AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

The OP said the ex-wife sent a text message (which I assume she has seen) saying it was “like a punch in the face”. And that was a few days after the initial conversation so not a shocked, in the moment response. She had had time to go away and reflect and for some godforsaken reason decide that was an appropriate reaction to send to her ex husband of many years. As I’ve said, I’m not saying she shouldn’t feel like it’s a punch in the face, she can feel like that and rant to her friends about it but what really can be achieved from sharing those feelings with her ex husband other than to cause bad feeling when they still need to communicate and co-parent together.

Neither of you are wrong. She cant help how she feels and I dont think its uncommon. Its heartache for her and a change for her children. All you can do is carry on and live your life.

So perfectly possible for your DH to have another then.

Good, then be glad he tells you things!

I do not plan to have anymore children and he doesn't either we have talked about it after the miscarriage this is the final try and anything can happen between now and the due date. I have come to terms with the fact that I might not have the opportunity to be a mum.

I do not plan to have anymore children and he doesn't either we have talked about it after the miscarriage this is the final try and anything can happen between now and the due date. I have come to terms with the fact that I might not have the opportunity to be a mum.

Oh sorry, I thought you were pregnant?

I am but also aware that anything can happen between now and the due date.

You'd tell your children they were going to have a new sibling in a text message?! WTF.

Yes of course, fingers crossed for you.

She does need to move on, but her not moving on isn't really anything to do with you. She's not involving you and you only knew what she said because you asked.
Until she is actually involving you or affecting your life in any way, just allow her to feel her feelings and don't make it your business.

There is much truth in this OP.

Just adding the perspective of an exW this happened to as I didnt take the news well either and my exH suggested I needed to get over him. But it was absolutely nothing to do with feelings for him, it was worry for my kids. It would change their lives forever and meant their dad had a new priority. They had been through enough upheaval already and I knew a new baby would change things. And you know what? It did. They became bottom of the priority list. They have missed out on family breaks away as they only took their shared child, they are dragged along to days our suitable for a toddler... imagine a 15 year old at the petting zoo and soft play! But they have gained a sibling that they love too. So OP, give her time. Let her process and please do not judge. Children suffer trauma through divorce and she is no doubt just worrying for them.

She's entitled to feel however she feels. Leave her be.

What makes you think I’m going to say you should have known better? To your credit, it sounds like you went into this whole situation with your eyes wide open, and you’ve said you understand it’s perfectly possible that he will do to you what he did to his first wife, that you have your own income etc. It sounds like you ‘know’ everything it’s possible to know in your situation. I’m just not sure it is going to serve you well to aim for universal happiness. Nor am I getting the sense that she’s likely to prevent your child and his other children from having a relationship, based on what you’ve said. Which is why it seems you’re more worried about her opinion than you ought to be. It hasn’t stopped the two of you from proceeding with your plans, clearly. The kids, even the youngest, are coming into the age where they can and will form their own opinions of you independent of their mother, and if what you’ve been saying is true it sounds like you’ve already ingratiated yourself with them. I guess I’m struggling to understand why you’re so worried about this one woman’s opinion that you felt compelled to seek advice. Was it advice you wanted, do you think, or reassurance/validation?

⬆️ l have a family member like this and it’s quite wearing. They divorced in 1986 or 1987. Move on

I definitely understand and I care about his children a lot I want the best for them and for them to maintain their relationship with their father without my child interfering. All I can do is try

I suspect there is more to the text response as to why she felt that way
He could of told her hed never want more kids or anything

Op congrats on your pregnancy, and fostering a good relationship with your step kids, I think you’ve hit some ex wives here or some bitterness, you’ve done nothing wrong, good luck

@OneGreatFawn I’m really sorry you’ve had the usual first wives reaction to your post. It’s depressingly tedious.

From a non-golden womb perspective, you’ve done everything right, before pregnancy and once announced, and you may just have to accept she’s bitter about it and move on from it. Let’s hope she doesn’t translate that bitterness to their mutual children but if she does, based on this post, I’m sure you’ll navigate it with grace. Best of luck.

I don’t see why you need to do anything about it. Or judge her. To me, you come across as quite patronising.

This is my assumption, or something else OP is unaware of.

OP you know absolutely nothing about the nuance of their marriage apart from a completely one sided version of events.. it doesn't matter what she said, she said it to him, she wasn't talking about you, she was being honest with him about how it made her feel, there's nothing wrong with that.

It's almost like you are looking for a problem when there isn't one.

You sound lovely and so understanding . She may be a bit jealous that the children get on with you so well but it's only a good thing . Congratulations on the baby !

You are thinking too much about your DH's ex. You better think about your family and your baby. Congrats

I think that ultimately what she is upset about is the one unique factor about their relationship (the kids) isn’t solely between the two of them anymore. You are also going to be a mother to one of his children. It’s the final thread of their relationship going up in smoke.

I'm finding your post rather pious OP.

If you don't like it then don't have a baby with a man who already has kids. Simple.