To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

She lives full time with OPs son and daughter in law. The father lives abroad and the other grandparents live a few hours away.
So she can only see them in holidays

I would love to see a man who wouldn't accept help with private school fees. The world would be a much better place if most men did indeed consider it their duty to provide for their child, but I really don't think that's the case. How many posts do we see here about men not contributing their fair share?

Leaving them something in the will is irrelevant this is about treating children who live in the same house and are part of the same family unit the same while they are in the home. So yes if there were three children you wouldn't give one a gift costing £15 and the others gifts visiting £150. Nor would you give one a cadburys cream egg while giving the others a giant Easter egg.
They children are very young and it would be obvious that they are being treated differently. That treatment stays with a child

No sensible or caring father would let their child's schooling rest on the whims of a step parent or grandparent.

I absolutely agree with you, I don't think anyone should rely on anyone else for that sort of money and the impact it could have on the children if they have to be taken out of school because the GPs decide to stop paying the fees. However I do know a lot of people who have their children's school fees paid by the grandparents.

I think all "GP's" may be "allowed" to love you, but shouldn't be forced to be GP's to children who aren't actually related to them either biologically or because of adoption. I'm not saying GP's should be rationed. OP isn't the child's GP.
If they are kind and welcoming - that's good enough.
It is parents who choose ro create blended families. They can't force their own parents to love every child they introduce. Some families become very complicated and step children come and go and are replaced by others, and never seen again. Grandparents have no control over this.

I find the whole notions of only blood relative count, each child being rationed 2 sets of grandparent so utterly f-ing bizarre...

Step children 'coming and going and being replaced'... such an odd way of looking at it. Do you not get close to you in laws then, in case that ends in divorce?

I am an auntie to my friends kids, as they are to mine - wonder what the people so focused on blood mattering feel about that!

Leaving them something in the will is irrelevant this is about treating children who live in the same house and are part of the same family unit the same while they are in the home.

I quite agree that wills are irrelevant, but to many posters they quickly become very relevant, and I do wonder what the DIL's expectations would be

As an adoptive parent, with a step grandmother (due to grandmother dying before I was born), I totally agree.
My DCs have between 1 and 4 living grandparents each, depending on how you count them and on whether we ever find their paternal birth grandparents and/or they are still alive.
They are/were close to four of those but they aren't mine and DH parents exclusively: they met and were close to birth mum's parents, of whom one has died, and my parents, ditto. DH parents died before/around the time the DCs were born and my DD, who gets her looks from her ethnic minority birth father, will probably never meet that set of GPs.
The GPs are the ones that were in their lives. My step grandmother, while not that grandmotherly, was also in my life and I wouldn't say we were close but I certainly learned from her, as a woman in a man's world of work, she married my grandfather and had my uncle later in life, and has been a minor role model for me who did similar.

There is clearly a deliberate refusal on part of OP here - ultimately, this child is being brought up by her son - in a family with his new wife and child - they are a family unit day to day. To refuse to engage in any meaninful way with that child is ludicrous.

It's got nothing to do with big ticket spending - this OP is refusing to get to know the child or include her in completely normal day to day care as a relative.

It's not normal - I have more care for my neighbours 4 year old - who I would LOVE to make pancakes with! than this OP appears to have for her sons stepchild who is growing up in his home.

I get where you're coming from but I still think you're unreasonable. The step GD isn't going every other weekend and once midweek to her dad's I assume, if he lives abroad, so she doesn't have a regular relationship with him. Small things like babysitting, making pancakes, buying gifts etc, I'd personally treat them the same, as I bet your son does; excluding the step GD would just seem mean. Surely a woman experienced from having her own children knows how to look after more than one child at a time? For bigger things like private schooling, maybe say you'll contribute the same to the step GD as her paternal GPs contribute to your blood GD (which is likely nothing). I doubt though that your DS and DIL will want to have one child privately educated and not the other. You risk destroying what is currently a good relationship with your DIL (and potentially son) if you keep this stance.

I agree that the day to day interactions between the 2 girls are important, and I don’t think (for example) showering one with gifts and the other not is acceptable. But those things are fairly easy to justify - the problems come when you escalate the scale.

Should OP, for example, refrain from buying her GD an expensive gift at all if she can’t afford to buy both girls the same? Similarly, the will situation IS relevant because it highlights that demanding both kids be the same becomes problematic at some point - everyone has their level. ‘they should both be the same’ Is a nice sentiment - and day to day pretty achievable - but there ARE differences, the two children are NOT the same to OP.

So true. Never have friends in case the friendship ends one day. Never get married, relationships can break down. Never try to include you SGD because you’ve invented a scenario where her own mum prohibits her from seeing you again with her sister.

