To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I have an adult step son - I met him as an adult.

I have two children.
My set up is different - my step son does not have a mum she died.
However, my ex only has a small amount of assets and he has made it clear he only intends to leave anything to the younger one of mine (who is still in contact) if at all.

The relationship is different. I recently inherited money of a friend, she left money to me and my eldest. At the time the will was written I hadn’t met my husband or my step son. I have however taken the bequest of a named amount to my eldest, and taken the same amount out of my inheritance and matched this for my younger child and my step son.

It becomes incredibly hard if multiple parents are still alive though.

My friends husband died and she as wife inherited with her husband assuming everything would go to their young son. She has met someone with an 19 year old and her new partner is insisting my friend leave everything 50/50 to the children. Except my friends new partner has two ex wives who are both involved in the 19 year olds life and it is looking likely she will inherit from both her dad and her step dad as she is the only child. There in lies a dilemma - if my friend leaves things 50/50 her son loses out - and the moment he gets 100%.

It is very very difficult. I think you need to be very careful. My sister treated both of my two biological kids differently they were 6 and 13 when they realised and they stopped speaking to her. Tread carefully.

But your granddaughter is not living with, or spending time with your DIL’s ex or his family!

Your DIL’s daughter is living mainly with your son.

It's an entirely different situation.

(Sorry, just seen my typo, I meant "...and has grandparents of her own..." at the end.)

If nobody is owed some sort of idealised "grandparent" experience to the detriment of the actual children involved, nobody is owed some sort of idealised mother-in-law experience to the detriment of frankly anyone else involved including said mother-in-law and her granddaughter. It cuts both ways but the middle generation don't like to see it.

To me, this isn't about gifts and movie nights etc - those should be equally given, it's awful to give one child a gold plated dolls' house at Christmas and any other child (literally anyone, step or random or other) a box of chocolates. That's no way to treat children.

But it is about wanting to help pay for the best education for your grandchild; it is about spending time getting to know them (whilst feeding/babysitting) rather than just providing a childcare experience such as taking the non-grandchild to school whilst actual granddchild stays at home (something any paid babysitter could do); it is about telling your grandchild about their dad when he was little and how much she reminds you of him and how you didn't think you would love anyone like you loved him but looking at your granddaughter now you can see it fully without worrying what her step-sister sitting right there might be thinking; and it is ABSOLUTELY about feeling a duty and responsibility towards a child. Both children in this situation have grandparents to do this for them; only one is being asked to do this for someone else's grandchildren instead of or at the same time as her own. Why? Because it makes the mum's life easier.

As for those posters saying a wedge will be driven/NC is on the horizon: that's a wicked way of thinking imo. It's pure emotional blackmail: if you can't treat your non-granddaughter the same as your granddaughter, I won't let you see your granddaughter at all, perhaps wrapped up in ensuring the girls grow up as sister (so depriving a child of a loving grandparent while ensuring the older one has 4 active ones in her life - wtf?). How can anyone even think this way, let alone make out like it's an inevitability that's normal and reasonable?!

My daughters were always jealous and fighting and feeling hard done by and they had the same parents/ grandparents.

It's not particular to blended families

Sorry but I think you're being a shitty person. I totally understand that you want to spend time with your granddaughter - but treating them so differently - especially when you can easily afford to be equitable - is just not on. My partner's parents treat my kids like their grandchildren - and they are bonus grandparents. They've just stayed with us for a fortnight and it was hell on earth for me but lovely for them. For while she's younger - be better. When she's older and she can understand the dynamics differently - it won't matter as much but she's a young girl, just be decent for crying out loud.

It’s a stupid comparison and you know it. The OPs granddaughter is not living with the other family, doesn’t have a sibling there and I’d guess isn’t spending much time with them if any.

Not necessarily. Her son is an equal parent that is perfectly capable of facilitating the relationship even if his wife won’t. He doesn’t consider his stepchild to be his child, so I doubt he’s going to have any issue with his mother not considering her a grandchild.

Put yourself in the position of your son and his wife. They have a small family unit. Presumably they want the two children to be treated equally. They don't want one going to private school and the other not; one to have a pony and the other not; one to go on a nice holiday with gran and the other not. So, if you can't treat them both equally, it's likely that they won't want you treating them at all

On the other hand, think what a strong relationship you will build with your DIL if you welcome her daughter into your family. You will reap the benefits of that relationship for the rest of your life

I beg to differ. The two girls live with her son and wife - not with OP or did I miss something.

We‘re talking presents here - they can be sent. A 2 hour drive to see the Mum‘s parents isn’t that far IMO.

Your attitude will have an enormous effect on her. My step-gran did this to me growing up. My sister could do no wrong while I was just an after thought.
As an adult, I hated her and also blamed my DM for allowing it to happen.
You DS chose this little girl as well as her mum.

I don't think the sort of care you’re doing for your actual granddaughter is wrong but as they get older I wouldn’t treat them any differently, especially in terms of presents.

Not the exact same situation but my mum married a guy who never wanted to be a grandad to my kids, I don’t have any contact with my own dad, so really my kids should have two grandads on my side of the family but instead have none. Kids don’t really care about the biology, it’s about the relationship itself and I think it’s really sad for them, so ideally I’d find a grandma role you are happy with if you can.

