To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

This eldest child has a father who is actively involved in raising her. I think he'd take great exception to anyone else assuming that unique crown.

I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

It’s irrelevant that the first child has other family.

Both children are part of a family unit, living in the same home for the majority of time and should be treated equally, IMO. Like I said I wouldn’t dream of treating a child who came into my life any differently whether they were related by blood to me.

I know plenty of families where this is the case too.

My eldest son’s biological grandmother on his dad’s side welcomed the half brother of her granddaughter (my son’s cousin) into the family and still has a grandparent/grandchild relationship with him even though his mum and dad (my son’s uncle) split up a good few years ago and he’s now 26.

My sister has lots of in-laws, are they my family too? Is her mother-in-law my MIL? Any sane person would say no. My sister can have relationships that don't overlap with me.

But when step children are involved, even with the most remote family link, MN will insist all adults treat her as an immediate blood relative.

You read it all the time “ah, she’s my sister’s hairdresser’s yoga teacher’s daughter, so she’s faaaaamily” All very, very odd

All else aside, it's cruel to arrive in the home of two very small children with a lavish gift for one and a token for another. They don't have the brain development to think that through logically - they'll just emotionally react to the hurt and unfairness.
It's a very unkind way to behave and it's also a stirring, troublemaking way to behave.

My partner is my children's step father. It became clear my children were not a priority for his parents.

We dont see them anymore.

You reap what you sow.

Are you sure you wouldn’t treat them differently? What if it was 2 kids? Or 3? Will you buy them all the same gifts, even if expensive? Will you leave them an equal share of your will, if you have one?

As a half sister I agree that my siblings are my siblings. We grew up together and I KNOW they love me as much as one another. No difference. BUT they have their own dad and grandparents. I have mine. And, I fear crucially for those calling people “sick” for pointing out the half sibling point, in fact, in family and in LAW there is a difference. For instance, the intestacy rules mean that if you die without a will your estate, if you die after your parents or issue (children)(ie you don’t have kids and your parents are dead) then your estate is distributed as follows -

1- sibling of the FULL blood
2- siblings of the HALF blood
3- grandparents…. And so on through the family.

which means for all of those bleating “there’s no difference! My sister is my sister”

actually she isn’t. If my eldest sister dies intestate (without a will) with no children, as our parents are dead, it all goes to my other sister- her FULL BLOOD sister. Regardless of the fact that she sees me as sister just as much as the other.

This stuff matters. Why do we have to pretend?

The thing is, the grandparent relationship really isn't that important, when weighed against the relationship between the two girls and the adults they share their home with. They are the day to day nuclear unit. Yes, grandparents are lovely to have, and can add hugely to children's lives, but if they end up causing more hassle than the benefits they bring, then most responsible parents will restrict contact somewhat to limit the emotional damage. So it doesn't matter how reasonable the OP thinks she is to feel the way she does, if she expresses her feelings in ways that undermine the family unit, she'll find that the children's wellbeing and relationship with each other is prioritised over her wishes.

Yes, I would. As for my will, I would leave anything I had to be shared equally between my children so that bit would be irrelevant.

My in laws have always spent the same on my eldest as they have their biological grandchildren and I would do the same.

Are you certain you want your precious gc growing up in a family seeing adults favouring different children? It's harmful to both the favoured and the disfavoured child to have that dynamic.

Your feelings are reasonable. Your actions if showing such a clear and obvious preference and disinterest are not.

Ultimately, the older child is a child of the household your ds has chosen. And she's the sister of your gc. You can do better than treating her like a stranger.

Biology is not the be all and end all of what makes a family.

Your son isn’t related to the child either.

So do you expect him to have a similar attitudes towards her that you do?

This is absolutely gross. Of course they can be sisters while having different dads. I can’t even imagine having such a narrow and rigid perspective on life that you think your own theoretical boxes about what matters get to define what is meaningful for every family and every relationship.

Or, he might be thankful that other adults in her life care for her and love her, treating her like the family member which she now is, instead of tolerating her as a barely acceptable interloper.

