To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

How is the older child “nothing to do with her” it’s her son’s step daughter. It’s her biological grandchild’s sister. Both kids live with her son. That child is absolutely something to do with her. Utterly ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

The word 'should' is futile here. It's not about what DiL 'should' do, or what OP should feel entitled to do. She has to work with the DiL she has, not the situation as she'd like it to be. And DiL is upset, so this needs careful handling.

I sympathise with this position. It may well be the natural order of things and OP is entitled to feel what she feels: but the chief priority here is the continuation of her relationship with her grandchild. A lot of the advice upthread just isn't conducive to preserving this relationship. Grandparents are important. Were this dyamic to break down it will be in nobody's interests: not OP's and certainly not the child's.

That MIGHT sometimes entail biting her lip because her right to spoil her own grandchild is being questioned through DiL's insistence - perhaps cheek - in insisting her other daughter should have the same. I see why this is annoying. But there is going to have to be a compromise of some sort here.

Without one, I don't see this ending well.

Op, you sound dreadful.

THIS, with bells on.

OP, if you cannot see that you're shooting yourself in the foot by treating the two girls differently, then you're a bit dim.

So, I'm going to put it bluntly: Your DIL is the boss. What she says goes, for both girls. Yes, your son is bio grandkid's dad, but he's very likely to go along with what his wife wants. She controls his access to sex. Rude, but true. And we all know how men feel about sex. Your son is not going to upset his life at home nor disrupt his access to sex in order to be on your side if your DIL kicks up a fuss about your favouritism. In a dispute over this, your son is going to support your DIL because that results in a better life for him than supporting you. If DIL decides that your presence in their lives is bad for her older daughter and is concerned that you will create a rift between her two girls, you might find yourself summarily ejected from the family.

You are not in control here. DIL is. Accept it and act accordingly.

If the dislike was rooted in a child's biological origins - a thing nobody can help and that children this young are simply not equipped to understand - then yes, I absolutely would teach them that this was nasty.

Bullying children because of their origins is simply not on.

And I'm not posting in outright condemnation of the OP at all. I simply think she needs to arrive at a compromise.

This to me is the very obvious natural course of events. It’s not about ‘controlling access to grandchildren’ but about what is easier and better for two busy parents. Why on earth would they arrange two lots of childcare?

OP, have you thought about how the conversation with your DIL will go?

No, she is his stepdaughter.

She does, and flinging the money around tracks with the type. I hate financially overbearing in-laws and parents. Helped with the wedding, helped them buy a house, buys GD lots of lovely things, willing to pay for private school. There's always a price to pay for accepting this kind of help. My husband and I always maintained our independence. We would never have accepted that level of financial help and, in fact, we would have found it insulting.

Despite the many comments suggesting op’s attitude is unfair and unkind she doesn’t seem to be taking anything on board at all. Look at her username, says it all.

I could be wrong but she sounds like someone who likes things her way or no way. Chucking money around doesn’t entitle you to anything and the childcare you are offering seems entirely based on what you want, what suits you and how you feel about the situation.

Nobody would expect you to feel a certain way, you can’t force that. But at the very least you should treat both girls the same. I doubt you will though so good luck with the family dynamics going forward.

Agreed OP comes across as awful. I feel sorry for DIL and even more so for the kids. I hope the son has a backbone and will stand up for his wife and kids when the time comes (which it definitely will)

My children have grandparents who we see every week basically and live about 2 miles from. Step grandparents to the eldest of the three.

Grandparents can be great but that doesn’t mean parents have to tolerate any old nonsense behaviour from from people who aren’t helping and who are causing friction. You adapt and respect, or expect you won’t be invited around as often.

If that offends you, maybe thats something for you to reflect on.

Years later, OP will be on here posting about her awful DIL and how controlling she is because the other grandmother gets to see the grandchild a lot more. Nothing to do with the fact that OP treats the girls differently.

I am now the child who was shunned, but by my biological family kept me at arms length actually told to hide on the floor of the car so the neighbours wouldn’t see. I had minimal contact with them. My step dads family my nan & grandad I was very close with they didn’t have much financially but spent time with me.

seems to me you are like my biological family…..just nasty. It will never be forgotten expect your grandchild to support her sister in the not so distant future. Unless you are going to buy her love mine did still disliked them.

