To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I think you're being a bit harsh given she has been in your life since she was two. I can see where you're coming from but it's like you decided there would never be a relationship because she isn't blood, rather than at least having a go because she is your beloved sons step daughter and beloved granddaughtera step sister.

With kids that close in age and given that the step daughter was so young when they got together, it's inevitable that they want to function as one family unit, and its inevitable that they want to treat both children the same, and its inevitable that the step sisters will see themselves as full sisters.

With this in mind, your son and his wife won't (as most responsible parents wouldn't) put their children in a position where both are treated differently to each other. No parent is going to be ok with spending time with someone who gives one child getting a bike and the other a colouring book, when they are so close in age. No parent is going to let one child go to private school or similar privileges while the other goes without. That would damage both children and their relationship with each other. Ultimately its not in your granddaughters best interests to be put in a situation where there is a rift with her step sister due to jealousy and resentment.

So while a lot of people will agree with how you're feeling, and understand where you're coming from, more people will not understand how you're acting. On a pragmatic level, given the feedback you've had from your sons wife, you're going to have to scale back what you give your grand daughter, or step up what you give to your step granddaughter, otherwise your sons wife will pull back from you to avoid situations where they're obviously treated differently

Yes. And that guff about not wanting to even have a conversation or help with homework in case she misses some amazing pivotal moment with her actual grandchild is a flimsy excuse and a frankly a bit pathetic.

And she may find that like my DC, they’re not fussed in the slightest as they understand they have different grandparents. DSC are also not fussed in the slightest.

I think you should find a middle way, not least for your own good. Bear in mind your granddaughter will be very influenced by how her mother and big sister feel about you in the future.

Agree!

My (half) brother was treated the same as all grandchildren by my nan and grandad. He was always the oldest grandchild. I don’t even think my cousins know he is’t ‘blood’.

Won't the older sister feel the same about her own grandparents who won't treat the little sister the same? Or are they getting a free pass because her father takes her abroad multiple times a year?

I would treat them the same - this little girl is family now.

You seem to have completely forgotten that her mum, your DIL has a say in all of this and your son. You are wanging on about a future that probably is nothing like how this is going to play out. Do you honestly think that their mum and stepdad will not have to pick up the pieces, the tears from children that know they being treated very differently?
i would advice popping over and reading all the MIL and NC threads on here, because ultimately you're most likely to find yourself in a similar position. Unless you feel that your wealth makes you different, and that you can play silly games regardless of who gets hurt.

Yes. I think OP needs to remember both children have the same mother.

Sure, if the older child had an absent father and uninvolved paternal grandparents, I'd be more inclined to say OP should treat them equally for the sake of the sibling relationship.

But taking your Christmas example, the older child will be getting presents from 2 sets of grandparents. Her baby sister will also get 2 sets of presents, just from different grandparents. How is that unfair?

Children can understand a lot if explained to them properly. The older sister will have special holidays with her dad, special presents from her paternal grandparents, a whole other side of her family that she will not be sharing with her baby sister.

She can understand that her sister has a different set of grandparents to her just like they both have different sets of bio parents. I'm assuming the older child won't be calling her step-dad "dad" for starters - that position is already taken by her actual father.

Everyone should be friendly and kind, but the relationships are different.

Well you seem very set in your mindset and have been arguing your point very strongly so I doubt you are going to change your mind. But you must have started this thread for a reason, so I would imagine there's a small part of you that realises this is unfair, unkind and setting up an unspoken dynamic within the family. Unless you just want people to agree with you...

shes 2 for god's sake..still a baby...youre her granny as well..you know

Or she won’t see an issue with it at all, given that they have entirely different paternal families. That’s just going to be normal for her.

OP’s son isn’t a dad to his stepdaughter, so I’m not sure why OP’s granddaughter would have any expectations of her.

No-one can make you love her the same, but you should at least treat her equally - that you can do.
You met her when she was tiny, and she's the daughter of the woman who gave you your beloved grandchild.

But the little sister isn't going to be around them is she? This child has no choice but to be around the OP because her mum's taken up with the OPs son.

this

This all makes me feel so sad. Its a little girl 😞she wont understand being treated differently at all. If I were her mum then I would seriously consider how much time you got to spend with any of my children

if my HUSBAND found this okay he definitely will be having a problem lol id be the biggest problem on the planet.

OP you come across as incredibly self-centred. Why would you be feeding your GD new foods and not her parents? Why are you trying to treasure every tiny moment? She’s not your daughter, she’s your granddaughter.

Meanwhile, the 5-year old will see straight through you. Have a proper think about what your role really is and how you can develop healthy relationships with the whole family. You don’t have to help out, but if you want a healthy relationship with this little family, you do have to treat the children equally.

To put it another way, dh had a step grandmother who was only interested in her ‘blood’ grandchildren and he has a very, very different view of her compared with his half siblings. This inevitably creates disagreements and it was probably unsettling for his half siblings to realise that the person they viewed as a lovely granny was seen very differently by others. In the end, she was viewed as only nice to some people, and therefore not a nice person overall.

I find all this wide eyed moralising very hard to take seriously.
All the concern about the older child seeing her siblings grandparents treat them differently does not seem to extend to the younger child. If the baby is going to be expected to grow up knowing who her grandparents are and aren’t, why can’t the older child?
If their mutual grandparents were to treat them differently that would be a real problem.
No child is second best, they just aren’t all related to the same people.

And if they had another in 4ys time then what

you can’t be making pancakes for youngest blood gc while helping oldest blood gc with their homework

dad may be involved but if lives abroad he isn’t having 50/50 or eow so will be spending lots of time with your son and her mum

THIS!!! This is what I wanted to say!

I have a step daughter and two sons. My parents would always include my step daughter in their count of how many grandchildren they have because she is part of MY family, she's a sibling to MY children and their biological grandchildren.

It doesn't matter that she has 3 other grandparents, she is treated the same as my parents grandchildren - same egg at Easter, same size and value Christmas presents, same invitations to meals out and holidays.

She's never been othered at their home, she's never felt that her brothers are favourites.

No one can tell you how to feel but we can all see how you act and that other little girl is going to feel less loved, less seen and less valued if you continue to treat her like a second class citizen in her family unit.

How soon will the OP's granddaughter realise that her big (half) sister shares one set of grandparents with her and has a completely separate set who are also involved?

How is that fair? One child gets 3 sets of grandparents, other gets two?

Yet another story of adults reproducing in multiple relationships without even thinking about the children they already have. OP is absolutely not ay fault here.

This is the problem with blended families and why they are best avoided, and I speak from experience. You are correct but that will fall on deaf ears unfortunately. I’d play the long game and try to be more equal where you can. The girls are sisters and will be close so maybe view it that way?

Quite apart from the step-grandchild issue, this is such a weird take. What if your son and DIL have another child - will you resent your current granddaughter for being a toddler and making you miss out on the new baby babbling? You say you had children, plural - did you feel like spending time with your eldest was an obligation when you could have been making pancakes with your youngest?