To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

You also sound like you have money to burn so why can’t you just treat them both the same? Is it a matter of principle to you? And even if money was an issue, the kinder thing would be to scale down the gifts and make them equal. You claim to love your dgd so much but you are actively contributing to a difficult dynamic in her family unit. What is the reason for it?

Well the other GPs haven’t written in to Mumsnet so we are only discussing and seeing the thread OP posted. If OP wasn’t wondering about the scenario she wouldn’t have posted and we wouldn’t be giving opinions, wide eyed or otherwise.

Oh god, I had to put up with this as a child. I’m 60 now and hoped things would have changed.
My step sister and I were discussing it recently as she’d found some old photos. She’s sat there with a massive Easter egg, and her grandma had given me tiny one 🤔
My step sister said she can still remember how awful she felt that we were treated so differently. This is one little example of years of hugely different treatment.

You may be ok whilst your granddaughter is 2 but she’ll soon realise how unfair you are being. And children do not like unfairness.

Wow.
This girl is part of your family. Your son is playing a big part in raising her and you are talking like you don't even like her and resent having to spend time with her. .
Your son has chosen for this girl and her mum to be his family. His wife is the mother of your biological granddaughter and her daughter is related by blood to your granddaughter. You're all family now.

Doesn't than mean anything to you?

Mean.

Have you considered that if you were open minded enough, you could love her just as much? You could cast aside the notion that 'being related' somehow means that one should be treated differently - they are married and are a family and should be embraced as such.

I was lucky enough to have a sort of third grandparent - not blood related at all but lived with my grandparents. I loved that man with my whole heart and vice versa, I was closer with him than to my actual grandad. He never had the title of 'granddad' but it didn't matter in the slightest. Relationships are built with openness, time and trust, not just blood. Choose to love her, and you will.

Your walking a dangerous path op. Many sons follow their wives. If your dil is not happy about you treating them differently then you won't get to see your dgd.

Fine you dont want to babysit two kids but by sounds of it you have the money so should treat both children the same in regard to presents. I cant see any decent parent allowing you to pay for private shcool for one child and not the other. If you keep going down this path you will cause upset and tension and younwill be worse off

The idea that being ostentatiously less loving and generous to a small child = principle is really awful.

Countdown to the DIL's 'AIBU to go NC with MIL over the way she treats my daughters' in 3... 2....

Maybe it's too early to say but how to the grandparents from the father's side treat your DGD? Or are they also abroad and your DGD would barely see them?

I personally would embrace the older girl as another family member and never, ever let her feel anything other than totally loved and welcome, however I do understand your POV entirely what with this girl having such a good relationship with her extended family.

You need to compare how your step granddaughters grandparents are treating your grandchild and go from there really.

Be very very careful op…. Because if the treatments becomes such a large difference your dil might reconsider how much you see your grandchild for fear of her older daughter feeling left out - you have more to lose here. I’ve seen it happen in my own family. There is zero contact now - and the grandparent in question has just died without seeing the grandchildren ever again.

No. What tosh.

You need to lead the way and always set an example by being better and kinder and just all round wonderful family member. Regardless of what other people are doing.

I'm completely at a loss how anyone would do this to a small child/baby and how grown up adults could think it's ok.
So if your son adopted a child you wouldn't love her because she's not blood?
I think it won't be long before your son and his wife decide that they don't need this division between their children and lessen contact with you as it is so hurtful to one child.

How would you feel in this scenario? It's four years in the future, DS and DIL have divorced and DIL has moved an hour away, back with her ex. His parents are just round the corner and see the girls multiple times a week, but, naturally, they are closer to their real grandchild and treat the two girls differently. They still buy them both presents but the elders are more expensive. She goes for sleepovers and gets days out with them every week. Yours doesn't because she's too young and not theirs.

Is that OK with you?

They are a family unit and part of your family.

I can understand how your feel, it's probably natural. But given that they are very young, quite close together in age and living together as sisters, I think it will make a much for a much nicer feeling for everyone if you try to treat them the same.

it's weird that the first child has her own grand-parents, her own side of the family looking after her

but she should also be a priority for people she's not related to?

So she should end up with presents from all sides, getting a lot more than the second child, in the name of "fairness"?

Interesting way to see fairness.

Well if OP is anything like my mother, she'll just completely drop her granddaughter for a new baby if and when one comes along, despite having been almost obsessed with her until then.
But assuming OP is not my mother... Look you have two choices. Continue as you are, but realise that you are risking your relationship with your DIL, son and granddaughter, or welcome your step-grandaughter into your family, treat them equally, and get to have a relationship with two lovely (I assume) little girls instead of one.

Think about it from the child’s perspective.

You are part of her family and she will never know anything else.

she won’t understand

It doesn’t matter whether your position is reasonable or not. Your relationship with GD ultimately rests on you son and DILs good will. If your favoritism causes issues within their family unit (real or perceived) then it is likely DIL will act to limit the children’s exposure to it and so restrict your relationship and involvement with GD.

You need to have this conversation with the parents. You can put your view across in a sensitive way but they are the ones who decide the environment they want the girls growing up in and you have to respect their choices. Once you’ve heard their position you can decide how you act and accept the consequences that will come from that. You can’t force them to agree with you and they have the final say how they raise their children.

I am so grateful I come from a family who would never treat children like this.

Totally normal and natural to feel differently about this child but to make it so obvious is frankly cruel.

Your DIL will prioritise her children and ultimately your son will most likely choose them, you’re going to damage your relationships with all of them and for what, to save a few £ on gifts? Doesn’t this little girl also deserve your time? Why even concern yourself with what others are doing, the only actions you can control are your own.

When those girls get older I guess there’s a chance they won’t care but there’s also a good chance they will care about how differently you’ve treated them, it’s up to you whether your want to take that risk, I certainly wouldn’t.

I would compromise with some easy wins eg presents to be comparable, perhaps reading or helping the older DD with a puzzle. I would babysit both willingly, but if you are aware older DD is away or out, offer to give the parents a break. It sets a positive tone.

All the discussion on here about private school is a little odd, that's a choice for parents to make and fund. So there is no need for you to be involved in that at all. I will say I know many families who have made different schooling decisions for their DC as that is what was best for that DC at that time. So oldest may go to state school and youngest to private, by parental choice.

why wouldn't they be ok?

The OP would still be around for her own grand-child, and take her for sleepovers and days out

so both girls end up being treated equally by their own grand-parents?

What's wrong with that?

How many Saturday morning pancakes and other moments are you going to miss out on with your grandchild, when they stop
inviting you over, if you start making it obvious you resent time with the older one because you might have to god forbidden talk to her when she’s 10 and miss out on a magical thing your grand daughter has done.

also when it comes to childcare, how often are you going to get asked when the girls are older.

so you have a set of grandparents who can take both, or one saying I’ll only take one, where do
you think the kids are gonna go?

Are the DIL’s parents treating your GD the same as their own biological GD?

YANBU, I have 3 step grand kids and one biological.

3 step grand kids have their own Dads and 4 grandparents so although I'm happy to always buy them smaller bday and xmas gifts, I leave the buying of big presents to their own family.

Otherwise, step grand kids would end up with 3 lots of Grandparent big presents and my blood grand son would only have 2 sets which isn't fair.

Always happy to babysit (kids are great company) and would never exclude them unfairly e.g ice creams in the park etc.

It is good to draw the line early or they'll be expecting Uni fees, driving lessons, new car etc.