AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

[OneGreatFawn]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

One of my exs was a single dad. He had mentioned his ex was hard work but being a single mother myself, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

One time, we were out for a meal and she rang him going beserk (I overheard), that I wasn’t to meet his mother as she didn’t want us being friends. Also demanding to know how much he spent on my birthday gift.

A few days later, he sheepishly told me that his ex had rang him back and suggested he has a vasectomy as she didn’t want me having a child with him and she would run away back to her home country with their dd if I did.

I didn’t have any intention of having more children but as soon as I heard that (he seemed to agree with her despite previously showing a desire for more kids), I ran for the hills.

I always thought crazy exs were excuses of a shit man but she literally was nuts. More happened but I won’t mention it on here.

Blasted bloody biology. He is 50 and having a new child and she is 50 and will never have another one with her partner. Of course it is a punch in the face and of course it hurts. It is not your fault - he divorced her before you met, but I imagine it is very painful for her, if she has residual feelings for him.

That is why I never understand women who wait till their boyfriends are 'ready to have children'.

Ladies, if your boyfriend or husband feeds you stories about 'one day we shall have children', remember this - he can dick around till he is 50 and then be OK and us? No, we are made differently.

I’m going to get the post removed. I genuinely only came on here for a bit of perspective not to bash her in the sense that some people think, I do not know her personally and she is my husband's children's mother and I care about my husbands kids so of course I would want their mum to be okay. I just came on here maybe just an outlet in a way but I suppose. If it is worth anything he has never bashed the mother of his children to me and he is always trying his best to maintain a strong and healthy relationship with her. Us having a child is not to hurt anyone like I have said I have had a miscarriage previously so I do not have high hopes here and this is a final try I am coming to terms with the fact that I might not get to be a mother and that is okay.

Thanks everyone for the different perspectives. I can accept that perhaps I could have worded some things better especially as I might have come across differently to how I intended, that is the issue with text at least for me I do sometimes struggle to convey and articulate myself. For what it’s worth, I genuinely just want everyone involved in this situation to be happy and for the children to be happy and unaffected by any of the adults’ feelings. I care about his children and I am happy to have a good relationship with them it doesn't mean I am trying to take away from their mother. They alternate weeks and weekends, my husband sees his children a lot they are part of his life, they with us, they have a good relationship with their father I do not think it would have benefitted anyone if they did not have somewhat of a positive relationship with me.

There is also a lot more to why my previous marriage ended than just the issue of children. I didn’t think all the details were particularly relevant to this post and if I had included everything that happened during my previous marriage, it would have been a very very long post!

It's really simple. He ignores her batshit inappropriate messages about his life with you and your new baby (congratulations by the way!). And he stops telling you the content of her messages about you, because you're going to ask him to stop telling you to protect your peace. Enjoy your pregnancy!

Good luck OP

She doesn’t need to ‘accept’ anything just to make you feel better, OP. And anyway, it’s not as if her feelings have got in the way of him moving on to the next woman/family, is it? If they were actually stopping him moving on you might have a point. As it stands I’m not sure what it is you want out of this situation. She doesn’t have to be happy for you, and i’m really curious as to why your husband has chosen to tell you that she isn’t. Could it be that he’s got a bit of an ego over the whole thing?

I think it's perfectly normal for her to have feelings about it...an extra child will affect her children..it will affect things like upcoming Christmas get togethers, birthdays etc..

I was with the love of my life and still had strange feelings for a while when my ex (my absolute best friend still)...started a new relationship. I was WELL over them romantically but it still felt weird, oddly painful. It eased and we then had holidays, dinners and fun. All is well.

It will affect inheritance and more. The Ex is realistic to know this will affect her and I think you know that when you describe, at length, her daughter contacting you not her. I can't imagine having to accommodate that luckily

I'm gonna say a little prayer that the Ex let's it go as an uncontrollable control in her life. I feel for her, some empathy here would be good

I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

To help you out here, imagine if the ex had a positive relationship with your joint child and was chatting to them, giving them advice, being pleased as punch about important occasions and being smug in the knowledge that they asked her, but she said no. It's not a bad thing, but you do come across as exceptionally smug and a bit grabby of the relationship with the children. If I was the ex, just from your posts, I'd find you annoying.

Hth

It's great you have a good relationship with the step kids, but I would try and put yourself in her shoes a bit. Imagine if your husband left you when your kid is little and goes on to have another kid with someone else? He wouldn't be the first and certainly won't be the last. I think you would be a little concerned about how it would impact your kid too, as regards time and resources. It isn't until you actually have a newborn that you can fully understand how time consuming they are. The youngest is only eleven. It's also likely that he'll be quite a different parent to a child then he would have been a decade or two ago, the kids will pick up on that they always do. I think she has valid concerns which you can't do much about.

You can think she needs to do whatever but you can’t make her.

This.
I'm not even sure how or why you know she's upset.
If DH has told you he needs to reflect on why. His loyalty should be to you and protecting you and your feelings.

Good luck OP and I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and welcome a beautiful baby in the coming months.

But the alternative is equally unattractive? There are MANY step mothers to be found (mine included!) who will do anything to remove the “original” children from the “new” family. OP isn’t doing that.

I think it’s more complex than any straight forward answer.

