Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

[NattyEagle]

I cannot believe I am typing this but my now ex “partner”of 2 years has given me an ultimatum. Have an abortion and we carry on as a couple, or keep the pregnancy and I will never see his face again. As soon as he said this, we were done!

His initial reaction was apprehensive - I thought it was fair. But I NEVER would have imagined hed do a runner. When I first told him I was pregnant he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere - it just wasn't the best time. 3 days later he gave the ultimatum. He was as cold as ice.

He’s being manipulative and saying “don’t let any man tell you what to do, if you want to keep it, that’s fine, but I will not be there”. He had a truth dump and admitted to being a terrible father to his other two kids, beating them, being abusive, and basically not enjoying fatherhood. He loves them “sometimes” but cannot stand the responsibility. The entire time we were together I never met his kids but he claimed to be father of the year, pretending to see them and be with them.

I’ve cut contact with him and blocked him yesterday!

Hes ruined this. He was the one who told me not to take the morning after pill! We agreed we would see what would happen regarding family planning and a baby. Hed go up and down but always maintained it woild be a good thing.

i had a bad feeling that I’ve misjudged who this man is and contacted his ex who I have never spoken to.

she was an Angel and told me he has not seen his other two kids properly in two years due to social services intervention because he badly best their 9 year old. On top of that he was just a terrible terrible partner that financially abused her and beat her. He wouldn’t turn up to visits, ignore them for months at a time. No birthday cards….nothing. He also refused to divorce her and she had to get it done via court order. He told me they were divorced 3 weeks into us dating. The amount of lies exposed in our conversation was something out of a Netflix documentary. He told me she was a housewive….turns out she had 3 jobs while he paid for nothing. When her son was a baby she came home and he had bitten him! Hes a stranger. A stranger. I’m broken.

I basically have been with a compulsive liar and sociopath who saw our relationship as a bit of fun. I ignored a lot of red flags because I’m 34 abojt to turn 35 in December and I’m scared. I’m kicking myself for letting my loneliness consume me.

I don’t want to be pregnant anymore but already had a termination at 31 and cannot bring myself to take the pills. I feel no connection to the pregnancy anymore because of him, and am scared I’m romanticising motherhood out of fear of it not happening for me.

you know how some woman say “F U, I’m keeping it!”. That’s not me! It sounds horrible but I’d love to just have a miscarriage to take the choice out of my hands. I have no desire to be a single mother or raise the child of a compulsive liar. I don’t think I can love this child and heal from his lies. I’m also petrified this is my last chance to be a mum. I guess I’m clinging on to being pregnant - I felt so special and giddy in those short three days before my world was turned upside down.

please give advice and be soft with me. I want to be a mum but not like this. The abortion just feels….wrong. I’m 34 about to be 35. What if I never meet anyone? What if I do but we can’t get pregnant. The abortion I had at 31 was a massive massive relief. This feels like the hardest thing ever. I see no good outcome. Children abandoned by a parent seem to have a lot of trauma no matter how big the village.

my head is saying get rid of it and feel horrible because you deserve to. Deep down inside you knew who this man was and you played with fire because you were desperate. If you don’t have kids after this - that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The other side of my head is saying that I’m just grieving a massive loss and I will forgive him, come to peace with this, and love my child.

please give it to me straight and share your experiences because my brain is fried. I’m 5 weeks + 4

I’m so sorry you’re going through this . Under these circumstances I would not have the baby. You’ll be doing it all alone and it’s hard enough with an equal parent involved. If you have this baby the chances of you meeting another man also decrease as not all men would want to raise another man’s child. I’d have the abortion, never see this loser again and take time to heal. If there’s someone out there for you who will love you and any children you have together then he’s worth waiting for. If there’s not then there’s not and your life will be so much more difficult with the child of a complete waster. Children with the exception of a small percentage are hugely affected by not having a father figure in their lives. I would do it to my potential child. No child is better than an unhappy, damaged one.

You don't want to be bringing an innocent baby into the world, who has an abusive Dad. You say this man wouldn't want contact with the baby and he hates you enough not to come back into your life. You will never ever be able to 100% guarantee this, unless he died. You could live happily with the baby, just the two of you for years, and then suddenly bam, he decides he wants access to his child.

Given the circumstances, I'd opt for a termination. Unfortunately, you have no idea how easy it will be for you to conceive in the future. However, in my opinion, your fertility has to come second here. The most important part is protecting yourself from this man, and sadly that means making sure there's no child for him to have access, and therefore to abuse.

