Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

Can we keep the replies kind? I suffer from very low self esteem, panicked about my fertility, and already feel like an irresponsible terrible person. I’ve already booked in a therapist and will never forgive myself either way. No need to tell me off as a couple of comments have. It would be lovely to hear from people who have been in a similar position either way.

I'm sorry but I would have an abortion and move on with my life if I were you. It's a shame you have seen all the red flags and ignored them. Imagine you have the baby and he fights you for access...if you have his child, you will be tied forever. You ARE young and you have a lot of life ahead of you. Don't let your loneliness force you into another unwanted outcome. Be kind to yourself.

@LoveWine123 God bless you for your firm but kind response.

I think hes shown his true colours and the relationship is dead in the water
The question now is do you want to continue with the pregnancy as a single mother or have a terminaton?
Only you can decide

This man could choose to parent this child if you proceed. He will be in your life and the child’s life forever. You will constantly be trying to protect your child from abuse with a social services system that does not always help.

You can have a baby many ways. I would be extremely hesitant to have this baby.

@Ponderingwindow thank you for being kind and giving actual advice. It’s truly helpful. I already know what the two options are….im simply saying at 34 about to be 35 they both feel hopeless and sad.

I would not be having this child.

If you have this baby you always be linked to this nasty man. Only you knows what's right re the pregnancy but well done for leaving such a horrible bully

Not saying what you should do re this pregnancy, only you can decide (although I wouldn't want to have a baby with this man whether in a relationship or not). But you know you can get pregnant, you could consider a donor if you don't want to leave it to finding another man. You would be no worse off in terms of support than you are now, and you would not have an abuser in your life or conversely the spectre of an absent dad looming over your child's life.

Ah I really feel for you OP. It can be very hard to know someone's true colours. It also sounds like your family aren't the most supportive/helpful. It makes total sense that you have a longing to have the baby - this is partly why young girls without much love and support in their lives sometimes end up having babies - not always best for the baby though, or for the young mum.

I would like to say well done for some things. You have done well to end your relationship when you realised his true colours. You did well to contact his ex and really listen to her. You are doing well now to really consider the impact of this decision on you and any future child.

As others have said, I would worry about the father deciding (and being allowed) to be in the child's life. I would also be worried that some of his unpleasant traits may be genetic and passed to the baby.

As you would be a single mum anyway (in the best case scenario), there's always the single mum via sperm donation route - not saying that's totally straightforward either but I think I'd choose that over this situation.

Good luck OP.

@Londonrach1 youre the first person to say well done. That really healed me. Thank you. I’ve been talking on the phone for HOURS to family and you are the first person to say well done. God bless you. I needed that.

OP my situation wasn't/ isn't exactly the same as yours but it's eerily close.

I haven't seen the father of my child since I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I was too traumatised, froze, never got help and had a baby. I didn't have anyone to fall back on.

I won't lie, it's been hard. But it's possible to do things all by yourself. I worked a lot. Full time, since my child was a baby. Then full time parent, full time administrator of a household. With very little support of any kind.

My child is now a teenager. They aren't damaged by the lack of a parent. They are healthy, thoughtful, academically strong. I've basically devoted myself to them and I live for them.

It is your choice and about your personal circumstances, and noone can give you the answer, but it is possible to do it by yourself.

You may miss it in my waffly post earlier but I also wanted to say well done. You sound like a lovely and thoughtful person who doesn't have much support IRL.

If I was going to have a baby with no support I would rather have one with a sperm donor than with an abusive piece of shit as an ex like this man. There is no 100% way of keeping him out of him and any future child’s life and it’s quite clear that he would cause all sorts of misery for both you and the child if he chose to.

I really doubt it’s your only chance at motherhood - you are 34 not 54, you are fertile, you have plenty of other options. I know many people who didn’t start their family till after your age.

Thank god you found out what he is like now when you are just a few weeks pregnant and have options and not further on or after having a baby with him. Think of it as a lucky escape.

I personally wouldn't abort but can understand completley if you do. If you want to become a mother then you are more than capable of doing it alone and you and your baby can have a beautiful relationship without him. Nobody can say it would be easy.
You shouldn't feel any guilt about not feeling a connection at the minute with the shock you've had. But you have time to make a choice. Do what feels right for you. None of this is about him.

