To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I’m sure the op’s son and wife will express their disgust once they clock her miserable petty behaviour towards the older child.

This.

I highly doubt I’d they ever split and your son got new girlfriend, you’d be happy for this new woman and her parents to treat your granddaughter like this.

treat them the same. She’s an innocent child. Your son is raising her. She’s your step grandchild, not your granddaughters sister .

You're skipping over the context of those remarks. OP was talking about babysitting the girls, not just sitting politely in the living room with them while mum and dad make lunch.

Looking after a child is hard work. It makes perfect sense that OP would be willing to put in that hard work for her grandchild but not the older sibling (who has her own grandparents to take her on foreign trips etc), especially since 2 kids are at least double the effort.

Of course, then it's up to the parents to decide who they want as a babysitter or if they can be bothered organising 2 different ones, but that's a separate issue.

I think you need to treat the girls exactly the same. I get where you are coming from, but put yourself in your dil’s shoes.

I'm confused. Isn't your eldest child's grandma your in-law? You mention that you have one child who is related to her and one child who isn't, so she can't be your mum. And you say that this person treated your two kids the same.

But then you go on to say how your in-laws don't treat your eldest the same.

Someone upthread also said something confusing that I had to read three times before I could work out the family relationships. I do wish people would make them more clear! The points made are interesting but you can't understand them fully without knowing who's who.

I think it depends on the means of the other grandparents and what you’d LIKE to do for your granddaughter rather than just what you’d be asked to do.

You mention you’d be happy to pay school fees for example. Is this just something you’d be happy to do, or would you prefer it? If it is something you want for her, how would you feel if the parents said the grandparents couldn’t afford it for the other child so your granddaughter misses out? If you want to pay for tennis club and the other can’t go are you ok with that?

My situation isn’t really comparable because we have a significant age difference and never really lived together. However, my brother’s situation is very similar.
His partner has a daughter from a previous relationship and they have a two year old. Our family treats both girls as equals.
We baby sit for both, spend the same on presents on birthdays and Christmas, organise activities for both of them…
It’s unfathomable to me that someone could go out of their way to make it obvious they don’t really care for a child, a child their own son has chosen to be his family.

I think people are getting caught up in the idea of them being treated identically at all times. Obviously, the older girl has another set of family members which will have little or nothing to do with the younger child. But imo that doesn’t excuse the OPs behaviour because she is involved in the older girls life, she sees them as a family unit on a regular basis. To say she views spending time with a child who is part of her family as chore does come across as mean.

All true, but it also depends on how the older girl's father would feel about all this. Many men would not want their child's step-grandma to pay for private school for their child, or after-school clubs, as most men would consider it their duty to provide for their child and wouldn't want to take charity.

The best-case scenario would be that if the younger daughter goes private, the older one can too (but paid by her parents) and then the two girls could go together.

I'd be interested to know how well-off the oldest daughter's paternal family are, including her dad.

Absolutely not and you aren't obligated to let in-laws/ parents treat your blended family's children unequally either

It's taboo but I sympathise with you OP. I would feel exactly the same.

If DS and DiL ever split up it's unlikely you would ever see the child again.

The older child doesn’t live with her dad, so she’s so much more vulnerable to feeling left out and ostracised. I know a number of people who have blended families and the grandparents treat the children equally. Have no idea whether they secretly have different emotions about it. I imagine that they do but you would not tell from the outside that there is any difference.
I don’t think you’re gonna change your mind and despite all of the information you’re being given by people with first hand experience you seemed determined to stick to your opinion that you are completely entitled to treat the two children vastly differently.
You can’t say that you haven’t been warned!

Because he isn't her father. He's the man who married her mother.

…It’s unlikely because OP doesn’t want the girl around, absolutely.

Other than that, why are people assuming the DIL would cut all contact (if there ever was a loving relationship between the two) and spite her eldest DD?

And that also assumes DIL never allows the stepfather, who’s known the child since she was no older than two, to ever take her out again either, with her sister.

Oh yes …

Even if i felt it i would never say it or show ir. Children are precious and easy to love.
You will create a golden child scenario and potentially destroy your relationship with your son

She may not have agreed, but not she is. She can have a bit of grace, or she can damage her relationship with her husband's family.

So you realise you are being mean to your granddaughters sister right? She is part of the family as shares a parent.
You singling out a child is pretty gross.
Maybe I’m very lucky as the ‘step grandchild’ who the grandparents cared about and have never treated differently…

Actually my stepdad IS my father and has never treated me differently and my mum didn’t treat his son differently. When it comes to children you have to actually show care not the neglect that seemingly ok here.

You are going to be on here at some point because your son has gone no contact.

And your point is?

Or her own granddaughter...

Poor kid.

My eldest child’s grandma is my ex mother in law. So my ex’s mum. Despite me not being her daughter and could happily go on without ever seeing me again…she choose not to and still treats my youngest the same as her biological grandchild. In OP’s post this would be the same as her non biological grandchild’s father and his family. My ex and his family do not see my youngest in anyway comparable to their own grandchild but they do not turn up and favour one child (in front of them) and my little one is still only a baby.

my current in laws are the biological grandparents of my youngest (same as OP) and they treat my eldest in the same manner as she is describing. They ignore my eldest and she is not included/given birthday or Xmas presents. As a result we are not spending Xmas with them due how cruel (and awkward) it is. They are therefore missing out on their own grandchild’s first Xmas.

I don’t expect step grandparents to love or treat their non biological grandchild the same. However there is a level of human decency towards an innocent child.

I was merely pointing out that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed otherwise it will result in low/non contact. A decent mother is not going to allow her other child to be actively ignored and seen as a pest, especially as they are so young.

I mean, I go to colleagues houses and play with their children. I’m not about to pay for their private school anytime soon but I’d happily make pancakes with them if they wanted to.

so why is this particular relationship any different other than Dil wants it basically.

Maybe in your case .There's a hell of a lot of sisters that have nothing to do with each other through choice