To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

What are you saying? That good grandparents are only grandparents who help the parents? (No grandparent or parent should cause friction, agree there).

EVERYONE should adapt and respect or expect they won't be invited round. Nobody should be saying it's their way or the highway as some posters are saying (DIL and son would be entitled to cut contact completely if OP doesn't treat her non-grandchild identically to her grandchild). I'm only offended by the idea that a grandchild's presence in her grandmother's life is conditional upon the mother receiving practical help from said grandmother. That does indeed offend and shock me.

It is OP who will make it so. By treating the two children differently. Do you really think they will not realise what’s going on at some point? And that the older child will not feel hurt by it? And that in turn the younger child will not feel somewhat negative towards the person who has hurt her sister??

That’s a totally different dynamic, surely you can see that?

The girls are NOT sisters. They are half sisters. That distinction matters morally, legally, ethically.

Absolutely unbelievable. I know several pairs of siblings who are biologically half, and do not take kindly to anyone pointing out that they're not full siblings. They have grown up together, shared their formative years, and consider themselves siblings just the same as full siblings. What your chillingly cold words above forget is that the siblings LOVE each other. Love. Remember that stuff?

The fact that some people focus so strongly on biology is so sickening. Hearts like shrivelled, dried-up prunes.

I bet everyone who has this attitude reads the Telegraph!

It's actually vile to say they are not sisters. They are growing up as sisters. The older one was a 4 year old and her mum who she willnhave had in her life since she was tiny herself has a baby. They grow up together. They are sisters

Unfortunately this is where the ops thinking takes her...to the view that two girls growing up in the same family are not really sisters

She hasn't missed an opportunity to have a beautiful relationship, she just doesn't want the same relationship as the one she has with her own grandchild, and I don't think that's unreasonable of her. Relationships can be beautiful in many different ways. I had a very affectionate relationship with my MIL, for example, but it wasn't the same as my relationship with my mum and it didn't need to be. I had a step-grandfather who was not my dad's dad and my relationship with him was not the same as with my "real" grandfather, and it didn't need to be.

How can they be sisters if they have different dads? Who are both active in their lives? They don't have shared experiences, other than when they're in their mother's + OP's son's house.

I can't wrap my head around this fiction people create to pretend things aren't what they are!

Well, it seems she has. And tension is coming from the DGM on the other side of the equation. Meanwhile the child is in the middle.

DiL has decided what's most important to her. Now OP will have to do likewise.

Same rubbish that is your mil is also your mum once married.

Oh wait funny how woman don’t accept that one when they get married. 🤣

People take the option of what they want not what’s real to best suit their needs.

Half sisters are sisters. I promise you that they won't feel "half" growing up together in the same house.

Part from when she spends half term, Christmas, summer abroad with her actual dad and grandparents you mean.

There’s some very confused thinking on this thread.

child A and Child B have 2 sets of grandparents each.

one set overlap as grandparents for both A and B

two sets are grandparents to one child only.

so those saying one child will be ‘left out’ are looking at it from the perspective of a single action or occasion only. Exactly like child A will be ‘left out’ on child B’s birthday, and vice versa.

But overall, in their lives, it balances out. Each child gets attention, presents and love from 2 sets of grandparents - just not at exactly the same time.

The father of child A will have contact with, take them out, buy presents for

them, all without being expected to take along child B -and everyone thinks that’s fine because child B had their own father. No-one expects fathers to treat their children’s half-siblings exactly the same. No-one says child A’s father must balance up their attention and resources equally between all siblings of child A.

But for some reason, people whose relationship with the child is one generation removed from parent are supposed to treat every child in the household identically, and pretend that ‘grandchild’ doesn’t mean anything other than ‘ any child currently living in my child’s household.’

All of which is no excuse for treating stepsiblings unkindly or unfairly - but in the absence of adoption they aren’t grandchildren for the same reason the new partner doesn’t become their father.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, this child has her own grandparents who probably do nothing for your granddaughter.

Totally this. But MN doesn’t understand this (or pretends not to understand). Common sense tends to fly out the window when step children are involved

Exactly. Those girls will feel no differently towards each other than biological sisters. They are being raised as sisters. They share parents. They are sisters and will love each other as sisters.

In fact I think the second child get the bum deal
here.

Her half sister gets duel nationality. Trips aboard frequently with her family. A second language? Fluently.