You then are able to walk away from the relationship and rebuild your life. You don't ever need to see or hear from him again. Having the baby means, you are tied to this man forever more. Even once a child reaches 18, there may still be times, when you have to be in a room together, for the sake of your child.

In 9 minutes. Quick decision.

@Beboo101 I find this response delusional which is a good thing regarding making a choice. You try forgetting a man like my ex. Have you ever even met someone like this before? Not being mean but this is my real life. I didn’t find out he was cheating or that hes gay…….hes a literal child abuser?!? A compulsive liar who has altered my reality for 2 years. Im
barely hanging on by a thread. This kid potentially being my best mate is hardly going to heal the trauma. Had I been raped would you be saying this? Had i found out he was a pedophile would you be saying this?

Hi @NattyEagle I had a similar situation in that I found myself pregnant with an awful guy who left me for his ex when I was 10 weeks pregnant. But luckily he lives in another country and I'm able to have nothing to do with him. Years later I've met a great guy and we're planning a second, all good.

What worries me about your situation is the fact your ex is violent, to the extent you could never leave your child with him alone - biting a baby!?! I mean he sounds like he should be in prison and never see any of his children even if he wanted to. You periodically need to be as far away from him as possible. If you keep the baby you need to go through the courts to get a restraining order.

@BoredZelda no, I literally forgot to put it in the post that I ended it already due to being so frazzled.

Never ever see this man again whatever else happens.

He is, as you say, a stranger, and your entire relationship was based on a lie.

However, thank your lucky starts you found this all out now and not after you and and you child had been assaulted by him.

I would also have the termination as you don’t want a connected to this psychopath for life.

If it were me I’d have an abortion now, and find a sperm donor who was not a psychopath.

You obviously want a baby and that’s fine, but this man will potentially ruin your and your child’s life.

No, I know. I do feel for you, and sorry I was probably a bit harsh saying 'self-indulgent', I just wanted to be clear that at some point soon you will need to make a decision and can't keep going round in circles. You don't sound like you have good, supportive people around you, and you sound very alone. You've acknowledged you've made bad choices with this man, but obviously this doesn't make it your fault he's abusive, that's entirely on him.

I guess my worry would be you having a child with this man who is abusive, social services will get involved at some point if he's around. You don't have a lot of support and haven't had good parental role models by the sounds of it. You're admitting yourself that your head is all over the place and if you sit back, surely you can see it's unfair to have a baby in these circumstances. The other choices are abortion or possibly adoption.

Free yourself from him. Before it's too late. You DO deserve better.

I haven’t read the whole thread but of what I have seen OP you absolutely cannot have this baby with his knowledge and need to 100% cut all contact with your ex, he is the scum of the earth. In your situation I would either have a termination (I know how hard that will be) or move away without telling anyone who might tell him (directly or indirectly). If you want the baby, are financially secure and think you can cope- have it- just far away from him. But you have to really want it, because having having a baby is always hard, but it is harder still for a single mum who is struggling mentally. Don’t have a baby because you are mid 30’s and scared it’s your last chance. And please don’t have a baby to hang on to the possibility of you and this horribly abusive man. HE TOLD YOU HE BEATS HIS KIDS. Most abusive men deny being abusive, so how bad is it? Read what he said again, it’s going to be on a channel 5 documentary one day.

You deserve so much more. I'm with you. Take the tablets, cry your heart out. It will be better.

And I promise you, in all the studies they have done about abortions these two things are true:

1. giving birth is more dangerous than having an abortion
2. having an abortion doesn't affect future fertility, particularly if it's a medical abortion with pills.

You will heal. You need time. and you don't need a reminder of him.

Take the tablets, honey. I'm here with you.

As everyone sensible has said, a termination is the right thing to do. For you, for future you wish to have. It can’t be with him / tied to him.

I had a missed miscarriage around that stage (but had to take the pills weeks later). This was in between my two healthy children. To get my head around it, I thought of it more of a cluster of cells at that point. There should be no shame or guilt attached to taking the pills. In your situation I would, straight away. Perhaps take some painkillers, stick on a film and do what you need to do.

Tomorrow is a new day and yes, you might need some talking therapy but you don’t know who you’ll meet. Happiness shouldn’t be tied to parenthood either. You can be happy either way.xx

Don’t continue with this pregnancy; act immediately.