You don’t have to love the same! But is it so hard to just include a child. This is a marriage that produced another child, not gf/bf where you think it might be temporary!

I hope the op’s son is very kind and nurturing to his step daughter. He wouldn’t have learned that from his own mother.

I was that grandchild growing up. And I had a half sibling and stepsiblings who were all blood relatives of these grandparents, and my own dad wasn’t really around much and when he was, he wasn’t exactly a good dad, and the relationship with his family wasn’t easy as a result and I didn’t fit in there either.

It really hurt and I grew up feeling like an outcast. I was the odd one out who nobody wanted - that’s certainly how it felt, anyway. It still hurts now when I think about it.

You could choose to treat her as your own - and I’m sure feelings would come with time. If adoptive parents and grandparents can manage it…?

I think you're making a big mistake. You have no idea how rewarding your relationship could be with your grand daughter's sister. Plus your granddaughter will care about her sister and if her sister says she thinks you're mean your granddaughter will dislike you too. You need to open your heart up a bit, I'm sure there's more room in there than you think

It’s not a cop out. I’ve only ever had the intention to leave money to my children, except maybe a token amount for a treat.

And no, I don’t have any step grandchildren but that makes no difference. I know how life has been for me and for my eldest son and I know that if a step child/children were part of my life, while they were in it, they would be treated exactly the same.

Edited to add - and by that I mean they would be given the same amount in terms of gifts, and time and attention, should they want it. I’m of the view that if a child comes into your family, then you do what you can to make them feel welcome, wanted and cared for. I can’t comprehend being part of a child’s life and you making them feel different, less than or othered. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was responsible for a child being unhappy or feeling unwanted.

Because you are clearly a decent person.

Op might have the money to throw around but she is lacking in the caring gene.

And yes how she feels is valid. She can’t help it. But a decent people wouldn’t want to be the cause of any child feeling inferior, left out or unloved.

I’m 45 I know the person I am. I know I’d never want a small child to feel upset or sad that I was treating them differently. There’s really no need. I am from a huge family, my mum is one of 11. I have 42 cousins, some of these are from blended families. We all just come together we’re all family, treat each other as such. I met my husbands niece when she was 2 years old, I’d never laid eyes on her before then but treated her as I would my own niece I’d known from birth. Family is family however it comes. You can build a bond. The child would love it. There’s no limit on the lovely adults/grandparents you can have in your life. I appreciate other people are different but children don’t understand, you can explain as much as you like but they will still feel a certain way when they know they’re treated differently. Kids feelings trump adults.

If you don't mind me asking @TurquoiseSloth , how did your relationship pan out with these grandparents? It sounds awful

Cruel and nasty. I would stop you seeing both my children if you treated one of my children in this way. You disgust me. When I married my husband my son was treated exactly the same as all other grandchildren, that’s how decent people behave

Of course It’s a cop out. It’s a hypothetical question: let’s say you’re not giving it to your children but directly to the grandchildren instead - would you be happy to see one of your grandchildren receiving substantially less because it will be shared between the stepgrandchildren also. As It’s a theoretical situation side-stepping it by saying oh it’ll go to my children is a cop out - because it doesn’t fit your narrative.

If the stepgrandchildren also inherit from their father’s family, they will be very well set up indeed.

i appreciate that things worked out for your son and that’s where you’re coming from, but when it’s your child involved of course you’re more invested that they receive equally. Less so when it’s not.

@HisNibs I have absolutely nothing to do with them. Well one has died (I did not attend the funeral) and one must be nearly 100 now but they’re just not a relevance to my life and my parents know better than to even mention them. I don’t think about them unless they’re mentioned, or something comes up (such as this thread) that makes me think of them. So they rarely enter my thoughts but when they do, it stings, but the hurt is really for young me rather than me as I am now, if that makes sense.

I stopped having anything at all to do with them as soon as I was old enough to make that decision. Around 12ish I suppose.

Why don't you try to build a loving relationship with the little girl?
Worst case scenario: you spend a bit more money and have to fake interest in her paintings / hobbies until it feels natural.
Best case scenario: you end up with two beloved granddaughters who'll adore you right back.

I come from a blended family but all children were treated the same by all family members, whether they were full, step or half siblings / parents / grandparents etc. Now I have a huge loving family, not the measly family I'd have had if my step-grandparents had rationed their love according to a fixed blood quantum.

Love isn't a finite resource. There's enough to go around. You can love both children. It'll probably give you an easier and happier life if you do.

It’s not even about loving them.

It’s about making sure every single child in the family feels equally cared for and cherished.

It matters. It’s easy to do.

And if you don’t do that then you’re a turd. That’s all there is to it.