Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

Personally I think you're going to eventually put your child at risk if you continue with the pregnancy. This man is bad bad news for you and will be worse news for any child you both parent. You're 5 weeks pregnant take the pills.
I'm sorry for your dilemma but do the right thing. He's told you who he is.

I think you need to go to bed for tonight OP 💐

You’re incredibly emotional and thinking very irrational right now. You need some rest.

Tomorrow, contact BPAS and request some urgent pregnancy decision counselling.
https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Or NUPAS - https://www.nupas.co.uk/abortion-care/abortion-counselling/

You need to speak to a non-judgemental empathetic professional. They will be able to give you all the information re: future fertility.

If you do want to go ahead with a termination, you can request a surgical termination instead of taking the pills. (I accompanied my friend who had one at 6 weeks). You won’t be alone, you will be with nurses who will look after you and ensure you’re okay.

Going forwards, you need to block this man out of your life forever. Stop contacting his ex. Block his number and every social media account you can find of him.

You need to desperately work on your self esteem and self worth. Refer yourself to Talking Therapies via NHS (if you are in England6. I think you could benefit from therapy for your childhood and how you can navigate more healthier relationships in the future.

Also spend some time to find new hobbies, and you will have the opportunity to meet new people and new friends.

I wish you well 💐❤️

No one deserves a father like that. Even he knows he shouldn't be a father. You still have time. Sometimes being a good mother in my opinion is making the decision not to bring a child into a life of pain and suffering. I think you should seek counselling before you make your decision. Wishing you all the best for the future.

It sounds like this guy has some terrible characteristics, some of which may be passed down to your child. Personality disorders / neurodivergence can be hereditary.

i think it would be unwise to have a child with a narcissist/ psychopath.

i wish you well take care of yourself

Why are you assuming we're all married and have never met a man like this?

I think you're spiralling, what support do you need to take the pills?

I just want to throw my two pence in here.
I was 17 when I had my baby with an abusive ex partner who actually threatened suicide if I kept the baby.
I kept her of course and it’s the best decision I made. He is not in her life, and we do not have any court or visitation arrangements, he just doesn’t care.

Do you know if the mother of his other children has filed police reports to back up what she is saying about him? Because if she does, then that can be used as evidence in your favour when it comes to custody etc, although from what he’s saying I don’t think he would bother.

Do you have family to support you?
You Absolutely can love this child without him. You absolutely can bring them up alone.
It’s just whether you feel you can.
Only you know the answer but just know there is support out there.

I have met many horrible men and I have walked away from relationships with good men who couldn't tell me they loved me - one guy I was with on and off for four years. His best mate said, he really loves you but he can't ever commit. He's in "pending" mode all the time. His ex was with him for 18 years and he couldn't propose.

I know this isn't your situation, but I was 43 at the time and I really felt I would never ever meet another guy. Within six months I did meet a guy and he was sweet and funny but then I moved in with him and he would never be home and he would say he was on his way and he was getting pissed with randoms rather than come home.

And then this lovely man, who I had met four years before who was a friend because he was really obese, and I didn't see him as a partner. I confided him in and he said you need a solid base and someone to talk to, and over the next five months we became really close and I left the alcoholic guy. And this lovely man who has been in my life as my friend and partner for 15 years, is now my husband of three years and we've lived together for 10 years and I am at my most happiest ever.

My point is that love and good men do come along. You just have to spot them. Sometimes they come in an obese package with a northern accent, (though he has lost over seven stone since then). And you have to be ready for them.

You need time to grieve what you thought this man was and that is really hard because you are in cognitive dissonance. You thought he was this great guy and now you discover he's a monster and your brain hasn't caught up.

But you will recover. You will get over this. But you need to sever the connection to him. And in time you will feel better and someone will be there to be a great dad to your children.

@NattyEagle we are all with you in spirit, without judgement. Many of us feel that termination is the right decision in this circumstance but only you can decide. But any of us would hold your hand and reassure you that you will be ok and things will work out, as you take the pills. Try not to overthink this; be calm, take some deep breaths and just sit quietly. Give yourself a moment of calm.

I think it’s the right decision, but massive hugs for you. Awful to be in this position.

I hope you do find the right way to have a baby when you’re ready.

But a sperm bank would be a better option than a known abuser who some court might decide has a right to contact with your child.

Firstly I am so sorry that you have been put into this position by your ex partner. Can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it is for you to think straight right now with all the information that has come to light.

If you don’t feel able to be a single parent, but cannot face idea of an abortion would you consider adoption?

Take your time to weigh up all your options, don’t rush into anything that you are unsure of.

@NattyEagle you have done so well to break things off with this man. I am sorry for the pain he and others in your life have caused.

You’ve asked if other people have had comparable experiences. I have, in some pertinent ways.

My ex partner, truly a malevolent and dangerous person, was initially positive about the idea of pregnancy. Even after I became pregnant, at first he seemed happy. Then came the pressure to abort and the ramping up of the abuse.