Yes of course their marriage is over, and you’re having a child now and everyone is entitled to do what they’re currently doing.

It’s difficult because once you’ve had children with someone, you can’t 100% “move on” in the way you would otherwise because you’re inexorably linked to that person for life through your joint kids. Even if you have absolutely no romantic feelings for them left whatsoever, even if you’re the one who initiated the divorce and are entirely happy about it, that person is still in your life.

Then, their decision to have more children inevitably affects you. Your children now have another sibling without you having a say in that. That’s a sibling who will be at their birthdays, wedding, their children’s birthdays etc. So it affects her life. Doesn’t mean she should necessarily be upset about it but she is affected by it.

I also don’t think she needs to meet someone else in order to be considered to have “moved on”. There any many former couples where the person who is happily single is much more “moved on” than the one in another relationship.

I think everyone in this situation needs to realise they can’t control another persons actions or reactions. She can’t control if you have a baby, two babies, get a labradoodle, whatever. So her best bet for is to make peace with that.

Similarly, you can’t control whether she is indeed happy or at peace with your actions - you choice to have a baby - or how she expressed that. You can only decide how you will deal with it, and what is best for your peace of mind.

Good luck to you all!

(But yes I really don’t envy him looking after a baby and then a toddler at 50+!)

@OneGreatFawn I'm so sorry about some nasty reactions here. I think some posters are def projecting.

I do think you have to respect her feelings. He can have a baby at 50 which she can't. She might also thinking about how this will affect the two younger ones (will they feel/be less loved, get less attention, less inheritance etc). Having said that I don't think you should dwell on her feelings. You haven't done anything wrong so just ignore

Can you quote what was smug about the OP?

You come across as bitter about something.

You don’t need to get it deleted. You’ve had some unpleasantly snarky replies but that’s absolutely typical for anything by a stepmum or second wife or about blended families.

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on, you haven’t rushed into anything, from my school run experience your DH won’t be the oldest by a long stretch and there are nice things about having a baby with someone who’s done it before. You’ll all be fine. Best of luck with your pregnancy, after losses it can be horribly nerve wracking and I wish you as boring, peaceful and happy a pregnancy as possible.

YABU to give this so much thought. You say you understand why she is upset with the pregnancy, so why not leave it at that? It doesn't sound like she is doing anything to cause anyone harm. I think her sharing her feelings with the man she married and shared her children with is fair enough. Most people enter a marriage with the belief it will be for life, him starting another family is like the final nail in the coffin and she has every right to be upset and to let him know that.

How old was their youngest when he left? Because if you've been together four years and he was divorced for years before that, it suggests that their youngest was quite young when he decided that he wanted out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, @OneGreatFawn. You don't sound smug at at all. You sound concerned and a wee bit stressed and I'm not surprised. It's not easy having the ex-wife sitting in judgement of your marriage and decisions you and your husband have taken. Especially when you want to be pleasant and civil for the sake of the existing children. It's really nothing to do with her and whilst, of course, she is entitled to whatever feelings she has she isn't entitled to put pressure on your husband, an indirectly you, about something that is nothing to do with her. Unfortunately you can't really take control here although I would suggest you talk to your husband about him finding a form of words that shuts the topic down when he has to communicate with her. It's tricky because he needs to be firm without lighting her blue touch paper. I hope you have someone IRL you can have a little vent to about this. You don't deserve the horrible comments you've had here. Take care.

She has every right to feel the way she does and you have every right to feel the way you do. Both sets of feelings can exist at the same time and it doesn’t make anybody wrong or unreasonable.

The best thing you can do is just leave your husband to deal with his ex and don’t ask questions about their communication etc or get into conversation about her.

Leave them to it and enjoy your marriage and baby.

You didn't mention why their marriage ended do you know why it ended?

The ex needs to get over herself, she's got no right trying to make your husband feel bad. If she wanted to stay married she's bound to be upset, but that's not your husband's problem to fix. They are long divorced and the harsh truth is that he can have as many kids with you as you both want.
First wives are saints on here though and God forbid a child gets a half sibling or two.

YABU for just assuming that she has some unresolved feelings over your DH

it sounds more like your DH was a crap husband and father for walking out when the youngest was probably around 5 or less. I bet they argued over him not stepping up as a dad and husband when he was in her house and he used that as an excuse to say she was a nag and left her. Now he gets someone else pregnant. That’s what she means by the punch in the face.

she’s not pining after him! She’s pissed off!

It dowsn’t sound like she’s causing you massive issues? You’ve got your own life and a baby on the way, and a good relationship with their three children.

yabu as idon’t think you can control his ex’s feelings about the situation. Only your own, so just chose to ignore it.

If his youngest is 11 and they’ve been divorced a few years and she didn’t want to, that means he walked out on her when she still had a very young child. I don’t know the details it does sound like he’s a potential scumbag.

Think how you’ll feel if he walks out on you because he can’t deal with the pressure of another young child. How will that make you feel. Do you think you would be over it after a few years or would you always hold a grudge?

It was a metaphorical punch in the gut for me when my ex got his OW pregnant, and my DCs with him were still tiny at the time. It was the one last special, exclusive him-and-me link, and it hurt to lose that.

l got over it, though. I vote that you give her grace, as long as she grows into acceptance and acts respectfully going forward.

Congratulations!

Typos