Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

There are enough unwanted children in the world.
OP, I feel for you. This must feel like the end of the world but it's not and you will come out of this stronger and happier. It is not anyone's choice but yours but having an abortion will not affect your fertility or future chances. You've already taken the first step in getting your life back on track.
I imagine your family and friends might feel worried about you but not want to upset you, tell them how you are really feeling and explain the hold this man has over you. You can do this 💯

No experience of people. Seen more than enough of people breeding from temperamentally unstable animals then being surprised when the offspring are mental wrecks. Dogs, cattle, horses, everything. Even certain strains of lab mice are known to be more stressy or violent than others even though their environment is identical. The man's a violent nutcase who has already bred one child who has to be medicated down to stop him attacking his own mother and sibling. For an individual of a social species to turn out like that something has gone badly wrong in the factory. If this man was a dog I'd have him put down or, if not possible, at least castrated to avoid any risk of him ever siring any unfortunate offspring. If I was pregnant by him I'd Alizin myself and take myself off to the behaviourist, I mean therapist.

please don't bring any more of that mans genes to the world. he is horrendous, well done for dumping him and blocking him.
I try to say this gently, but you seem to see motherhood as your chance to have someone love you. I think it should be that you want to give love, raise a person and let them go live their life. I also think that you will not attract someone to love you when you don't love yourself.
so with that mindset, I would abort the pregnancy, lose the tie to that horrendous man and do some intense counselling and personal development. Really try to value my life, myself, learn to love myself. You may then find you attract someone who can love you and you will be excited and happy to be trying for a baby with a lovely, kind, supportive partner.

my BFF just had a baby at 46. it's not too late.

A woman I know who had a baby with a man like your ex and also left him while pregnant has not even a week go by when her son is not attacking her, the ex is not seeing him, the boy is extremely angry about it, her life is very hard.

It's 6 weeks. Have a termination and never see or contact this utter turd of a man again! God, how could you want to be pregnant by him after finding out what a terrible person he is?

My relative was the first wife in a similar nightmare situation. OP you are not the first and unfortunately won't be the last to believe the lies of a man like this. So the first thing I'd say is don't be so hard on yourself - you made a massive misjudgement but you now know that. You've been strong enough to end it, be proud of yourself for that. Like many pps I'd strongly recommend you seek counselling.

Given the whole situation you describe, it does seem like a termination is a sensible option. But do make sure you are making that decision for the right reasons (and there are plenty of reasons to end the pregnancy from what you describe). But no one on this board knows the real you or the reality of your life. What strikes me is that your self-esteem is rock bottom. Perhaps a part of you feels you are not capable of being a good mum or don't deserve to be.

From my experience it's helpful to take time to talk it through so that your thought process is as clear and calm as possible- even if you've already made up your mind I think it's still helpful to go though that process. At least it was for me (a different situation in many ways - baby was unwell - but I can sadly relate to the feeling of wishing a pregnancy didn't exist but not feeling able to actively end it).

you’ve had really good advice.

I just wanted to say, that I think you DO want this baby on some level. And that’s ok too you know?

@NattyEagle well done for dumping him and now discovering who he is.

Ref the pregnancy, I understand how hard it must be to decide. Youre currently in shock. Give yourself 2 weeks to decide.

And ref meeting someone, I thought that too. But met my DH at 34yo. A year later married, a year later no 1 arrived and a year after no 2 arrived.

Sending you hugs and strength to make the you need decision about the pregnancy.

Have an abirtion. If you keep the baby ,it will be fir the wring reason.You may not bond with the child.
You have a good 5 years left to conceive. Maybe longer. You are likely to meet a much nicer gug that the ghastly specimen you have wasted two years on.