OP’s post was about how she treats these girls differently. One is cherished, the other is obviously not. It’s about emotion and behaviour, and relationships, not legal issues.

You are very much skipping over OP's general attitude towards the older girl, which is an extremely nasty one. I'm not referring to the monetary value of things here, and yes ofc the older girl has her own paternal grandparents, we can all read.

You are defending OP to the hills but have not offered any explanation for her quite blatant disdain for a child. She'd quite clearly prefer she wasn't there, and that's pretty horrible, however you dress it up.

Anyway it's totally irrelevant in the long term because the parents will certainly not bother organising two different babysitters every time they go out, so OP will actually end up seeing far less of her grandchild by snubbing the older one. Then she'll be back on here whining about being lonely and her family don't want her around.

As they should be.

@Thatsalineallright , what assumptions you make.
My granddaughter’s biological dad was in her life and in fact my son and daughter in law make sure she still sees him on a not infrequent basis. The last time I saw him was at one of her ballet shows he came to. The biological father gave permission for the adoption. For all of us and all decent people what is in the child’s best interest always takes precedence.

It's got nothing to do with "balancing out".

It's not about stuff , or time or number of people.

It's about ensuring that a very little child doesn't feel second best/ inferior/ unloved within the family she is living with/ being raised by/ blended in to.

Do you actually have any step grandchildren or is this theoretical?

Saying you’d leave it to your children is a bit of a cop out on your part. Presuming you stand by your claims that children should all be treated the same logically that still means you would see one of your grandchildren receive less of your estate than her cousins? While the step grandchildren may well inherit from the other side of their family also, therefore receiving more overall. Does the arrangement of treating the stepchildren all the same continue should their parents separate? Or is it a temporary situation while they remain married? What if your child remarried and another 2 or 3 stepgrandchildren are added to the mix?

I appreciate the sentiment, and there is no excuse for some of the immediate differences in attitude the OP has described - the lack of babysitting and attention for example. I also appreciate that you personally have benefited from people treating your child the same way- and of course you want them to, because they are your child.

While little things like buying presents and treating one child the same day-to-day is easy to do, there ARE differences when you scratch more deeply under the surface of family dynamics, and claiming there aren’t is very easy to do on an internet thread.

I think it also depends how much time she spends with her own GP and DD.....will DIL family treat you GD the same? ...., its always difficult and family dynamics are different for each one ...I personally treat all my SGC as I feel right for each Family x

It is your choice but it will have consequences in the future. As parents they cannot let one child see the other one vastly more favoured and I imagine as the children become more aware you will not be welcome to spend much time with them. By all means save money for your granddaughter as that is not visible to a child but don't taunt a young child with lovely gifts just for their sibling. You will reap much better relationships if you can be kind and loving and include both children.

Same this is exactly how it is in my family too. I can't understand people who are so obsessed with genetics.

Why the hell are grandparents rationed?! Like sorry but wtaf? Does it change it then if the eldest daughter loses a set of grandparents, is she now allowed to view her step grandparents as actual grandparents to get back up to her quote?!

It's like the fucking twilight zone - who actually rations the amount of people who are in your life who are allowed to love you?!

But it is different - eldest daughter has more people in her life who love her as being from separated parents... She has a bonus dad, and a bonus grandmother (even if she refuses to accept her...). Her sister doesn't have any bonus family members...

There's a massive difference between the eldest daughter getting more presents at Christmas because she has more close family relationships compared to if the youngest was getting more presents because the eldest is not loved or cared about by the shared people in her and her sisters family life who care about and love only her sister

I cannot wrap my head around not loving or caring for someone who has been in your life since they were 2 at the oldest... I would love and treat my friends kids the same as my own if I took them in... As it is they get treated the same as my biological nieces and nephew, as despite them not being 'blood' (the horror), I am as close to them!

You risk causing issues between your son and his wife here, if it starts upsetting his wife’s daughter as she grows up and she takes her daughters side.