To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I get where you are coming from
my husband has 2 grandkids from his grown up daughter

I don’t really consider them to be my grandkids
I mean I wouldn’t baby sit or take them out for the day . I only see them if I go with my husband for a visit - certainly don’t want to be called grandma or anything like that
I leave my husband family for him to deal with

however my nieces ( my sisters kids ) I’m incredibly close to all of them and see them most weeks

Out of interest, does you half brother have a close relationship with his bio-parent (the one not shared by you) and that whole side of his family? Because to me that's what this whole thread hinges on. The step-daughter already has 2 loving parents and sets of grandparents.

For goodness sake. Don’t let these children grow up together thinking that one set of grandparents favours the youngest. It’s a horrible thing to do.

I have eight grandchildren. Three are my blood, five are not. They all get treated the same. The three that are mine only have me and my oh as grandparents. The other five have three sets of grandparents.

The eldest child's your granddaughters half sister. Don’t let the poor kid grow up thinking she’s second best. Be a kind Grandma.

I can (just about) see why this might make sense to you, but if I may provide a cautionary tale...

My DB's son is the apple of my mother's eye, nothing to do with him or for him is too much trouble for his doting grandmother.

My DS is adopted, so therefore not a blood-relation to his grandmother, and she has barely bothered with him since he was born.

To avoid my child being hurt by this, and to avoid me being hurt by it on his behalf, I now actively avoid doing anything where the children are in the same place with their grandmother, as the difference in treatment is so obvious. So no Christmas Day's or birthday parties and I have invited her to ours less and less as the years have gone by. I also don't bother telling her much about DS' achievements because all I get is a standard "that's nice" reaction.

So the doting grandmother's behaviour affects my son, his cousin, their relationship, and me...all of us are aware of it and uncomfortable about it...and yet somehow she is not.

You might feel differently about the two girls, but to be so blatantly, openly unkind to the younger one is storing up massive trouble for the future. Do not be surprised when your relationship with your DIL starts to falter; it will be entirely your fault.

I understand how you feel but I would tread carefully and make it less obvious.

At the moment you looking after GD feels very self serving. It's what you want, on your terms, for your enjoyment, and going a little out of your comfort zone eg babysitting both kids occasionally could go a long way in DIL's eyes. You're doing it for your son and DIL, not for your own benefit.

This girl is going to be in your life a long time so be kind to her.

Gosh I cannot imagine treating a small child differently to her sibling. How cruel.

I disagree - the older child doesnt live with her family unit, the younger child does. The older child therefore is already at a disadvantage because her parents arent together and her father lives abroad.

But if you feel comfortable treating two close siblings that differently then thats entirely up to you but its extremely naive to think it wont have future repercussions.

If I was the DIL I certainly wouldnt be doing anything to continue the relationship with the OP when she is old and frail in the future either because well, why on earth should she?- she's not blood is she?

I'm happy to be kind to her wow that's big if you.
Poor child.
How would you like to be the child and have an adult post all this about you?

The difference between a £200 bike and a £20 puzzle is vast and cruel. You don’t have to treat your step-grandchild like blood but you will create family division and jealousy between the children. If you love your granddaughter so much why would you want her biological sister to resent/be jealous of her. Its cruel to treat a child like they’re not wanted when they’re part of the family.

i say this as a step-mom whose parents took your stance. That’s their right but they see a damn site less of me and their ‘biological family’ they value so much because they treat my step-kids like dirt on their shoes and I won’t have the family I chose to make be treated that way. I never asked them to love my step-kids or to be their grandparents, but basic respect means not treating them like an inconvenience and buying them pathetic gifts like a jigsaw puzzle (or in my parents case a pack of pencils) whilst you buy expensive and personalised gifts for your biological relatives.

It’s very strange that you seem to have zero bond with a child who has been in your life for at least 3 years, especially when they were just a toddler when they became part of your family.

I understand the part of loving your granddaughter, maybe that’s just nature. But to treat them so differently is just cruel.

You keep mentioning that the oldest daughter’s dad doesn’t treat your gd the same as his daughter. The situations are not comparable. The older daughter has much more contact in the way of everyday life with your son and you and your husband.

she may be your granddaughter but her sister will likely trump that relationship. I fear she won’t be so keen to spend time with a granny who has blatantly treated her sister poorly throughout their lives. That’s if your dil doesn’t limit contact first of course.

The son may not not mind

The daughter in law does....

Watch this space. It won't be long before arrangements stop and time is limited and then there won't be memories

We all say the partner / husband needs to stand by their partner and the in-laws should go away....

Watch this space. Come back in a few months or longer and update us on how it has gone

this is a mental attitude that you can change.

