how much actual parenting is he doing?

my ex pretty much opted out once we were separated and I took the strain.

i don’t blame his new wife (she’s lovely) but I expect she’ll discover the hard way like I did that he can talk the talk but walking the walk is a whole different story.

I did wonder if he was doing something to this effect

You are coming across as smug OP

She has 3 children with him so she will be thinking how this will impact them, from time, money now and inheritance. Blended families are rarely easy and she will be very concerned for her youngest 2 especially.

Try to be less smug, think how a mother might feel in this situation.

Unfortunately, sometimes the ex wife never moves on. Even when they have been divorced for many years before you even met and she instigated the divorce. I speak from experience, sometimes there really IS a batshit ex.

“His ex wife has never particularly liked me.”

”Her reaction wasn't great.”

”But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? … He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce. Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.”

His ex owes you absolutely nothing - including a reaction to your pregnancy you find acceptable. I don’t know why you’re so invested in her accepting you, liking you or feeling a particular way about your baby but at the end of the day she’s entitled to feel however the hell she wants. Just like your husband was entitled to move on and have a baby. Doesn’t mean she had to like it. There is nothing “to be done” - she’s unhappy, she’s allowed to be, she doesn’t need to accept anything and unless she’s standing on your driveway wailing about it then you do nothing. Have your baby and enjoy parenthood - her feelings have no bearing on it.

Your husband is a fool for engaging with her reaction and telling you about it.

that's nasty

OP congrats on your baby. Keep on as you have been, i don't think you sound smug i think you sound very understanding.

Yep, this. YANBU, but neither is she, really. Perhaps still mourning the life she thought she’d have, growing old with her husband, travelling, seeing in grandchildren together. That life was taking from her and it must be hard seeing her husband move on without a backward glance.

Do spare a thought for her occasionally.

If I were the ex wife I think I would be concerned that another child would impact how much time etc he invests in the children he already has. She doesn’t have to like you (she may not have liked you regardless of whether you are with her husband or not) and it doesn’t seem she’s particularly interfered in your relationship or the relationship between her children and you.

I don’t know either of you so I can’t say for certain but I wouldn’t assume she hasn’t moved on from the split as in romantically. It’s possibly the loss of the family unit and the idea that her children will get less of your husband. Don’t forget this is your first child, she has three, she’s well aware if how life changes after kids and how much those first few years especially take out of you. So I wouldn’t assume she’s pining away for your DH.

There is nothing smug about your posts at all OP. AIBU is off the scale, as you can see.