To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

By that logic everyone is related to absolutely everyone.

You're absolutely siblings, but surely the 'half' bit still plays a role? Do you see her mum as your mum too? Her maternal grandparents as your grandparents? Likewise do you think of your own mum as her mum?

Or is it that you share a dad and a very loving sibling relationship but that you each still have extended relatives that don't overlap.

Ew, shame on you. My DH and I both grew up with stepfathers from young ages and both our ‘step grandparents’ treated us like their own. You’re family, don’t exclude a child because of your weird preconceived ideas of how a family should look. If I was the DIL, I’d be restricting you seeing your ‘blood’ granddaughter until you treated them both the same.

My DH and his family treated my eldest child as an equal part of their family before and after we had our child together. They did exactly the same for my Niece and Nephew during the 2 year period we fostered them. Birthdays were remembered, Xmas presents equal between the kids. They did it because they’re good people and didn’t want any of the kids to feel “less than”. Your attitude is horrible. I would have struggled to stay with a partner who would condone this. I hope for your son’s relationship, he has better emotional intelligence than you are showing. By the way my son sees his “step” grandparents as his own, and I’m sure they now enjoy the love he feels and shows them.

tHis comment sums it up perfectly.

Not really.

That's fabulous, and good for you! There more love we give and receive, the better in my book. But I'll be damned if anyone expects it of me or expects me to act falsely because of such an expectation. My affections are mine to be granted, not to be demanded at pain of excommunication. That's not love; it's the opposite, and massively damaging to boot.

DH and I don't have any DC of our own but I have 3 DC. My Mil has always accepted my DC as her own DGC even before we were married. She used to have them stay with her for a week's holiday every year because she lives by the seaside and allowing DH and I go have a week alone on a romantic holiday somewhere. A few weeks later we would all go on a family holiday together for 2 weeks. Now she is old one of my DC travels 145 miles to visit her and another travels 25 miles to visit her. They actually visit her more frequently than her biological DGC who live closer to her.

Blended families are always difficult to navigate and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to navigate this. I would regard you as a bonus grandparent and as you say you do mark her birthday with token gifts and I would say that is appropriate. I do think the child care side is more difficult to navigate as both children live in the household with your son and DIL.

I agree that actively going round to babysit only your granddaughter and not the other child is a bit off, if the consequence is that she’s ignored/left out. I also agree that perhaps big discrepancies in gifts need to be handled sensitively especially at this young age.

But overall, it’s not OP’s obligation to view the older child as exactly equal - because she isn’t and OP didn’t choose this. She didn’t marry into this arrangement. Those that insist the 2 girls should be treated the same - does that extend to OP’s will? If OP wants to gift her DGD a car at 18 must she ensure she buys 2?

If the marriage between her son and DIL breaks down, the older child is out of OP’s life. There won’t be any question about who is who then.

You're saying that because X is related to Y and Y is related to Z, then X and Z are related.

My sister has lots of in-laws, are they my family too? Is her mother-in-law my MIL? Any sane person would say no. My sister can have relationships that don't overlap with me.

I gave the example previously with my sister's godmother. She was a lovely woman who gave my sister lots of presents/attention. My godmother didn't give me as many presents. Should my sister's godmother have been expected to treat me and my sister exactly equally? No, because she was not my godmother.

No, I said the two children are related.

Always expecting more of the completely unrelated family than the one related 🙃

Not feeling the same is fine…but you need to be careful how far you go with this if you want to continue a decent relationship.
they are growing up as a family unit even if you don’t accept that. The difference with the step granddaughters father and other grandparents is that they most likely won’t be coming to the house and your GC witnessing the difference. They will grow up knowing they have different grandparents but are not having to witness it in a cruel manner. I don’t think blended families should have to give identical love, attention and money to each child. However there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed and that’s ignoring one child and giving them a puzzle for Xmas, while doting and lavishing on the other in the same house.

in a somewhat unusual situation, my eldest child’s grandma gave me the exact same present for having a baby as she did when I gave birth to her biological grandchild. She also chucked the same amount in a kickstarter bank account for my little one. She also gave me money for their first birthday to buy presents in advance as she wasn’t sure what we had and didn’t have and has said to intends to do this moving forward. The age difference between my 2 is 13 years so I don’t have the problem of one seeing the other going off to legoland while the other stays crying at home but I am completely confident my ex would put my youngest in the car and take them along too. Do they love my youngest child as much as their own- of course not.

my in laws however, despite being in my eldest child’s life since they were 7 buy neither a birthday or Xmas present, not even a card. They are frequently excluded from events/holidays/ meals out. The result, we don’t go. In the early days, I stupidly spent an Xmas at their house. My eldest watched as the other GC got presents and mine got nothing.

it’s my baby’s first Xmas coming up- guess who is not invited.

there can be some difference and it’s ok not to feel the same- but being cruel will only end up with you seeing all of them less

Maybe I misunderstood then. I took your post to mean you thought because the sisters are related, the OP should treat her granddaughter's sister like her own granddaughter.

My mum lives abroad but still manages to spoil her grandchildren.

So the older sister might well be going off on foreign holidays, coming back with exciting stories of the places she's seen and showing off the presents her grandparents got her, but god forbid OP doesn't buy her a bike??

I would view OP's post very differently if the older child didn't have her own extended family, but she does. Loving grandparents still count even if they're living in, say, Italy.

If OP were being rude or unkind, that would be unacceptable. But she can smile and give the older child a birthday present, but still not treat her exactly like her actual grandchild. That doesn't make OP "Mike's nasty mum".

I've given this example before, but what if OP was a godmother instead of a grandmother. Would you still expect her to treat both girls equally? Or would it be ok for her to give her godchild a bigger present.

I do meant that. But that’s because that’s what I’d do and what’s happened in my family. I didn’t say OP was related to the child, I said her granddaughter is.

The granddaughter is related to many people
the op wouldn’t be expected to treat as family.

Like her dad, her aunties and uncles, other children the dad has, the granny and grandad.

Because people keep saying both girls need treated the same. So no holidays abroad for older one if youngest can't go too once she's old enough to notice the difference. Youngest child isn't going to understand why her sister is away on holiday multiple times a year is she? Since the oldest child can't understand why Mike's mum doesn't buy her expensive gifts.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel how you feel, but yes you are unreasonable to show it, in gifts, time or whatever else.

However you feel, this little girl is at most 4 years old. She won’t reason that she has two other sets of grandparents elsewhere.

She’ll just see that the people who are nearby and always coming round massively favour her little sister and she’ll be hurt by that.

Prams and stuff are more a gift for the parents so that’s probably fine. But if you don’t want to pay for something significant that the kids will notice for both, then just don’t get it at all.

Absolutely. And how incredibly insulting to those who choose to adopt etc. Love is not determined by biology.

If OP were being rude or unkind, that would be unacceptable.

Yeah, OP said this about a FOUR year old girl 🙄 she sounds the bloody epitome of kindness! This actually isn't even about presents or private school fees, OP has basically admitted she can't even bring herself to be as nice to one child as the other. What a sweet old dear!

I don’t think it would actually be easy for me to treat them the same. I could make myself do it, but I don’t want spending time with a child to feel like a chore, and I don’t think it would be fair to her for me to fake enthusiasm.

No different to when dh’s nephew’s are around.

It’s a chore not fun or enjoyment. It’s fake smile and act kind. Definitely not enjoyable. Count down the minutes till they leave.

She’ll just see that the people who are nearby and always coming round massively favour her little sister and she’ll be hurt by that.

But she travels to her father's country & home several times a year, without her younger sister. Should the younger sister, who is no relation at all to her half-sister's father, also go on these trips???