AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

I'm guessing she keeps having the rug pulled out from under her feet.

First her husband wants a divorce that she doesn't. The divorce will have taken a long while to even begin to get over. Then her ex gets a new girlfriend, and I assume you're younger than her. That will have reopened all her wounds. While she's gradually coming to terms with that, her children are really liking you. As much as that's a good thing that you all get on, it will seem like a bit of a betrayal to her. She's had to endure you getting engaged and then married and now baby news. She's had no time to start to get over one thing when the next comes along.

YABU to take it so personally. I'd wager that it's nothing at all about you personally, but the fact that HE is having another child, a child who will take time and attention away from the 3 he already has.
You can't control her feelings about that - but cheer up, sounds like the DC are happy to have a new half-sibling.
You say you want her to be happy - you suggest that she should meet a new man and be happy. How do you know she wants a new man? She may not want a new man in the DC's lives - I know lots of women who don't.
A New Man wouldn't change the above situation with regard to her DC, and a new baby with another woman taking more of his time/attention/money - because it will.
Maybe you will get a better understanding of that when you do have your baby - but in the meantime, stop making it all about you.

This
OP you sound lovely, and grown adult human beings are allowed to fall out of love and fall back in to love despite having children. Congratulations on your pregnancy, trust your own values, and let it flow xx

This 100pc.
I feel for his ex wife.
She likely feels that her kids will be replaced by new baby creating new family which is a natural feeling in the circumstances.

@OneGreatFawn
I don’t think it’s up to you to judge her feelings.

Have empathy for the poor woman and stop focusing on her.

His children have always been a priority and he has maintained a good co parenting relationship with their mum. He spends time with them is involved in their lives and from what I've seen, having a child with me hasn't changed his relationship with them

It will change his relationship with his existing children. It can't not. He will have less time, less freedom, less financial resources. His three children will no longer be his priority because there will be a far younger, resident child who will be the priority by necessity.

Baby needs collecting from Nursery vs watching a 12 year olds football match - who do you think will lose out?

The most realistic outcome here is that, naturally, the excitement and novelty of a new cute baby will wear off quickly for the 3 dc at their ages. And considering the huge age gaps and different houses, there's a low chance of any real, close sibling bond or shared experience. A new baby will be a net loss to those three kids. And the ex seems to be the only sensible adult out of the three of you that sees that.

If dh and I split and he chose to have another child with someone else, at the age of 50, when he already has three children that should be, and remain, his priority - I would be incredibly dissapointed in him.

I think you lack empathy. Based on my calculations he left her with three children aged 4, 8 and 11, or possibly younger. Although you mention you get on with the children, I have no sense that he has them 50/50 or even all weekend. While she was dealing with the end of her marriage and caring for her three children he was out dating and ‘moving on’. She is allowed to feel what she feels. Just concentrate on your life and support your husband to care for his first three children as well as his fourth.

She’s thinking as a mother and out of concern for her kids and how this will impact them. As she should.

Your feelings and happiness are not her concern. Just as her life is nothing to do with you. Expecting her to be happy is just bizarre. She owes you nothing.

I do think you’re centring yourself a bit much in other people’s lives as parents.

The reason you haven’t taken the place of their mum isn’t because ‘you’ve never tried to’, it’s because you never could. Wouldn’t matter if you tried or not.

And whether your husband is a decent father who maintains his relationship with his older kids isn’t because that’s what you want or because you’d never stand in their way……it’s down to him.

I don’t think the age is the issue - but I can see why it interests people that he felt his family was complete with three children and that’s no longer the case now. I assume he thought very very carefully about how much he can give a fourth child whilst still being an involved parent with the older three.

Although you mention you get on with the children, I have no sense that he has them 50/50 or even all weekend

Try reading the OP's updates.

I can’t see what she’s down wrong. It is fucking weird when your exH has a kid with someone else. I say that as a very amicably divorced woman (and I instigated the divorce) whose exH had another child. So amicable that I babysit occasionally, have a great relationship with both my ex and his partner and the child. Sometimes the kid comes for a sleepover just because he just likes coming over (I am fun!). But it’s still so bloody weird that my children have a sibling that isn’t anything to do with me but is to them iyswim? Your H’s ex had a shock. She shared feelings. She’s not wrong, you’re not wrong, it’s happening anyway so there’s little relevance to what she feels but she’s entitled to feel it. She’s not actually done anything wrong other than be human.

Very unreasonable-you married the first man when he'd been clear he didn't want a baby, and then divorced him because he kept his word?
Then broke up another family?

I'm not sure why your concerned what she thinks about you enough to come here and post about it

She's not obligated to give you her seal of approval

You're making everything sound so smooth and happy families in these posts

If I was the ex and my ex was having a new baby at age 50 I would be a bit embarrassed for him as he is an old man

I think he’s very selfish to have another child when he’s already got 3- the financial impact on them will be felt (unless he’s very wealthy), and even though they aren’t babies, they will still need his support in many ways for years to come.

I also find it odd that for someone who wanted her own family so much, you chose an older man with three older children. No younger single men?

I think it’s reasonable for your husband to want to move on but she’s also allowed to feel upset.

I think she is just shocked and needs time to process. At 50 she probably wasn’t expecting it maybe if he had communicated that a baby in the future was a possibility she may have reacted differently? It is odd having another woman hang out with your kids and trying to navigate it. They were together for a long time she will obviously have feelings about it.

You do sound a little smug and self righteous. What do you want. This woman is never going to be your best pal. And she probably doesnt like the way you have ingratiated yourself into what was her family.

You sounds like me. Divorce instigating, very happily moved on and more than happily single. Would want to go back to baby years if you paid me.

I really like my exh’s partner and feel quite protective of his younger children.

It’s still an odd feeling for you children to have siblings you had no say in the decision to give them, who are no actual relation to you, but who affect their lives so profoundly. My kids love their siblings and there’s no real problem but it’s a strange thing - it’s a loss of control I guess. And a loss of control is fine but it takes getting used to, for some people more than others.