To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Grim

It does make sense, thank you for answering and I am sorry, it's not right for any child to be rejected in a family unit. Kindness costs nothing.

Okay, now you’re my overseas bestie. Because you are sane, generous, and kind. Well done!

Wtf? No, you don't do anything unless it suits you. The other child has her own relatives. Leave it at that, not your responsibility and certainly don't pay for anything substantial.

She is your step granddaughter, and your granddaughter’s half sister. It’s weird to call her “DIL’s little girl”. It makes you sound very cold. I don’t think anyone can make you feel things you don’t feel but she’ll grow up feeling second best around you.

You’ve been blessed with the gift of a child in your life for whom you could make a difference and have an amazing relationship. Who cares if she has other grandparents too?

(My dad has 5 grandchildren. My daughters are his only biological. He has two step grandchildren and the fifth grandchild is my step brother’s step daughter but he’s proud of all 5, treats them the same. Deep down I know he has a special place in his heart for my two but he wouldn’t show that to the other three!)

I completely agree. We have step children and now step grandchildren in my wider family. We all tried to integrate them into the family. The step grandchildren are now fully integrated and I don't believe they have any feeling that they are in some way different. Everyone has benefited and no-one has lost.

She’s your granddaughter’s sister who came into your son’s life at 2. Do you think your son would let his daughter go to private school (assuming that was a possibility if funded by you) if her sister couldn’t? That would be awful. I can understand that future inheritances would be different but really I think such little girls should be treated fairly equally.

"I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it."

So OP is a horrible person for dropping everything and looking after her grandchild whenever asked because... She doesn't want to do the same for the older child? Honestly I think it's pretty cheeky that the parents are asking for that sort of stuff at all if they're demanding everything is on their terms.

Dd1 is almost 5 by now, so in school. If the OP takes DD2 for a morning, the older child wouldn't even be there to notice. Likewise all the presents - DD1 surely doesn't want to get a rattle or pram as a present! And by the time OP might be buying her grandchild a bike, DD1 will have had her own for years already.

To be honest I think it's a wonderful opportunity for the family. Mum and step-dad can use OP's babysitting to give them a break during the week (I would have loved that with my DC!). Then on some weekends they could get quality time with DD1, who would surely be thrilled to have their full attention without baby around.

DD1 will also go on holidays to see her dad where she'll get to spend lots of time with her own paternal grandparents, while DD2 has 121 time with the parents. So each child gets similar levels of attention and care. Why mess that up demanding a level of love that OP can't give?

Missing the point.

Indeed.
Something to consider when 'blending' families.

Hopefully elder childs father will step up and pay for private schooling then eh?

Absolutely. But how many mums would let one daughter go private and one not (unless they’d accessed an amazing grammar or something) unless there was SEND issues or similar. How could you be happy for your 2 children to have such different opportunities. Inheritance yes as that would hopefully come later when both are adults and old enough to understand.

I suppose I don’t understand why when Op is so wealthy she can offer presumably significant support for private education that she would give Stepgrandaughter a £20 birthday gift eg a puzzle while getting the other one a bike. That just seems mean. I’m assuming though that she’d see them both together at these times, I suppose it’s different if she’d never see SGD at these occasions.

How is this for the woman to sort?
There are two fathers here. If one or the other can't afford private whats the solution?
One child misses out?
One dad pays for a child that isnt his as well as his own?
No child goes?

Personally I would have no child going if I couldn’t afford to send both of my children. Would you, wouldn’t you feel really guilty and feel like you had to even it up for your first child? Talking from the Mum’s perspective not the OP’s.

And what about either of the dads’ opinion? They don’t have 2 children - perhaps they want their child to go private school? Particularly DD1 father might not want to be have his child’s prospects beholden to any further children his ex decided to have.

Your comments are all about what makes you happy. What about making other people happy? Your DIL / Son would enjoy your support in taking care of both kids. This little girl might enjoy you spending time with her - she could be part of feeding the baby, watching it crawl etc. My girls had the same age gap and adored each other; seeing them interact was a joy too. It's worth a try otherwise I think you really risk alienating your DIL, who is the mother of both children.

Going to bother returning @NotHerGranor are you not happy the thread hasn’t gone your way and so we’re all just left shouting into the void?

She’ll just see that the people who are nearby and always coming round massively favour her little sister and she’ll be hurt by that.

This. And if she's anything like my oldest DC, she'll soon start making it clear that she doesn't want to visit these people or have them in her home. And in our house, her wishes would be respected since she has good reason for them.

But how many mums would let one daughter go private and one not (unless they’d accessed an amazing grammar or something)

The girls have different fathers and therefore different extended families. The DIL is unrealistic to expect across-the-board parity. And this certainly isn’t the OP’s problem

The vote is at 55/45, so it’s hardly a landslide in either direction, so I doubt the OP has gone off to sulk?!

@PinkEasterbunnyas so often on threads, the quantitative vote doesn’t mirror the qualitative comments, with some pretty scathing views expressed towards the OP’s really uncharitable attitude.

it is because of this ill wager she will not return.

Yes, funny how so many of the posters loudly proclaiming to be loving and open-heated to any child crossing their paths are at the same time so viciously vitriolic on this thread. I don't blame OP for not engaging further, there's simply no point.

I just can't get over how cold the OP would seem if she went round to the house and made pancakes with one child while refusing to let the other one take part.
Or if she babysat one but insisted the other one was sent away for the evening, or the older one asked to go to the park too and was told no.

It's not the inheritance or school fees or even a bike that would be obvious to a 4 year old.

This makes me sad.

One of my grandmothers was my Dad’s step mum, who married his dad when my Dad was in his early 20s and who had adult children of her own.

His dad passed away before I was born. My Dad kept in touch with her, they weren’t that close, but after I was born she stepped up and was a very present and generous grandmother to me and my siblings, even though she had great grandchildren that were my age from her children, wasn’t wealthy and she lived an hour away. Her relationship with my Dad strengthened and he was really upset when she passed away.

We weren’t blood relation. She didn’t even help raise my Dad. But she was my grandmother. And I was her grand daughter.

When I read threads like these it reminds me how lucky I am that some people see beyond genetics.