To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

If her son has anything about him he wouldn’t even countenance this nonsense.

I totally get your feelings. At the moment you're imagine a life time of grandparents your precious new granddaughter.
I just want to warn you of this. Don't underestimate the sibling bond. I hope your granddaughter doesn't resent you when she's older for how you've made her sister feel. Perhaps if you love your granddaughter as much as you think you'll learn to love her sister too. Strengthen their bond because hopefully her sister relationship will outlast your grandparenting one. Leave a much more beautiful legacy than what your money bought.

I’ve not checked this thread for a couple of days and was quite surprised to come back to so many responses! I’ve read as many as I could, and there have been some interesting points raised. I actually have a little update after having a proper chat with my son about it. He sometimes rings me when he has a long drive for work, so we have long chats, and this came up this week.

He is genuinely fine with the way I see it. I’ve raised 4 children myself, and when you’re the parent, you don’t get to pick and choose. You do the school runs, early mornings, illnesses, clubs, holidays and endless meals. That’s the job. Grandparents are in a different position. If you have the time and means, you can enjoy the parts you want to help with, without having all the responsibility. I don’t think that help becomes an entitlement simply because grandparents live nearby or have plenty of time. What I genuinely enjoy is seeing my granddaughter. I adore watching her reach little milestones, feeding her new foods, reading to her, taking her out and having her for weekends. I’m also very happy to help my son and DIL when they need me: cooking dinner, holding the baby while DIL has a shower or nap if my son is at work, having her while they go out, or giving them a lie-in. None of that feels like a chore because I genuinely enjoy it and because I love my boy and want to help him.

What I don’t particularly want is regular responsibility for a child with whom I simply don’t have the same emotional relationship. I’m fond of her, I’m kind to her, she’s welcome in our home and I’m happy for her to be included in family occasions. But I don’t have the same feelings for her that I have for my granddaughter. I could make myself behave as though the relationships were identical, but I don’t see why I should. I’d rather be honest about that than take on childcare out of obligation and eventually become resentful. My son understands this completely.

My son has always been kind and affectionate towards his stepdaughter, but he has never considered himself her father or responsible for raising her. He is “Mike” to her, and that has always been clear and comfortable for everyone, including her biological father. He doesn’t exclude her, but he also doesn’t pretend the relationship is identical to the one he has with his own daughter. He doesn’t feel the same responsibility for her (financial or otherwise) as he does his own daughter.

Plenty of biological families, as I posted up thread. I know several families of more than 2 DC who have made decisions that they felt were best for each child at the time. Including schooling choices. These are not inheritance issues.

Dd's friend is also in state (with dd) whilst her 2 yrs older sister is in private. No SEN, just different children suit different schools, Friend will go private if required but everyone is happy with the set up. Very MC family so very much a choice (also the state school offering is excellent)

My son has always been kind and affectionate towards his stepdaughter, but he has never considered himself her father or responsible for raising her.
Shame on him. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

Genuinely sad about this update. Of course loving your own grandchild comes more naturally but relationships we nurture also grow into love. I think you’re missing an opportunity to forge a bigger family and strengthen your relationship with both your son and DIL.

I guess it's no surprise that a cold hearted mother raised a cold hearted son.

You can't help the way you feel, even though it is incredibly sad to read as I can't help feeling so sorry for that little girl.
But if I were you I'd tread very carefully. You risk driving a wedge between your son and DIL. She will naturally want to protect the feelings of her daughter. Theres a kind of primal protectiveness that comes into play in these situations especially after the breakdown of her previous relationship and the guilt she may carry about that. Her daughter already has to witness her sister growing up with both her parents in the home, and now this is being further highlighted by you treating her differently. They are a family unit, they come as a package I'm afraid.
If you're not careful your DIL will start resenting your son for taking your side rather than her daughter's and you might gradually find you are less welcome in their lives.
My grandmother treated me and my brother differently and my mum protected me with a quiet ferociousness that I'll never forget

I’m glad you’ve spoken to your son and that you’re on the same page.

The one creating any potential wedge would be the DIL, by virtue of her unreasonable expectations of OP.

