AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

You do sound a bit smug OP. She’s allowed to feel how she does and if she can’t move on, that’s her choice. I don’t actually think her saying this means she hasn’t moved on anyway. Having children with someone does connect you for life if you’re both decent parents and she will probably be thinking how this will affect her own children. You will know that feeling soon enough.

Just get on with your own life. I would question why your husband told you what she said when you need to have as little stress as possible at the moment though.

I have been with my husband for 30 years, but if we split and my kids wanted his new wife to take them to uni and were texting her, part of me would feel hurt. Can you really not understand that? It is difficult to see how you couldn’t put yourself in their mums position and realise how she might feel. It comes across as “I can’t help it if they like me so much that even though I’ve been in their life 5 minutes, they just want me in on everything.” Think how you may feel in 18 years with your own child if they wanted your husbands new wife there if you split up. It’s not hard to have some empathy.

My “current” husband made me laugh though. When is the next one coming? 😂

I do understand what you're saying and we actually talked about his previous it quite extensively when we first met. Of course there are always three sides to every story and I wasn't there so I can only go on what I've been told and what I've seen over the four years we've been together.

He has never badmouthed her to me or his children. They've always had a good co parenting relationship from everything I've seen, his children have always come first for him. His reason for ending the marriage as he explained it to me, was that he wasn't happy in the marriage and didn't want to stay together purely for the children's sake. His view was that the children would ultimately be better off with two parents who were happy separately rather than growing up in a household where their parents were unhappy together.

I also don't think Its fair to assume that he's a bad father because of the fact that his marriage ended. When I first met his ex wife even she said he is a great father she can't fault him for that. He's genuinely a very involved dad and his children have always been a huge priority in his life.I'm not saying that his ex has no reason to have her own feelings about what happened. Sometimes marriages simply don't work out. My ex husband and I loved each other very much and our marriage ended amicably because ultimately we wanted different things. In our case we didn't have children so obviously there are additional complications when children are involved.

And yeah I have thought about the possibility of what happens if things don't work out with us. I don't think anyone gets married or has a child expecting their relationship to end but I'm not naive enough to think it could never happen. I would hope that if it did we'd handle it as respectfully as possible particularly because there might be a child involved.

From her perspective she would have been expecting to not need to have much contact with her ex once her youngest child is an adult. Him having another child at 50 is probably a real surprise to her as well - she wouldn't have been expecting it.

Now there's going to be a whole new person related to her children and she may feel some obligation to help her older children establish and maintain a relationship with their half sibling.

I suspect with time it'll all be ok.

It doesn’t sound like she hasn’t accepted it. She is probably worried about what this means for her own children.

I know quite a few men who discard their old family to please the new wife and she may worry that with a new baby at 50, he won’t have/make as much time for her own children.

Honestly, I would hate the complication of my kids having half siblings and lots of people would. Also, if the youngest is only 11, that child was very young when they split up. That can be very difficult to deal with.

I think you’re being disingenuous to pretend you don’t really know why there may be a bit of an issue.

I can see what you're saying and I don't think it's unreasonable that she might have concerns about what this means for her children but I am also of the view that they do not have to claim my child as their siblings etc our child will still have lots of support and lots of cousins on my side. My husbands family seem happy for us and aren't opposed to the idea of a half sibling, Dhs parents are divorced and amicable they had children with other people and have a blended family and are looking forward to meeting our baby.

In terms of him "discarding" his children that's not something I've seen. I haven't known him a lifetime but I know the relationship he has with his children and I would want him to maintain that. His children have always been a priority and he has maintained a good co parenting relationship with their mum. He spends time with them is involved in their lives and from what I've seen, having a child with me hasn't changed his relationship with them. At the end of the day they are all his children.

Given how many men stop supporting their children from their first marriage once a child arrivés in a new relationship I can understand why she would he concerned.

Also, blended families are often a nightmare for the children who have no choice but to belong to one. I decided not to live with a partner or have further children when I got divorced for that reason. She may similarly be prioritising her three children.

I had my children later in life between 39 & 47 - ie younger than my father

At Canoe Club there were plenty of dads though who were entitled to call me 'Young Man'

My ex left a trail of devastation like a tornado in a trailer park that was there for all to see. When my partner was pregnant though she kicked off a bit because it removed the last bits of control she had over me as I was now living with someone who helped me fight my corner and escape her controlling behaviour.

Based on my family experience age wasnt an issue for me but my ex was blindsided by it

How shit for the older kids that he's just going to pop out more babies. Has he got the time and money to support all of them?

I don;t know why you're getting such a hard time! (projection? A lot of 1st wives?) Their relationship ended. He's now happy with you and life has moved on.

At 40 most people you'll meet will already have children so the situation isn't unique. It's funny that people think you should be understanding about the ex's feelings but apparently you're not allowed your own.

