Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

Natty Eagle, you are so brave and clear sighted. I wish you well in every hoop
you have to jump through to free yourself from this appalling situation.

We're here with you.

It will be ok.

You're amazing and we love you.

Good luck - I would see that as a first step to building the life you want on more stable foundations. I would then make sure to seek your some mental health support to work through the various issues you have had to overcome. You can build a great life for yourself - you just need to build some stronger foundations for it and good mental health is key to that.

You are grieving a relationship and all that you thought it was. Of course this decision feels hard and you are upset about it all. There won't be an instant fix to those feelings.

But you don't need to feel guilty aboout ending a pregnancy just because having a baby with him was once something you might have yearned for. Situations and people change - it's okay to be sad. You can still be brave and make a difficult choice with the best intentions.

I'm sorry this sounds like a nightmare 😞 I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do but don't rush into a decision of your unsure, even just sleeping on it and making sure that's the right decision for you. It's a horrible position to be in when you want to be a mum and this man has lied to you. Whatever you decide I hope motherhood happens for you in the future as it sounds like that's what you want

You are doing the right thing not bringing a baby into the world, related to him.

He will always be there, waiting and watching. Psychos men who hurt kids

you have so long to have kids, you are so young!!

And this is why we always do a Claires snd sarahs law instead of taking men at their word! Because they all lie.
Personally I would have a termination as I wouldn't want any tie to him. But you need to do the best for you

As I said in previous message , let us virtually handhold . We want to help . I’m so sorry your friends and family are shit . I’ve no family because mine were . This isn’t just about the abortion , you need therapy to look at valuing yourself and seeing your worth . It seems although you have found out some really vile stuff about him , he drove you to being suicidal . You need therapy to look at why you accepted that and to find ways to know your worth and not repeat .

Do yourself a favour and get an abortion asap!

How are you guys so sure that this can have no silver lining? Have any of you kept kids in these circumstances or is your privilege from being married and never meeting a man like this telling me to have a termination because you cannot imagine being in my shoes? If you can’t imagine being in my shoes, how do you know the right thing either way? I know it’s right to terminate but is the part of me that doesnt want to genuinely delusional? If you have not met or suffered a man like this, how do you actually know you would terminate?

And I agree some are talking about how they had the child and the man was an arsehole . But you have someone disturbed and dangerous, another level . Sadistic and cruel .

if he drove you to suicide , this was already very bad .

You poor thing. If he beat his other kids you don't want him in your life either way. Cannot advise on the abortion but either way you did the right thing by cutting him out of your life. If you do have his child though you will always be linked and he could walk back in at some point. Very serious consideration.

Natty, we are here holding your hand, you are not alone. You need to heal so that one day in the future you can be a perfect mum. It is just not your time yet x

Normally I wouldn't be vocal about such a personal decision but in this case I would recommend to have an abortion.

• Father horrible person, abusive to you AND his children. If he decides to fuck with your mind one day he will ask for 50/50- imagine sending your child to that fucker?
• Genetics. Since you are no longer with the twat you can consider him as a donor. Nobody would want him as a donor. Not only his personality traits but also SEN. Tough life for a single mum- I can tell you from experience and I got my husband.
• You need some therapy to rebuild yourself. You are very vulnerable and need to someone to help you with past trauma and it's implications on the present
• In an ideal world you have a child with someone you love and your child will have two adults who love them and care for them.

Just want yo give you a hug right now...x

I feel your pain and bewilderment, and I also can hear the deliberations you are trying to make. I don't have a solution, but I think you do need to be a little more circumspect about your situation. If you do continue with the pregnancy and have this child, you cannot 100% be sure that this slimeball will not re-enter your life or the child's life. You seem to think that this will not happen, but you can't guarantee that at all (unless you change your identity and go into protective custody or something similar!). The other thing you do want to consider is how little support you are getting right now in this crisis from your immediate family. Doesn't sound like they're really there for you. Raising a child on your own is a herculean task in the best of times with lots of support to draw on. Is being a mother such an important achievement in your life that you're willing to take the risk of doing it in an unsupportive environment? Is that really what you're hankering for when you say you want to be a mother? Anyway, I applaud you for having the scales peeled back from your eyes about this relationship and I hope you make a good decision for both you and the potential child. Good luck.