I left, and kept the baby. Years later, ex in a moment of narcissistic midlife crisis decided to muscle in and now things are pretty awful again. The system can’t protect you or your child from this. You say you’ve lost two years to him; you could lose another 18+

You could go from muddling through yourself, having paved a life for you and your baby, to having your ex throwing a grenade into the mix and undoing every good thing while making life hell for you and the child. Please don’t dismiss it as a possibility, however certain you feel he’d never do this. I too was sure at the time of pregnancy that I wouldn’t hear from mine again. And my story isn’t unique. I know others, including ones whose ex had never bothered with previous children, but suddenly did this time round.

I am not telling you what to do - importantly, it’s your choice alone. But please do acknowledge that having this baby is as much of a gamble as not having it.

And if you do choose not to keep it, do not feel ashamed. It is an act of protection to the embryo to spare it ever having to suffer.

Try not to look back, whichever decision you make.

But how do you know that she would be ok and things would work out? None of us can say what’s best. She needs some help outside of a message board to make this serious decision.

Ah I'm sorry. Have you a friend who can be with you xx

OP, much sympathy, what a mess.

Don't blame yourself for having risked a pregnancy with this twat. Hindsight is always 20/20. You don't deserve to feel awful.

And don't rush things. You've got time to make up your mind, if I remember right the pills work up to 12 weeks.

Pragmatically, abortion clearly is preferable because you don't want an abusive man in your or your child's life.

But you want a child and it's true that good fathers don't grow on trees. You can't be sure that things will work out.

Maybe contact women's aid for advice on whether you can keep this man out of the picture given his record of violence against a child. I've known mother and child teams that worked well with no father on the scene.

Do you want a child badly enough to countenance all the risks in this scenario? Only you can answer that.

But if your family won't help, find a professional/volunteer to talk it over with (BPAS, women's aid, GP...) All the best.

What a lovely post ! ❤️

Just take the pills, you have 5 more years to meet someone. You can always use a sperm donor in a few years. This man doesn't deserve to have his genetic material propagated and also keep in mind that a predisposition for psychopathy and personality disorders is inherited. You'd be condemning this child to a predisposition towards antisocial behaviour and a life without a father - or - even worse - to forced contact with a psychopath if he changes his mind down the line. Take the pills, your clock isn't ticking that badly.

No one can know for certain how things will work out however there's risks involved. There's the risk that a evil child abusing man will want to fuck with your head and go to court to claim contact with the child. There's a risk that the child themselves will have their father's traits and ND and grow up to be violent and hard to manage themselves. There's a risk that with your own mental health being the way it is that you yourself will struggle with the demands of a newborn with no support.

It might turn out perfectly fine but there's so many risks there that it would be worth reducing them before motherhood and that includes working on your own mental health and finding a different father for your child.

I'm happy to give you a virtual handhold, I'd offer to come and sit with you but I'm too far away I'm afraid.

Regardless of if he hates you, he might still decide to see his child. Trust me he can drag you to hell and back. I speak from experience. Imagine he fights in court for contact with the child and wins (you might think he won’t be granted access because of his past behaviour but I’ve seen it happen). Then you have to allow your child to visit with him and be in danger and be under his influence and control. Trust me it’ll be hell for your child and for you. Do not bring a child into this. It sounds like you want the pregnancy for all the wrong reasons.

@NattyEagle

At this stage, you have a wide range of options, OP.

This man is not someone who would bring anything remotely positive into either your life or that of a child.

It sounds to me that the way forward for you is to not continue with this pregnancy.

Speak to the surgery first thing about making an appointment with your GP to get further support and advice.

I believe that one of the best predictors of future ability to conceive is previous ability to conceive, if that helps. You’re still relatively young and your situation may change very quickly. So many women leave relationships at your age and go on to have babies (sometimes multiple) over the next five or more years.

Hard as it is, I think you should try to separate your decision about whether to have this man’s baby from your wider fears about not having a baby. You’re quite likely to be able to go on and have a baby in a different situation to this one. Is it right to bring a baby that this man is father to into the world? (That’s not a leading question by the way; I’m asking what you think).

I've just read through more of what you have said, OP.

You sound exceptionally vulnerable in a range of ways.

The important thing now is to focus on yourself. Don't spend further time on analysing him and his vile behaviour.

Give yourself the chance of a brighter future by not continuing with this pregnancy.

If you bring this child into our difficult world without a loving father to give it love & act as a roll model for the child’s own future relationships you may regret your decision to not do what the majority of mumsnet members are urging you to do.
I sincerely wish you well. 💐

I am so sorry you are in this position but in this case I would say please have an abortion. If you don't, you (and the child) will be - whether you like it or not - forever linked to this abusive POS.

You've ditched the bloke.. Excellent!
Just a thought... you don't want a baby right now and you can't take the abortion pills. Maybe carrying on with the pregnancy and giving little one up for adoption? So many people are desperate for a baby.

OP, don't take the pills now.

You're going through a horrendous time. I'm so sorry this has happened. It's not the right time to decide though when you can't think clearly. You're very early on in the pregnancy. Give yourself a couple of weeks to think and let your emotions settle. You don't want to make a decision that has lifelong consequences when your head is frazzled.

It will be okay. You will either get an abortion and be free of this man, or you will decide to have your baby, and you will make the best of a bad situation and love it and raise it well. Either way, although it doesn't feel like it, you will be fine.