I wonder what is beneath this - were you disappointed your son married a 'divorced woman' - a woman already with what must have been a very young child when they met?

Are you even subconciously making a point about this?

I can't quite take seriously the idea that you absolutely are not prepared to make pancakes with a young child in case it detracts from the total focus on the 'blood relative'. I mean - family life is supposed to be enjoyable? mixing up a pancake with the older one while the baby laughs at it all from the high chair?

You are determined to set out your logical position - it will end up costing you.

This is very sad. Your son has accepted her as part of his family, but you aren't interested because there's no blood relation.

It doesn't matter if she calls him "dad" - Living with someone from age 2 will lead to a family-like bond unless your son plans to actively reject her. It seems like you view DIL as a temporary arrangement.

I genuinely do understand where you’re coming from OP and you sound a lovely grandmother. But I was the younger child in the scenario you describe, obviously much more loved by my paternal grandparents than my big (half sister). We noticed. It hurt both of us.

Exactly.
Dosent care about her son's happiness/marriage at all?

I understand you feel how you feel. That’s ok to feel like that.

I am 100% sure many of your actions will actually ultimately lead to the opposite of what you desire. You will end up getting less time with your granddaughter.

Your son will obviously be active in DSDs life whereas DSDs dad and paternal grandparents won’t particularly be in your granddaughter’s life. That’s just a timeline/ natural order of events. Those sisters come as a package whether you like it or not as they both live together.

You will get your 1-1 time over the years when eldest is with her dad’s family.

Even if you do it for the wrong reasons I would defo embrace your DSGD more if you want a healthy relationship with DIL and therefore DGD. It will ultimately cost you time with DGD if you don’t.

I wonder what is beneath this - were you disappointed your son married a 'divorced woman' - a woman already with what must have been a very young child when they met?

I'm getting these vibes too

I do not think you are being unreasonable but your DIL will think you are. This happened to my Mum when she ignored my brother's two stepchildren in favour of his biological children. She has never been forgiven over 20 years later. It is really hard I agree.

Op’s son doesn’t consider his stepdaughter to be his - he’s just ‘Mike’ to her. His wife presumably knew this to be the case before she married and had another child with him. I’m not sure why she would have higher expectations of OP than she does her own husband.

Does your son love this little girl as if she were his own? Presumably yes?

It’s how this manifests that could be difficult for the parents to manage. You mention private school for example, could you imagine them accepting that offer and sending just one of their children to a private school? I would never let that happen to my children. It would cause untold contempt and resentment between the girls.

You could apply this scenario to gifts, holidays, trips etc.. ultimately this is your granddaughters sister and that little girl will have her paternal grandparents, so as long as that bridges the ‘gap’ then it shouldn’t be an issue. But resentment will build where this isn’t the case.

In your son and DIL shoes, my priority would be protecting the relationship between the sisters. So be careful how you navigate things when treating them differently.

Can you clarify how the babysitting works though? If you are only taking one and they are left with the other one then no, they aren’t having a date night or an adults only coffee.

It’s genuinely lovely how much you enjoy spending time with your granddaughter but it also needs to be about helping the new parents too not just your enjoyment.

My brother married his girlfriend and took on and raised her 4 year old son as his own (he also saw his own biological dad). My parents (and the rest of the family) took him on as their own grandson and never ever treated him any differently to all the other grandchildren who came along. I have two grandchildren who are no blood relation to me at all and yet I couldn’t love them anymore than if they were related by blood.

this little girl will know that you treat her differently but won’t understand why. Her mother and your son will notice and will know exactly why - I wouldn’t think kindly of you if I were them.

children flourish with all the love they get no matter blood relation or not.

dont set up a barrier between the girls.

treat her as an equal granddaughter and you will benefit from her love as you grow older.

Me as a child - I was made to feel very other by my stepfather's parents. Christmas presents were from a jumble sale and they had money. Other family members got real presents. They had no biograndchildren either!
My child - my ex MIL was an absolute diamond. Always gave my younger daughter birthday and Christmas presents, never turned up with gifts for one and not the other. Generous with her time.
Me as an adult - loved all kids inc step kids equally. It isn't an effort to love a bonus child.
There's an easy route here and there's a hard route. You reap what you sow, so be careful

With every new post, you just sound worse, OP.

You've had your chance to raise your children. These aren't your moments to "experience again with granddaughter". At the expense of hurting another small child, in to the bargain. Why have you mentioned several times about the joy of watching her experience new foods and making pancakes? Weird.

You just sound like an overbearing, poorly stereotyped MIL from hell. You're annoyed that your "experiences" are being spoiled by the reality of your son choosing a blended family. If you don't like it, don't be involved in it. I'm sure your DIL will enforce that for you soon enough.