She just gets the boring uk full time

I just can’t comprehend how anyone could treat children differently like that. That poor girl is part of the family unit and it will be blindingly obvious to her that she’s less than in your eyes.

I just couldn’t do it. If any of my children have step children, that child/ren will be welcomed just the same as blood grandchildren.

I realise I’m very lucky but my step grandparents treated me as their own, as does my ‘dad’ (in fact, I haven’t seen my biological father for nearly 20 years but my dad has always been there for me). I even inherited from my ‘step’ grandma.

Similarly, my eldest son has always been treated the same as the other kids in my in law’s family, despite not being biologically related.

This is insane. I know several half-sibling families and by dint of growing up in the same house, they of course feel just the same as full sublings. There's nothing "only" about growing up in the same household - it's everything.

It’s not a matter of “showing them” in a petty way, it’s a means of providing childcare for BOTH children to an extent that the OP feels comfortable with as her DIL wants,

Right now, she’s created a difficult situation by being overly accommodating : “I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans.”

She’s set herself up as their family’s default childcare but In reality, she doesn’t really want to entertain a five-year-old and seven-month-old from 7-10 every Saturday morning, for example.

That's why I’m suggesting offering more set childcare for both children such as a date night once a week. Of course she can also be available for emergencies,

This way, there’s no sense of different treatment and the OP won’t feel that she’s being asked to do more childcare than she feels comfortable with.

You have no idea how you will actually feel when the grandchildren arrive. That kind of love is beyond human will and beyond control.

I think it is far better to be honest about the difference than try to fake it. Kids can spot a fake a mile off. The older daughter has her own set of loving grandparents so it's not as if she's getting short-changed.

The mother of these two girls created this situation, so it's really up to her to manage it in a way that benefits her kids the most. It absolutely would not benefit either of her kids to sow resentment and bitterness among them, or by "cutting off" OP for the apparently "vile" crime of preferring her own grandchild. It would be easy enough for the mother to cultivate an ethos in which DD1 has her Nonna and Grandpa and DD2 has her Granny and Gramps, and they sometimes do things with their respective relatives that's just for them, and that's okay and fine and normal and nothing to get upset about. This really isn't such a difficult situation to handle. Just be fair to everyone, and respect everyone's feelings.

You have no idea how you will actually feel when the grandchildren arrive. That kind of love is beyond human will and beyond control.

The love might be "beyond control", but the actions aren't.

Except child A will always be on the back foot because child B gets to live in a house with both of their biological parents. Therefore it is not fair and never will be. Child A never asked for her parents to separate. She did not ask for a step dad and step grandparents who treat her differently from her sister. Child A is the one who gets packed off to go stay with her dad in another country. Regardless of how much she probably loves her dad, that is still unsettling for a child. She comes back home knowing her sister got to spend lovely time with both parents while she was away.

There will always be a disparity because child B will always be the bio child in that household. OP could choose kindness here and bridge that gap for child A so that she feels like she belongs just as much as child B does.

Reading this thread, I'm so grateful afresh that I don't come from a blended family. The chances of some child somewhere in the mix being made to feel second-best are so high. And it's in their formative years, too. 😭

😂😂😂 are you mad/OP's mate?

There's a nasty old woman coming into my home, apparently hellbent on making one of my DC feel like an annoyance, or in her own words a "chore". She clearly doesn't want to even be particularly friendly to her beyond hello how are you, here's a sticker book, now go away and let me dote on my biological DGC.

If anyone treated one of my kids like that, whoever they were, then no I would have any time for them whatsoever and I wouldn't want ANY of my children being cared for by someone modelling such unpleasant behaviour.

Ffs OP doesn't have to pay for the older child to attend private school but expecting her to bog off while she bakes cookies and showers the younger one with bikes etc is pretty vile.

The older child has an actively involved dad who lives abroad! Who doesn't see the younger one! The older child spends holidays and half term and Christmas with him over there! Sure, they live in the same house some of the time, but some rules only apply to one child, some rules only apply to the other child.

This obvs wouldn't be the case if the older child had no dad, or and absent father - but that's not the case here. They even call OP's son different things.

I don't know WHY posters are ignoring all this. They are having separate lives, sometimes under the same roof. They may grow up to actually like and love each other (same as not-half siblings), but that remains to be soon. Hopefully for them, it will. But to assume this will happen to the extent of pretending the "half" doesn't exist is just gaslighting both girls.

I agree. I have two half sisters. I couldn’t possibly be closer to them or love them more if they were ‘full’ sisters.