AIBU to worry CMS deductions could push my son into crisis?

[Wokeuptired]

My son split from his ex almost 2 years ago, they have 2 children together and 1 child that my son brought up as his own, their was lots of drama in the relationship and his ex was very demanding, my son paid her maintenence every month and paid for other things for her like the sky bill and some h/p goods, at the end of last year my son took a very serious attempt at taking his own life and he got sectioned, he obviously couldn't work but his ex was still demanding money from him, In March he got his old job back but he had to save for a deposit and furniture as well as pay for prescriptions food fuel to get to work, he was around £200 short each month and we helped him out with that, during this time his ex refused to let him see the children and he has not seen them since January, he had an upcoming court case to get to see them, as the eldest isn't his biologically he had to get a lawyer to help him as he wants her included.
Now the CMS are involved and they have taken £1700 out of his wages this is £700 for the month and £1000 in back pay as they calculated this from December last year, this leaves my son with around £500 after tax, he can't live on £500 as he can't even cover his rent with that, he has just got himself sorted financially but still owes money.
He doesn't know what he can do as he has phoned CMS and they said it has to be that amount and he explained the situation.
He has been to his boss to see what can be done and if he leaves this job he will break his contract with them and they won't employ him again, he can't go part time and then do work on the side to make the money up.
He just can't afford to work, it's ridiculous as he doesn't want to go on benefits as he also pointed out that it won't help his mental health.
What can he do?
I'm just so worried that he is going to try and end his life again as this seems like a no win situation.

@Credittocress you are entitled to your opinion but I think it is deeply cruel perspective to have.

If he was in a coma or dead the children would be worse off. You can't give what you don't have at the end of the day we are all human.

He was paying up to January when he attempted to take his life and was sectioned. He was hospitalised and lost his job which he got back in March. When he contacted ex to reinstate the payments she told him not to bother because she had applied to CMS in the meantime. It’s taken CMS from then until now to sort out the payments and that’s where the arrears have accrued.

@Looneytune253 CMS makes mistakes all the time.

My husband has had crazy arrears dragged up against him because they thought he had two jobs - it took over a year to sort. Other NRPs have had children assigned to them that aren't theirs. RPs are told that they have lost information on the NRPs so a claim can't be chased.

It is a not fit for purpose system all round and it takes a very long time to fix errors.

Parents pushed to breaking point by Child Maintenance Service, BBC told - BBC News

That’s the CMS calculation. It’s correct. His wage will have been reduced by 11% before the calculation was made to account for the fact that he has a child living at home in his second relationship. I agree it’s not enough but until there’s a realistic review anything over and above that is voluntary.

You don't accrue arrears while you're not earning. He only.has arrears because he was earning and refusing to pay. CMS doesn't automatically take from your wages, that happens when you refuse to pay for a long time.

Just another bloke screaming "they're taking all my money" when actually it's a fraction of their money and it wouldn't be nearly as much if they'd actually paid for their own children in the first place.

And the reasons you can't go into that he's no longer able to have contact with her 🤨

Why do these men get a license not to pay that the resident parent (usually mum) doesn’t? Mum loses her job or becomes ill she has to get into debt or borrow from family to make sure the kids get fed. He’s using his ex as a safety net and that IS cruel and unfair.

He does. That’s not the issue.

Do they have his income correct? The figures simply don't stack up and one explanation could be that they have the wrong income. If he paid regularly up until the end of last year, and then returned to work in March, its not clear why he has such huge arrears. He shouldn't be paying for the child that is not biologically his and is probably wasting money trying to get access to her - for now he should focus on getting visitation for his two children, which should be relatively straight forward. She is wrong for stopping access and hopefully he can get a court order in place asap. He can ask for a mandatory consideration of the CMS calculation, and if still unhappy he can appeal to an independent tribunal. Citizens Advice can advise. He will need to be completely open and honest with them though, as the figures you have are not making sense and suggest that you don't have the full story. As others have said, her earnings are irrelevant to his need to support his children. And while I understand that he was struggling financially for a while, its not a case of 'his ex still demanding money' instead it's 'his children still needed financial support'.

I understand that he wishes to pay for a child that is not his

Howver where is the father of this child ?