@DisappearingGirl thanks for telling me well done. You have no idea how much crappy advice I’ve received and how flaky my family have been with support! My own cousin told me off for being so stupid, promised to come over with a packed bag, and has ghosted me like a typical man! My mother has been short and snappy with me. His ex seemed more concerned about her kids having siblings. God bless her honesty and she’s spoken to me for houuuuuursssss but if she said we could be a little unit supporting each other I would have kept it! My kid woild have had siblings in a similar position and maybe not feel so alone? But hes insane and would likely only want access to his other two but not mine because it seems after speaking to his ex that he never loved me! Everything has slid into place and he's obsessed with her. I’m just the rebound girl! I’m not saying she’s lucky I’m just saying I’m not “good enough” in his eyes to have kids with and I’d truly never see him again!!!!

@Hidingwithchocolate thanks so much and God bless you. The issue I’m having is that he hasn’t simply just done a runner, hes an actually ruined this experience for me and I no longer want the pregnancy. I would be relieved if I had a miscarriage. I simply cannot being myself to take the pills in my living room. I’m guessing due to shame and fear this is my chance and an attachment to being physically pregnant. I wouldn’t mind if he simply did a runner but he’s actually a nutter! Does that make sense? I feel like he isn’t just simply an asshole….his character is so flawed that I will not recover from this emotionally if I keep it. Hes evil! A compulsive liar! An abuser! Be belongs in hospital and I just don’t think I csn look at this child with love the same way a rape victim could not! If he left me after the birth I wouldn’t care but knowing I could have prevented this all makes me feel sick and like continuing the pregnancy is just selfish and irresponsible! Thanks for sharing your kid is doing well, it makes a sperm donor option feel good if I don’t continue.

Thanks @minipie i appreciate that. I keep on making silly choices because the right one is “hard”. There’s so many times we split up and I failed to see it as a lucky escape. I hate things had to get this bad in order for me to leave him.

If you have this child, this abusive piece of shit will be in your life forever. At any time, he could appear in you and your child’s life and make things horrible for you both. No matter how much he says he won’t be interested in your child, you will live the rest of your life worrying that he will appear. It could become a way to control you.

There are other opportunities for a child, ones that don’t tie you and your child to an abuse.

Well done for getting shot of him.

Put a positive spin on it! It’s been a learning experience. You have learned a lot about red flags and not to ignore and follow up on any doubts. You are coming out of this bruised but stronger and wiser.

Shitty men are not your fault.

I think it's extremely risky to have a child with a man like this. Right now he tells you he doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby, but what if he changes his mind - what if he starts to claim some kind of paternity right? This violent, abusive, lying man? You'll be tied to him forever if you have his child. Even if he stays away, you're condemning a child to a life without a father, but one day you'll have to say who the father is and then the child has to live with the fact the father is a psycho. I'm sorry but either way it's a terrible idea and awfully unethical on the unborn person who's got no choice in all this.
As for whether you'll manage to have a child with someone else, well, if it's meant to be it's meant to be. I don't think that's a reason to persevere with this absolute disaster of a situation.

It’s sad on many levels.
I agree with this comment. Lots of women become mothers when they’re older.
You have had a lucky escape.

I think you really just need to rationalise and question whether you’d want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life. People often romanticise the baby stage when considering having a child, forgetting that it only lasts a year… Even when they become an adult, you still have a tie to the other parent. He may or may not step up and decide he wants to support you, it sounds like he wouldn’t though so you’d 100% be alone from the start. Not just that but he abused his older child, would you really even want an abuser around your child? That aside, the child may look like him and you’d have a permanent reminder of the fucker.

Just take the pills, I would. It’s the only rational and logical decision to make. Some women have a child in their late 40s / early 50s now. You’re clearly able to get pregnant so do it with a sperm donor if necessary, just not with this abusive twat.

This.

He beat up a 9 year old ??

I am sorry OP but this alone would have made the decision for me.

You may have ignored the red flags, but what if he wants contact with this child one day.

I would end this pregnancy. This child will have a serious abuser father and the risk to this child is very high.