I don’t know that if I wanted to be a mum and at 34 and pregnant if I would have an abortion. I am pro abortion, but time and fertility are against you once you hit 35. I had a cancer scare last year and the GYNO who did my colposcopy was very blunt that if my partner and I wanted to be parents, and if we didn’t get pregnant within 3 months of trying come back for testing (ie don’t waste 3-9 months of potentially fertile cycles!)

What support would you need or want to have a baby? Can you afford to pay for it? Maternity nurse, part time nanny ect

You’ve certainly done the right thing by getting rid of him. He sounds awful and has being misleading and lying to you. Be grateful that you spoke to his ex and also that you didn’t find all this out once you’d had a baby with him.

Only you can decide what to do now. Take your time and get help. Speak to the midwives and get counselling or advice. Do you have any friends you can talk to? Sorry that you’re family are not more supportive perhaps they just don’t know what to say. There’s no need to rush into anything as you need to make the right decision for you at the current time with the current circumstances. I hope it all works out for you.

First step is getting therapy. There should be some helplines for those who have experienced domestic abuse. Speak to your doctor and they may be able to sign post you to help or refer you.

Don't blame yourself for what happened. Abusive men are good at manipulation. I'm so sorry you've had to experience it. I've been in an abusive relationship myself. Remember that you're not alone. Many people have experienced the same/similar.

You have time to go through an abortion. So give yourself time to process everything, as much as you can anyway. You're still really early on. It's not something you have to do right now.

My husband has never known his biological father. He left early on when my husband was a baby. I don't know much about what happened exactly as it's not something his mum talks about (understandably), but from what I do know, it wasn't a healthy relationship. My husband is wonderful, so single parents can raise children just fine on their own. Just in case you don't think you could do it on your own.

But also, like others have said, it would tie you to him and he could use the child to further abuse you/try to control you or abuse the child. I'm not sure if you'd be able to stop any attempts at him being able to make contact, like if you have evidence of him abusing you/there's evidence of how he hurt his other children.

You are still young, and there are other options (sperm donors/you might meet someone). You have time.

But well done on leaving! I know first hand how hard it is. You're incredibly strong, never ever doubt that.

I wish you the best! I hope things get better and you come to a decision that is best for you.

I was in your shoes! Got pregnant with my boyfriend who was abusive. I had an abortion because I didn't want to have an abusive prick as a father to my child. I waited until I found a good, decent man who I knew would be a good father even if we were to seperate (we haven't). I have never regretted my choice.

There is no silver lining here OP. I have been lucky enough to have a lovely husband. But we met when I was 33 and my ex was a narcissist and abusive (we weren’t married and didn’t have children thank god). The kind of man that admits to BEATING HIS CHILDREN will never change. You deserve much much better than that… I hope you understand that but even if you don’t, please don’t bring a baby into this.

I do t talk about this IRL but I had to make this choice when I was in my 20s. Awful. But not as awful as the ties having a baby would have meant. So sorry, lovely, but I think you know the best thing for you.

when I went to the clinic (no pills then) I said “next time” to my non-baby. That made me feel better, like I was talking to their soul xxx

Also OP think about who is posting and why. I know why I am. I’d imagine a lot of us have either direct or indirect experience of domestic violence and the trauma it creates. It is indelible.

OP regardless of whether or not he is in your child’s life, that child will probably have issues knowing what their father is like. If you are considering a termination then I think that is the best thing.

There’s a lot of women here saying ‘just take the pills’.
You seem really, really torn on this, totally understandable.
I don’t think it’s right for people on a message board who don’t know you to tell you what to do here. You really need some counselling to work through this asap. I would not dare to tell you what to do. Either choice has huge implications for your future. My heart goes out to you honestly.