To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Your post sounds a bit harsh.
Be very careful though. I knew a woman years ago who was the sibling that got the most attention from grandparents over her sister.
She had a very close bond with her sister and never really forgave her grandparents for treating them differently. Your grandaughter could potentially feel the same.

exactly this.

This 💯

Let’s say it’s Easter. Grandparents buy a huge, expensive Easter egg for bio granddaughter. Maybe an Easter basket too with toys and sweets. Other child gets a token 99p Easter egg. Do you think they’re not going to notice that? Why create that situation when you could get them both a mid range Easter egg and let them be equal?

If you really must spoil your granddaughter, do it discretely. MN hates blended families but it’s no excuse to allow the children within them to feel lesser.

How do the parents have a lie in if they have a 2 year old left behind?

I hope things like birthday and Christmas presents will be similar quality. Paying school fees for one and not the other could prove a very controversial move though. Although it’s natural to not feel the automatic love you feel for a biological grandchild, if I envisage this being my son and his gf I would absolutely do everything in my power to see her as a bonus blessing, an extra grandchild. I am very fond of my son’s gf and they want to marry so I know, had she already had a child, I would fully embrace them.

YANBU. They aren’t the same, and your DIL shouldn’t expect you to pretend that they are.

Keep on as you have been doing. At least your son doesn’t have a problem with it, so you shouldn’t feel pressured into putting on an act lest you be denied a relationship with your grandchild.

I’d much rather spend that time with my granddaughter because I genuinely enjoy it, rather than make childcare for another child into something that feels like an obligation.

I'm genuinely amazed that you can be around a child for more than half their life and still feel so cold towards them.

What OP is describing is not « punishing » the 4yo, not doing the school run is not a punishment for her, it means her mum does it instead. Not having her over on a weekend morning is not a punishment, she gets to have 1-1 time with her parents instead of spending time with her step-dad’s mum.

As for the gifts, I’m pretty confident that most children even at a young age are able to comprehend that grandparents give to their own grandchildren. The 4yo has two sets of grandparents, why would she be hurt not to receive big presents from her half-sister’s grandmother? She will obviously realise that her own grandparents don’t send gifts to her half-sister either.

But helping care for family children is sometimes a chore or personally inconvenient. You are putting your own desire for it to completely suit you above a child's feelings. This is your granddaughters sister. Some of the timr they come as a package .

OP its your choice but don't think you can do it without its's being noticed and without consequences.

I think you need to be careful here.Its making it very obvious that you prefer your natural GD .The thing is this will be picked up on, your Son whose happiness is paramount will notice too.I would try and treat them equally .One child at Private one not is unfairI think .Dial down the pressies .They are a blended family now

It's not the approach I would choose. The little girl was only 2 when you met her.

Does your son treat her as his own? If so, I think you should too.

Agree that paying for private school for one and not the other would be a real problem. However, this would be the parents issue, if they were happy to send one and not the other (regardless of where the money comes from) that’s on them

She's nearly 5 and spends time abroad with her own father plus has involved grandparents on his side.

The step child's family live abroad so she is with OPs son's family most of the time which I think makes OPs behaviour even harder to understand

I think a lot depends on how much the step GD gets from her biological grandparents. A large disparity between what you give to your DGD and they give to the SGD would be awkward and not send the right message to the children. If they contribute in a manner similar to you then it wouldn't be fair to your own DGD to give to them equally.
But you are not unreasonable to feel as you do. It just has to be handled with some sensitivity and consideration for the particular circumstances.

Yanbu. For the sake of peace harmony in creating a loving bond between two sisters that will last a lifetime, I’d thread carefully.
I would keep things equal on the ground level, birthday, Christmas, school play, invest on the side for DGD. The quickest way to make two children resent each other is to treat them differently.
If you want to continue being a close part of your DGC life I’d keep your feelings to yourself.
The few great blended families that I know treat the children equally. The ones who don’t are a disaster.

I can't get over what seems like your intense dislike of spending time with a 5 year old who your son is bringing up as part of his own family.

You talk about the horror at the idea of making pancakes with a 5.y3ar old. But this is your son's child now. Regardless of other family he is also a parent to her.

How awful OP. You are making a specific point to not treat this little girl the same as your granddaughter because you have the money and time.

This little girl is already from a broken home and is now reminded as a child with a childs brain and feelings that you clearly favour her sister.

She doesn't understand the complexities of families. Since you said you can afford private school for them, why wouldn't you treat her the same and get her nice things.

Honestly you can choose to be the person who doesn't see specific bloodlines and understands she is now your family or not. In the same way your DIL is family even if she isn't blood related.

YABU.

You may find that your granddaughter won’t like you much when she realises that you treat her sister so differently. Are you prepared for that scenario and is your current attitude worth that possibility.

I can’t believe some people are suggesting OP pays for private school for step GD! I can (sort of) understand the presents if OP has the money, but to expect her to commit to thousands of pounds a year for a child that isn’t related…come on!

When your DIL leaves your son because of how his awful mother treats her eldest daughter, good luck spending any time with your granddaughter then! 🤷‍♀️ You're shooting yourself in the foot. The little girl is not a stranger - she's your granddaughter's big sister!

What happens when the baby is old enough to not want to always be separated from their big sister by you...wanta them at the park or in the kitchen near them ?

This is going to cause you issues and could create a rift in DD and her sisters relationship, or yours and your DGDs as you are allowed less time with her, not necessarily out of spite but to keep the peace at home!

I understand the feeling but think you need to reconsider how to manage it

You need to get over yourself otherwise you risk loosing them all. When your grandaughter realises you are treating her sister differently she may feel loyal to her and not want to see you. Swallow your pride and treat them the same.