To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

How is it to the detriment of the other child, who has her own set of grandparents? Are those grandparents also expected to treat both children exactly the same? They're not even the same age! My kids grandparents would often take one on an excursion and leave the other at home because they were different ages and liked different things. The only way it becomes an issue is if the DIL makes it ones.

Emotions aside, if I was the dil in this situation you would naturally see less of your granddaughter, purely because if I knew I couldn't ask my mil to have both of my children at once I'd ask my own mum to babysit instead whenever I needed childcare. Probably wouldn't bother asking one grandparent to have one child and another to have the other.
Don't know if you've considered that op.

@Mapletree1985 You have no idea how you will actually feel when the grandchildren arrive. That kind of love is beyond human will and beyond control.

Oh, give over! You sound like a romance novel - a bad one! Beyond human will and beyond control, indeed. How uber-dramatic and unhealthy!

The only scenarios I know where there isn't that closeness, involve quite feckless fathers, big age gaps and little or no contact facilitated.

What absolutely wonderful people you are, so much nicer and more virtuous than nasty old OP.

My biological was involved (when he felt like it) and I was in contact with their family and yes, we have 11 and 14 year age gaps. Similar for my kids.

The “mother” created this situation did she? So OPs son did not stick his penis inside his wife’s vagina and create the child they had together then? He is totally free of any responsibility in this scenario is he? He didn’t choose to build a life with a woman who already had a child did he not?? Absolutely hilarious 😆 of course the man is equally responsible for creating the situation and therefore navigating it by telling his mother to either treat both girls the same or sling her hook

But shes got her own loving grandparents! Its really not a cinderella situation that an unrelated woman isnt trying to be a surrogate grandma for the two she already has.

And people comparing with half sibling relationships are missing the point. A half sibling is a blood relative, just as a cousin is.

A child whos mum happened to marry your son isnt actually related to you at all.

Not all blended families are like this thankfully.

But only the mother is responsible for the effect on her own child.

What is actually wrong with you?!

So am I. When I feel emotionally tied to someone. Not because I am told I should feel/act a certain way

That poster isn’t wrong.

The mother of the existing child is the one who decided to give her child a half sibling who’s family in within the same country.

She had free will to not put her child in that situation. It was her choice to marry and have more children.

A child is only ever the responsibility of its parents. No one else. The mother chose to put her child in this situation, she could have stayed single, but she chose a relationship, and blended her child into a new family. Any negative outcomes are on her. The IL’s are never asked in advance how they feel in these posts; the person marrying in just assumes they will take on their child as if it’s their own. Then chaos ensures when nothing goes to the imaginary plan.

If the girls' mother is completely matter-of-fact and treats it as a non-issue that her children have different dads and so different grandparents, then it wouldn't be a problem.

As a child I had a godmother who almost never gave me presents. My sister had a godmother who always gave fun gifts for birthdays and Christmas. Was I jealous? A bit. But I didn't resent my sister or anyone else for the situation. I understood that my sister's godmother was just hers and my godmother was just mine. That was simply the reality of the situation. I certainly wasn't scarred for life by any of it.

I see what you mean. Sounds very reasonable.

what happens to the youngest when oldest is with her own dad? Is the dad supposed to take both girls too?

You have spotted the usual MN double standard! It’s fine for the step child’s bio family to focus on their bio child, but not the OP

The notion that human beings cannot love anyone who is not biologically related is absurd. We absolutely have capacity to love a child who is going to be a long term part of our lives. I have a “cousin” I am not related to biologically. My uncle had a relationship with her mother when she was a baby. They later separated. However I grew up knowing that baby as my cousin. I only realised she was not biologically related at age 7 or 8 when I asked my mother why our cousin called our uncle by his first name instead of dad. I am far far closer to her than many of my biological cousins. I love her dearly. OP absolutely could make a choice here to forge a lifelong bond with her step grandchild

No but it’s related to your grandchild.

Every time older child is aboard then clearly son should take the second born abroad. Equal after all.

The oldest's dad isn't a stepparent to the younger one though.

So does the younger dd get to spend time with her sister's paternal grandparents? Will she be going on all the trips abroad to visit her sister's dad? Or will, shock horror, she be treated differently?

The girls have different dads and so different grandparents. It's very straightforward unless the DIL sows bad feeling into the mix.

And granny didn’t agree to be a step granny either 🤷🏻‍♀️ she’s mums husband’s mum.

My half sister is my sister. We’re siblings even though we have different mums and never really lived together.

In this situation the children have a normal age gap and are living in the same house!