OK before I go i will put in a timelines for the people who are unable to grasp my posts.
Jan 2024 they split up for the last time
Jan 24 until December 25 my son paid £600 to her directly and about another £500 in her bills kids clothes etc
December 25 he quit his job and attempted to take his life
Dec25 - march 26 he was in hospital then discharged and he didn't have a job
Feb 26 the ex told him he wasn't allowed to see the children so he done a c100 and court is next month.
March 26 he got his old job back not the same job as the one he quit
April 26 he got his first lot of wages since December 25, he went to pay her and she told him not to bother as the cms were dealing with it
AUGUST 26 he got his first letter from the cms saying he had to pay £458 a month
TODAY he got his payslip and he thought they had taken £1700 but that's what he had been left with after deductions and an extra £300 for cms arrears.

@Credittocress If the RP was ill and unable to work she would be able to claim benefits to ensure her children were fed/clothed/housed.

If he had died after his suicide attempt the children would be in an even worse position, so it makes sense to accommodate his mental health.

The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t allow for genuine illness. An attempt to take one’s own life is extremely serious illness. This, in fact, is not linked to whether or not a couple is together or has split. Both parents are responsible for their children, of course. but sometimes circumstances mean that someone simply cannot bear that burden of responsibility, whether because of physical or mental illness. This happens all the time in couples who remain in a relationship as well. So yes, he ‘should’ pay for his children but assuming everything shared is correct and true, he simply could not for a period of time. Had he died, he would never have been able to contribute again and the children would’ve lost their father, creating huge trauma.

@Wokeuptired I’m glad it’s not as bad as it sounded and wish your son the best for the future.

What thread are you reading ? That’s not what’s happening on this one. He was ill, sectioned, hospitalised, not earning. What did you expect him to do ? As soon as he was earning again he contacted ex about reinstating payment and she told him not to bother because she had applied to CMS in the meantime. As far as I can see from what the OP says the only arrears he owes are for the time it’s taken CMS to work out the payments - which was from March to now. And if mum loses her job she gets UC which includes payments for children, and there is child benefit. It’s difficult, no-one is saying it isn’t, but what you’ve stated here is not fact in this case.

Exactly this. And the way some posters are talking it’s as if UC and child benefit don’t exist. There are safeguards. It’s not easy, but some of the remarks here demonstrate appalling reading comprehension and in some cases just downright nastiness.

his ex could be a millionaire but that doesn't negate him from providing support for his children. This is a stupid argument. He is paying proportionately to what he is earning. His ex's earnings are none of his concern.

Thanks OP. Maybe those at the back and the hard of understanding will pipe down now and stop derailing with nonsense.

I’ve got friends who are single parents who have lost their jobs. They get benefits. Their kids don’t starve. In fact I know a couple who BOTH don’t work due to ill health and their 5 children still seem to get fed. And they certainly aren’t in debt. They get benefits.

Why would they be embarrassed? Someone on £100k earns approx £5700 after tax per month, less with basic pension and student loan deductions (more like £4900). £1400 per month is a significant chunk of that.

Once everything is resolved and he has a court order for visits in place, and the CM arrears are paid off, he needs to pay whatever the court decides but not all of the additional extras that she's expecting. £458 for 2 children should be sufficient.

This post was made while OP was under the impression that CMS had taken much more from his bank account than they actually did. So it actually would have been very unfair because he would have been in a position where it would have jeopardised his current job. Which would have helped no one. Thankfully that’s not the case, but I can understand the sentiment at the time.

Honestly! There was more leaping and jumping than lambs in spring, it was like reading 3 different threads merged into 1!

Agree. I’ve seen some MN threads where posters seem to think that an ex being a high earner is an excuse for the resident parent to take them to the cleaners. It’s not about that - it’s about a fair contribution to the upkeep of your children, which, lets not forget, is the responsibility of both parents, not just the non resident one.

It's interesting that you quote all of this as gospel, when the OP also insisted that the figures were absolutely correct and she'd seen all the paperwork. So many posters stated this could not possibly be correct and OP insisted it was. The OP's version of events is questionable, as is her son's. That much is confirmed.

It's online but you do still get physical letters to

If he has been working since March and is paying £700 per month going forward, how can his arrears possibly be £9000?

it would be £700 x 6 surely- which is £4200.

Have arrears been included for when he wasn’t working or for months that he has paid her directly?