As a GP to my sons 2 step children and his son from a previous relationship I have to say I find your attitude pretty awful . I treat them all exactly the same and actually have grown to love my 2 step Gc as much as my natural gc . You say you 'don't dislike ' this little girl which says more about you than her but you should understand that this will affect your relationship with your natural gd . If I was you DIL I would be very annoyed by you showing such blatant favoritism which would affect one of my children .

Even more reason to be concerned as there is fundamentally more delicate emotions in blended families.

Wow. Your attitude is vile and devisive. I feel embarrassed for you, how as an adult can you feel this way? Having a two year old come into the family was a blessing to you when your son and his wife first came together! Please stop this now, treat both children equally and save yourself and particularly your son a lot of upset in the future. What the other grandparents do for the younger baby is non of your business. Set the bar high, be the best person and love both children. ( And yes I am a stepmum, mum, stepgranny to a handful, and a step daughter myself. We don’t use the ‘step’ or half prefixes in our family just love them all the same)

I wouldn’t be as keen to make pancakes on a Saturday with a child I’m not related to.

Fucking hell....

Happy, emotionally secure children are more important than grandparents' feelings.

You’ve no idea how the son thinks of his step daughter. This is just based on op’s slightly biased account, and the “he’s just Mike” scenario where he’s not called Dad because the child has a biological one still on the scene.
If he’s shared her life since she was 2 years old, I certainly hope he’s had a hand in raising her, and doesn’t make such a stark distinction between the two children.

@NotHerGran
I don’t think that you are unreasonable, but it might be a good idea to consider a few things.

The thing I would bear in mind is both material gifts and opportunity discrepancies while the children are little.
If as a grandparent I had money available, as it seems you do, I understand the desire to treat grandchild with both gifts and experiences / education.
I think though that you need to accept that a blended family, which is the family your son has decided to have, is generally more complex than a traditional family and you have to weigh up aspects which you otherwise wouldn’t.
For instance, giving your biological granddaughter significantly more opportunities regarding education, holidays, and material gifts, while young will undoubtedly create different family dynamics to a family where this didn’t occur.
A mother will struggle to see these differences, and while she can do her best to explain the situation at the end of the day she will, even involuntarily, compensate the child with the least opportunity. Be that with her time, patience, thoughts, be it with keeping the interactions between those who are creating this discrepancy ( ie you the grandparents) to a minimum.
Then we have the sibling relationship to think of. While the children are small, treating children so very differently will not help in their closeness and belonging to one another or as a family. This won’t help your grandchild have a positive relationship with her sibling in the long run.

It’s a different matter if, when they are older you decide to pay for university, put a deposit down for a house, pay for an amazing holiday. You are dealing with hopefully a grandchild who has a close relationship with her sister. They will all be perfectly aware that they have different families, but will have had the chance to grow up in a relatively similar way. They won’t be harbouring envy or jealousy one with another.
At this stage you can give as much as you like and not risk ruining relationships.

I would say that spending more one on one time with biological grandchild is perfectly fine. This to a easily understandable to both children, in a similar way when older child visits father and family abroad.
However, I would keep an eye on the gift giving. Any particularly special gifts, heirlooms etc, can always be given later on in life and when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, ask your son and DIL for suggestions and accept that a less expensive, less special gift for your biological granddaughter, so that her sibling can have something similar might be , in the long run, best for everyone.

Remember, it’s the relationship you have with your family that counts, and that is hopefully a 20+ year one, not just while the grandchildren are small.

Except at every significant event in her granddaughter's life - birthdays, weddings, graduations, parties, etc. Because that step granddaughter is the sister of her grandchild.

I was thinking the same. OP may lose out when her granddaughter is a little older, and looks back at the situation as her grandparents going out of their way to treat her sister as "less than".

Whilst I don't think you're that unreasonable, if you have the money to offer school fees you can do better than a puzzle, don't think about it as the love you have for your GD v her but the love you have for your son and how you want to maintain that relationship.

It’s not about him considering her “his child”. Her not calling him dad is irrelevant, why would she if she has an involved dad already.
She’s his stepdaughter. I would hope and expect he’d treat her the same as his biological daughter. If she was 20 it’d be a different matter. But she’s not. She’s a little girl and needs to know she is loved and cherished by all the people in her life.
Id be genuinely surprised if the OPs son was happy with the way she has talked about not wanting to spend time with her etc. And if the OP carries on I’d be very surprised if it doesn’t impact her relationship with her son and grandchild.

Wow, if my kids meet someone who already has kids I will treat them the same as I would the others. I could sort of understand if the child was an older teenager when you met them but they were 2!

How much nicer for both of the girls if neither of them were favoured over each other by either side of the family.

My son got together with a lovely woman who had two young children. We felt very lucky to be so warmly included in their lives. They now have a child together, whom l also love very dearly. I would feel I was deliberately making my own life smaller if I treated the children differently. ,

In your place, I would open my heart to both of them. Love expands to fill whatever space you make for it, and your life will be far richer if you stop trying to measure it out in strictly controlled doses.

You are the one being unreasonable in comparing adoption to an ordinary step-parent relationship. Adoption is permanent and gives the legal status of a parent.