If her only issue is she's worried about the effect on her children then she just needs to have a conversation to alleviate any fears, but I suspect that's not the real reason and I do think you should view her feelings with compassion, but absolutely not let them dictate your life.

The children are happy and that's all that matters.

Congratulations!

Its
none of her
bloody business

Sadly some people never get over their ex husbands, friend of mine's mum never did.
Just keep doing what you are doing OP, it sounds like you are doing everything right, esp in regard to your step children. Don't let anyone drag you down, esp this happy time. Congrats!

You keep on saying he's been a great dad and wondering why the ex hasn't moved on. Has he had the children at least 50/50 since he ended his marriage? If not, then perhaps that explains why the ex has had less of an opportunity to move on (or maybe her version of moving on just looks different to what you expect). Could also explain her annoyance now, if he couldn't be bothered to raise the 3 children he fathered with her but is now having another child.

The older kids don't think it's shit.

I can think of several 'professional divorcees' who I have come across.

It defines their lives

Agree she’s worried for her children’s future. I know a similar situation with a family last year. Three kids with first wife, then had a child with younger wife at 50. He sadly died of a heart attack when the youngest was only 2 years old. They’ve all since been at each others throats fighting over the estate. It’s absolutely horrible

Your child isn’t here yet are they?

I would say that I don’t think having a child with another woman at 50 is prioritising his children imo. His kids are 11 to uni age. I would say out children needed the most support from us through secondary school right through to young adulthood. Adding a baby would be a lot, but a baby with a woman that isn’t there mum could cause lots of issues,

I wish!

My children have half-siblings. Their behaviour impacted my children, and their dad's uneven treatment caused issues that I had to help them negotiate. Fortunately, less and less as the children grow into their adult selves.

It doesn’t sound as if her feelings are caused by you personally or anything you’ve done. She may just still be sad about the end of marriage.

May be better if your DH stops passing on any negative comments. Focus on feeling as stress-free as possible while pregnant.

I was trying to find a way to say this too it's a horrible post crowing about another woman's natural worries and feelings plus boasting about how much that woman's children really love the OP and how wonderful and magnanimous OP is. It's all a bit tasteless and unpleasant.

Not really that relevant but I just feel that having kids with someone is the biggest committment you can make. Marriage and buying a hosue pale into insignificance.
I really believe that when parents split that the kids always suffer . And they do even more so when the parents find new partners and have more kids .
I am the 'child' of divorced parents so I am not being smug . I warn my own kids NEVER have kids with someone unless you think it has a very good chance of working out .
And I think I that we really should not go on and have second families . Because it hurts and affects the first children so much .

I actually feel sorry that this has brought up painful feelings for her. I just don't think those feelings mean he shouldn't be allowed to move forward with his life.

Well no of course not. It's not like she can call the feelings police and have them arrest him or stop the pregnancy is it? She feels what she feels. your husband continues with his life and decisions. What is making him not move forward with his life? Did he want a ringing endorsement from her? I honestly don't understand what you are concerned about here.

They’ve been divorced for years so she is being unreasonable. That said, the cool
stepmum vibe would make me vomit.

Yep

Is he much wealthier than his ex?

There are quite a lot of assumptions being made here. Of course, ideally I might have met someone who didn't already have children but that's not how life worked out. I love my husband and I genuinely care about his children so I don't see them as some complication I've reluctantly had to accept.

This also wasn't something I went into without thinking about it. He told me on our first date that he had children and was very upfront that they were still young and that they would come first. He said that if things progressed between us, I needed to understand that being part of his life also meant being part of a family with children and if that wasn't something I wanted then it wouldn't work.
I did have to think about that. We went on several more dates and I liked him enough to be willing to give it a chance. I was even prepared for the possibility that his children might not like me which was something we discussed quite early on.

I didn't meet his children after a few weeks or months. I met them after we'd been together for around a year. When we eventually moved in together it wasn't simply a decision he made and expected his children to accept. He wanted to make sure they were comfortable with it too. When he proposed he had also spoken to them beforehand and they were excited about it.

Throughout our relationship I've seen him make a real effort to consider his children's feelings when making big decisions. Even when we first met, he was very conscious that his marriage had ended while the children were young and that this was something he felt guilty about. He has never presented himself to me as someone who was perfect in his previous marriage or that it was all his ex wife's fault that the marriage ended or that simply walked away from his first marriage like it was nothing and moved on without considering the impact on his children.

He will, of course, continue to consider his children when making decisions. They are his children and that isn't going to change. We also don't plan on having more than one child together. I had a miscarriage previously, and we decided that we would try once more. If this pregnancy doesn't work out, then that will be that.

The only reason we've told family and friends this time is because I'm further along in the pregnancy than I was last time and I'm starting to show so it was becoming difficult to keep it to ourselves. We were much more cautious about sharing the news after the miscarriage and not planning too far ahead or getting too excited