That is one of the most selfish things a mother could do. Cut their child off from a loving grandmother just because said gran isn't acting exactly how the mum wants.

The grandparent relationship is a very important one, backed up by research (less mental health issues, better outcomes overall etc). The grandparents don't have to be perfect (just like parents don't have to be perfect), just reasonably loving and present.

The older child already has two sets of grandparents and will get all the benefits of that loving familial relationship. But you think the mum should only allow her youngest child a relationship with one side, depriving her of her parental grandparents? Pure selfishness.

I'm sorry for what you went through, but it's a completely different situation to OP's.

Some women seem to lose the plot when they become grandparents. A really weird, selfish kind of "love" on display here.

It's probably unfair, but I have an image in my mind as OP and her DH being typical Telegraph readers: Older, right-wing, bumptious, obsessed with their own lineage - because it's SO much better and more important than anyone else's - and socially conservative. Bet her DH wears lemon Argyle sweaters on the golf course! 😆

I'm sure this isn't the case, I'm just enjoying the stereotype!

Also a part of me is hoping that step-grandchild does far better at school than her precious GD. 😈 Particularly if the Golden Child gets to go to private school and Cinderella doesn't.

The girls are NOT sisters. They are half sisters. That distinction matters morally, legally, ethically. You can't pretend that people who exist don't actually exist, and that feelings and responsibilities that don't exist, should.

Each has an involved and loving-sounding father they call "dad", each has their own set of grandparents, each spends their lives partly with family members who have nothing to do with the other child. They have their own family tree, their own aunts and uncles and cousins etc. In the Venn diagram of these two children, there's only a small overlap: the DIL, because the OP's son has chosen to bring her and her child into his own personal circle (which itself only partly overlaps with his parents', siblings', extended family's etc).

It was the DIL who chose to have two children in different families. It's the DIL who has to adjust things to make that work for her children. Nobody is obliged to accommodate her. They can choose to, but the DIL has no standing to expect it by pulling the "won't anyone think of the children" card. Why didn't SHE think about the children when she chose to have two children in two different families?

And yes, it's easy to be free and easy when you have nothing to give but your affections. Nobody should be cruel to any child, ever. But there's a big gap between that and what DIL is expecting.

My step grandchildren have three Nannas, you have no idea how privileged that makes me feel. I think you've missed the opportunity to have a beautiful relationship with you sgd, I feel very sorry for you.

A sibling relationship is FAR more important for child development than a grandparent relationship. I have a sister and as I’ve already said she means absolutely everything to me, I tell her everything and she is there for me through thick and thin and vice versa. I would be totally livid if my grandparents were hurting her by leaving her out. I would ALWAYS choose my sister over my grandparents. A sister is a best friend for life.

now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

That is cruel.
Your feelings are your feelings and you can’t control them, if you feel more towards your granddaughter than your DS step daughter fair enough. However your actions of only taking one because she is your granddaughter and leaving the other young girl at home really is cruel. She is part of your sons family

A rare bit of sanity, thank you.

It's not an either or situation unless the DIL makes it so.

You’ve completely missed the point. The grandparent is being cut out - hypothetically here- because they are being selfish and treating the dc differently. It is selfish to allow and enable this behaviour at the detriment of one of the dc.

I genuinely only see this angst on mn.

In real life nobody sees their step child or step grandchild as theirs. No parent is demanding their child is treated like a non step they are just treated with kind politeness and gifts, cards on appropriate occasions.

They would babysit in emergencies for all but would tend to only take theirs for a special trip or outing. But all are invited for bbq’s and family get togethers.

Nobody fell out because nobody placed expectations or demands on someone else’s time and or money.

No step child was harmed in this situation anymore than just by simply being in a blended family to start with. The damage is already done by the nuclear family splitting. By the parents moving on and other new children arriving who get to have their mum and dad together, or by another child getting to live with their other parent full time while they only get the scraps and getting no one on one with theirs because of a new step or half.

It’s not because granny gives one child £20 and another £40. It’s not because granny sometimes takes Abigail out alone, because Sadie also gets to get go out with her granny that isn’t Abigail’s too.

It also gets damaged when children are denied access to their own families in some crazy all
or nothing making the newer children resentful of their parent and half sibling. As seen in here by mothers cut off from their now grown children.