I'm so sorry for the challenges you are dealing with but I am going to share a few things for perspective

• This is unlikely to be your last chance of motherhood if you don't want it to be - whilst fertility is an unknown at a general level the time it really starts to fall meaningfully is after 40. Your likelihood of getting pregnant naturally after a year of trying at 35-39 is only about 15% per lower than it is at 30-34 and is only about 40% lower than at 20-24. I had mine (IUI but not due to fertility issues) first time each time at 39 and 40.
• Having an abortion definitely has no impact on your future fertility - the studies have been substantial to prove that
• Having a child in the situation you are describing means that even if you never see him again this man, and the trauma surrounding him, will be a major part of both your and your child's life forever. I would never choose to have a child with someone like that even if he would remain absent.
• I have had two children by myself but properly by myself - a donor I don't know, sperm chosen on a website and where there is no possibility for them to have any parental rights. There are some emotional complexities to that but I am completely convinced that if you are going to be a solo parent then it so much easier to do it this way - my kids will have to navigate some additional complexities but no feeling that their father abandoned them or was a terrible human being. Their family and circumstances have come from positive, not negative, choices.
• Being a solo parent is brilliant but also very hard - I am lucky that I have a great career, good assets, a good support network of friends and good mental health. Before choosing to become a solo parent I would suggest its a good idea to have at least some of these in place.

Overall - its got to be your choice but it sounds clear that you feel the best thing is to terminate this pregnancy and logically that makes a lot of sense to me. You could then work on your mental health and stability to get into the right place where you can choose to have a child, whether with a partner or otherwise.

Incorrect. You can choose not to put him on the birth certificate. But in the UK a father can take the mother to court to claim that he is the father, have it proven via DNA testing, and then gain access to his biological child.
not putting him on the birth certificate certainly delays access, but it doesn’t guarantee no access forever.

You sound so stressed, I have no idea how long you have to be able to take your pills, if it's not an issue tonight, sleep on it.the internet can't tell you either way. You sound decided on taking them, just your mental healths reaction to doing so. Make a self care plan, therapy, self care, community involvement all much cheaper than having a baby. Be focused on addressing your self esteem issues, family problems, therapy doesn't fix things either, but it allows you to process and heal to enjoy life better.
A violent man seen your vulnerability and abused it. He's hard wired to spot it.
You can allow yourself to be loved truly once you love yourself, that's the work needed in therapy. Devote time and effort and discomfort to that.
Don't focus on getting pregnant in future being the problem, focus on being emotionally ready to be pregnant. You know what a child being brought up by unstable parents feels like, you have the capacity to break that cycle and hugely improve your life. It's awful just now, you will feel better, if you deal with your trauma.
You shouldn't have to go through this on your own x

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I don’t think there’s a “right” answer so I’m not telling you what to do, just saying what I would do in your situation, as someone who always knew I wanted children: I’d keep the baby, treat him like a sperm donor and nothing else. He doesn’t go on the birth certificate.

I actually know a couple of single women who have had babies via sperm donor. It’s not easy, but they are happy with their choices.

Do you have any sort of village? There is a world of difference between single mum with friends and family support, and fully alone solo parenting.

There are no prizes for tethering yourself to this man for the rest of your life. There is no award for putting yourself and a child through the hell of having him in your lives.

Leave, have the abortion, and find a better life. You only get one shot on the merry go round and you have the luxury of choice here.

But they are not married so she doesn’t have to name him & divulge his name to registrar. Depends if you can support you & baby.

Your choice of course, but I don't think I would want to have this man's child.

That's an expensive option though and we don't know the OPs circumstances.

I’ve become obsessed with becoming a mum, I’m just grieving that. I’ll take the pills.

You have no choice but to forget him because he’s not interested in a life with you or your child. You would be a fool to keep this baby knowing what you now know. Do you really want to raise a child with his genes?
And you say you’ve never been loved by anyone else. He didn’t love you either and I’m afraid wallowing in self pity is not going to change anything. Put your big girls pants on. Accept you saw the red flags and did nothing about them for whatever reason you want.
You alone are the only person in charge of your own happiness. You need to make friends, get a good network around you. People want to be around happy people as they’re all dealing with their own crap and probably can’t cope with anymore. It took two to get pregnant and yes you were silly to have unprotected sex but don’t do it again. Make sure the next man, if you meet one, wants you for you and wants a baby with YOU. So many unplanned babies who ended up in orbit fathers because they weren’t really wanted in the first place. It’s not fair on them.

You sound confused which is very understandable. I thinking counselling is a really good idea so you can talk through your feelings rather than relying on relatives who sound like they are being a bit unsupportive.

You haven’t missed your chance! You could have another 8/9 years to have a baby. Even more. You’ve been pregnant twice in 3 years which isn’t a sign of future infertility. Heal yourself before you bring a child into the world . You do not want history to repeat itself. Break the cycle and get well.