It doesn’t sound like she’s ever been given the impression that she was marrying and having a child with someone that considered her child ‘his’, or that his family would either. It was her choice to accept her.

The reality is that while both her children are the same to her, they are not the same. They have different paternal families, and that means they will have different relationships, experiences, and opportunities as a direct result of this. That’s just the reality of blended families.

But they are the family unit, they live in the same house, they are growing up as sisters. By treating one different, one who is still a very small child and won't really understand, it will hurt her feelings, and if it hurts her feelings it will upset the DIL. Ultimately OP can do what she wants but if I was the DIL I wouldn't want her in my life if she was going to upset my daughter. I would be finding a way to limit contact whilst ensuring my baby didn't miss out on that relationship entirely. What a shame to start the role of grandmother in this way. It's not like OP is skint, she's talking about private schools, just buy them both nice gifts, it's not hard!

They aren’t a nuclear family unit. She knew this when she chose to marry OP’s son, who no more considers her oldest child his daughter than OP considers her a granddaughter. You’d think that if this was so important to her she wouldn’t have pursued a relationship that wasn’t offering her it.

I’m not sure why she’d hold OP to standards that she doesn’t hold her husband to. Whether she can afford the same for both is irrelevant. She isn’t this girl’s grandmother, and isn’t going to assume that role.

Just out of interest which comments did you actually read and find interesting since you literally haven’t changed your stance at all and are simply doubling down on your self centred position??

I posted my response earlier but now I can’t work out if you are articulating yourself really badly or are genuinely really cold (along with your son).

You and your son do not get to decide whether or not you are raising the step daughter…based on her age and exposure to who is in her life that happens automatically. What she is learning is that the man in her house and the women who rocks up throughout the week aren’t interesting in her but are interested in her sister.

my partner (I know) does not know feel the same level of love for my eldest as much as he does for our youngest (our child together) . However, there is no difference in the time and attention he gives to either. Despite having a 50/50 arrangement with her own father, my ex jokes that my eldest is more like my partners child than his. They share mannerisms, values, likes and dislikes that have resulted due to the fact my partner lives in the house with us as a family unit. I am talking as someone who is 7 years down the road.

privates schools fees/inheritance/ how much you secretly love the child are a separate issue for me. Feeling/showing like you have no interest in a young child when they can’t understand is awful from both you and your son.

i am hoping your post is coming across worse than it is, because it sounds like you are flicking an irritating fly away from your wine.

If I was DIL I would be packing my bags and leaving. I also would not be facilitating any contact between grandmother and my daughter.

Well OP, you've made it absolutely clear that you're not interested in resolving the conflict you have with your DIL about this so how on earth do you expect things to get better? Here's a hint... it won't

This. I can't see this relationship lasting. So prepare yourself for being ousted to maybe at best seeing your GDD one or two nights a year once your DIL has moved onto a man who has a better and more welcoming "step" family.

Yep, if i were the daughter in law I'd be looking to distance the relationship so my eldest didn't have to feel lesser than or unloved compared to her sister.
Grandparent could still see the baby, but DH would have to be facilitating this or it'd be when eldest wasn't around. That would ultimately mean grandparent saw their grandchild less, but protected the girls relationship and feelings.

That's not being grabby, or expecting same money to be spent on both and restricting contact out of spite. It's doing the job of a parent, protecting their child from harm.

By limiting eldest child's exposure, and making the relationship similar to the one she has with her own grandparents (e.g. sees them outside of the family unit), this should protect her.

@HisNibs I think the best way to resolve the situation would be for the OP to step back and do less childcare/meal preparation, etc. for the family. She's too available at the moment.

What do you think she should do to resolve the situation? Genuinely curious, I'm not being goady.

She could try doing the same as I do, treat them equally. In my family, we don't have step-GC or bio-GC, we have GC.

And when DD1’s grandparents favour her and don’t treat DD2 exactly the same? Do we cut them off too?

No offence but your son is embarrassing. He’s living with a child but has this detachment to such a young child? Why didn’t he get with a woman with no kids if he wasn’t down with the stepparent thing? Also siding with mum over your wife and stepdaughter, yikes.

Your son is heading for divorce and you will very rarely see your granddaughter when that happens. You can't see it yet but it's coming.