AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

How many nights pw do his children spend in your home?

I’m still not clear on what you’re hoping for, OP. Do you want to try to convince her to be happy for you or something? I’m not seeing what choice you have other than letting her feel whatever she is or isn’t feeling and getting on with your own life. I don’t know why your husband even told you, because how she feels about you is really none of your business.

What am I supposed to do? I always thought it would benefit everyone if I got on with his children of course there's boundaries but we live together, they see their father every week and come and stay I am not sure how to go about the relationship with his children I am not trying to be cool or anything they spend their time with us its difficult to not have a relationship with them

I would like for everyone to be happy. She doesn't need to accept my child.
He told me because I asked him when he went to speak to her in person how that went, there's more to it than just the text message. It should all work itself out I guess

Sorry, yes YABU. Put yourself in her position. She’s spent years bringing up his kids and didn’t want to get divorced. Speculation but she’s also probably seen her career suffer, and splitting up with kids in their early teens is absolutely devastating. Next she’s seeing him start a shiny new life with a younger fertile woman when she’s probably at least peri-menopausal. Certainly most women don’t have the luxury of starting a new family
aged 48/ 50 even if they would want to do so.

She’s probably also worried that you’ll have loads of kids and her own won’t get a look in with their dad because he’s roaming around a soft play at 55!

Imagine if you had 2 more kids and he left you in 10 years- how would you feel if he then stated having kids with a much younger woman? Honestly of course it’s your life and your choices, but can’t you see how this might be hard?

She’ll probably be fine once she’s got used to the idea but you should have the grace to accept that this might be difficult for her, without making her into some sort of bunny-boiler.

This.

🤮🤮🤮
Get down off your high horse ffs

Everyone isn’t going to be happy, though, because they have priorities and worries and insecurities that are different from yours. Expecting everyone to be happy for you isn’t realistic. I’m sure you don’t intend it to come off as such, but in attempting to unite everyone around your happy news you’re kind of placing yourself in the centre of everyone else’s orbit, which is not where you are in reality. Why not focus on your pregnancy and your happy marriage, and try not to let the approval of your husband’s ex live rent free in your head quite so much?

I don’t think you sound smug. I think, just don’t give her any headspace; she really isn’t any concern of yours. Head up, ignore. She doesn’t need informed of your intentions of any other children or not.

You don’t get why the OP has told all of us but you do get why the ex wife has told her ex husband her feelings on his new life? As an ex wife, if I had any opinion at all on anything my ex husband did there’s no way I would be sharing it with him, especially something as emotive as this. Rant and bitch to my sister, my friends, sure. But to him it would be a civil “that’s nice” or similar.

So your husband and his ex wife had very young children when he asked for a divorce which she didn’t want. He’s then moved on with another woman and is starting another family. You can’t blame her for being upset. Whatever you think you would do and feel if you were in the same position you don’t actually know until in that position. You don’t get to criticise her feelings whether or not you agree with them.

You say you don’t know what else is to be done. The only thing you have to
do is leave her alone, stop judging her, and get on with your own life.

A lot of men would be delighted to hear all about how their new, younger woman is playing on the mind of the woman his own age he left. Only OP can say whether her husband is that kind of man, but for my part there’s no way I would still be making myself this emotionally vulnerable around a man who’d walked away from our marriage, so I agree with you on that much. It’s almost unbelievable. The cynic in me wonders how accurate the OP’s husband’s assessment of his ex’s feelings actually is but again, we don’t know him and OP does. The male ego can be a fragile thing, not least amongst men of a certain age.

Come on we have no idea what the conversation went like with the ex-wife. With the main character energy the OP has he might have been thoroughly quizzing the ex such that she had no choice. Personally I’d have told them in a text message and then given the news time to land/ her time to get used to the idea. Plus if the ex wanted to express her feelings why shouldn’t she? She’s not been banging on the door at midnight or causing trouble. And why is the new wife pumping her DH for all of this info, and why is the DH telling her?

OP has avoided saying why the original marriage ended in the first place especially with such a young child. My guess is he cheated, a typical midlife crisis

I can understand what you're saying, and I don't think she's unreasonable for finding the situation difficult. I can see there are probably a lot of things going through her head that I haven't considered, particularly around the children and what his having another family might mean for them.

But genuinely, what would you recommend I do differently? I can't live my life in fear that my husband might leave me one day. I'm not naive enough to think it could never happen, but I can't make decisions about having a family based on the possibility that my marriage might end in 10 or 20 years.
I've also made sure I'm not financially reliant on him. I have my own house, which I don't intend to sell, and I have a career that I plan to continue. If our marriage did end, I'd obviously be devastated, but I'd have to deal with that if it happened.

As for having more children we don't plan to. This is something we've discussed and we're not planning a big new family together. I can understand why his ex might worry that his attention will shift once the baby arrives but I don't think that means it necessarily will. He's very involved with his existing children and I have no reason to think that will suddenly stop.

I also don't think she's a bunny-boiler or anything like that. I probably did put too much emphasis on trying to understand her reaction when I should have simply accepted that she may find this difficult and left it there. I can have empathy for that without feeling that we've done something wrong by having a baby together.

None of her business. She needs to stay in her lane and be more mindful of boundaries. It’s not as if she had any say in the situation. In your shoes l wouldn’t give it anymore thought. In your husbands shoes l would tell her to keep her beak out

It’s just one of those things 🤷‍♀️. By the sounds of things you weren’t the OW. My first husband left me for one of our mutual friends, was super keen to say he was going to marry her and have children with her blah blah blah. Which still makes me chuckle as lm now married to someone eise and we have 2 children together but they never managed to have children. I’m pretty sure my first husband isn’t thrilled about that from what l hear on the grapevine but tough shit

Just carry on being pleasant to her and her kids, and give her time to get used to the idea. Make sure you don’t start unconsciously driving a wedge between your DH and his existing kids. Accept that this is a far from perfect situation for her and that there might be bumps in the road from time to time.

I have said why ?

Yeah she does need to move on. She might be one of those women still going on about it in her 70s. I would just get on with your own life and be happy, good luck x

Maybe he was being honest with his wife?

One child is a stretch to be fair, so not an unreasonable question.

Shes allowed to have feelings and express them, it’s nice that she feels she can tell him and good for you that she shares it with you. Would you prefer he kept secrets from you?

I asked him because I wanted to know, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Before he spoke to her in person, he told me he was going to have the conversation and when she subsequently sent him that message, he told me about that too.

He didn't say anything negative about her or speak badly about her at all. In fact, in the time I've known him he's never badmouthed her. She's the mother of his children and, despite their marriage ending, he still cares about her and wants them to have a good co parenting relationship.

Not necessarily happy for me just more so happy in general. She doesn't need to interact or even acknowledge our child and neither do his children I would want my child to have a relationship with their siblings but also understand if that is not possible. Its not a situation anyone would want and you can say I should have known better but the heart wants what it wants. I have known from the first time we met that he had children.

My view might be skewed because my father was 54 when I was born and 58 when my younger brother was born. I have grown up with older parents.

I wouldn't want him to keep secrets from me ?

I agree with this OP. It does seem as though you are quite keen to make rather a lot of this.

I suspect it is quite likely that she has "put her life on hold" in order to protect her dc from a blended family situation and complications, so naturally she may be disappointed that her ex has not done so too. I guess that if he is 50, this will have come as more of a shock, as she probably expected it was a less likely decision at that stage of life and was not expecting it.