To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

You have said that your DIL is upset because you don't want to include her elder daughter when you do things with her younger daughter. At the moment you have lots of access to your grandchild but if you refuse to include her elder daughter in trips out and treats, your DIL may decide to stop inviting you into her home and letting you have lots of qualityy time with the baby. Don't forget that they are sisters and as your biological grandchild gets older, she may not appreciate the way you treat her older sister.

@NotHerGran , you're fine. You treat her well, but she's not your granddaughter. She calls your son, her stepdad, by his first name. You have no responsibilities towards her. If your son and DIL's marriage ended, you would likely rarely see her again.

Your DILs wants and expectations are hers and seem rather unreasonable. She wants you as built in childcare for her eldest as well as your grandchild.

The kids of blended families have different relationships with extended family members, that leads to having different experiences, and that's the reality. I found the majority of blended families didn't blend well at all, rather they got mangled and somebody always lost out.

If you refuse to care for her eldest, do you think she'll withdraw access to your grandchild?

I think there is a difference between your feelings and your actions. You are not unreasonable to feel the way you do, and of course you are going to feel more strongly attached to a biological granddaughter.

However, if you continue to act in the way you do, you will end up being distanced from the family and lose your good relationship with your daughter in law. I think the birthday gifts should be more similar in value and you should be willing to babysit them both sometimes, otherwise what's the point?

I agree with you OP. There is so much rubbish that is spouted on here that you should love your step children or step grandchildren as your own - of course you’re not going to! They are not your kin. It’s only natural.
And if your DS ever split up from his partner, you would likely never see the 2 year old DD again, no matter how nice you were to her. You would see your own granddaughter, however.

Only thing I would say though is as the girls grow up, they are likely to become close and also their routines will become more similar. So it’s likely you will be asked to babysit for both of them/put them both to bed etc rather than at the moment when you watch your GD while the other DD has something else going on. Also, as she grows up you will bond with her more!

She has met someone with an 19 year old - what is this need to open one's gob and blabber about one's assets? Why? Why?

@Emptyandsad What if the older DD's Dad/GP's pay for private school and a pony for her? Take her on nice holidays? Just because her Dad lives abroad doesn't mean that he's broke, he could be wealthy for all anyone knows.

That's why I agree with those saying that if the OP wants to provide financial support, give money to her son to spend on the family as he sees fit and perhaps also set up a saving account.

I have mixed views on this.

I think if you are babysitting your granddaughter to allow them an evening out, you should babysit your step grand daughter as well. It would be mean and petty to say you will look after one and not the other, especially if the point is also to allow your son and his wife some time out.

In relation to the children having different experiences, I think this is normal with step and blended families and children will be used to this.

I have a grandchild. I take them on multiple holidays a year. We are going to Florida to do Disney/Universal. When they are older, I will take them traveling around Asia and Central America.

My grandchild has younger half siblings that are unrelated to me. They all live together. neither the half siblings parents nor either set of grandparents will be likely to take these children on holiday in the UK, let alone go globe trotting with them. Do people seriously think I should take these half siblings who have nothing to do with me when I take my grandchild for days out or on holidays because it's unfair they have different experiences? I only ever see these children at the doorstep when I drop off or collect my grandchild. I don't have a relationship with them, nor do I want a relationship with them. I do always go out of my way to interact with them if they come to see what is going on, and I am always kind and pleasant to them.

This illustrates how it's normal for children of blended families to have different experiences because of different parents and grandparents who will have different means and opportunities.

Their routines will become similar? Like the ex of the now wife will take the youngest abroad as well, as his own daughter? Their routines will never become similar, the original dad is very involved.

Op’s account is the only one we have, so I’m going to take her word for it over creating a narrative based on what? What I want to be true?

She’s said her son doesn’t want to be seen as her father, and has no problem with OP not treating her the same as his actual child. That he’s shared her life since she was two doesn’t make her his child. He may love her, but that doesn’t mean he sees her as something that she isn’t to him.

If the parents broke up next week I think it’s unlikely that the granddaughter would invite the step-granddaughter to her wedding. Not impossible, obviously. They’re step-sisters, not sisters.

@Thatsalineallright , our son wasn’t her adopted father all the time.
Unkindness to children is unforgivable, the child is not deserving of it. I suspect this lady’s daughter in Law and son will see it as unforgivable.

Bravo

I went to private school and a few of my classmates had older or younger half siblings that went to state school. That isn’t unusual either.

Also, just so you can see where I'm coming from. I had a step grandma and she was bloody awful. Couldn't deal with anytime we had success, or achieved anything. Was very jealous on behalf of her "real" grandchildren and would always turn the conversation back to them. So because my sister and I were academic, she would go on about how we didn't have social skills, how her granddaughter was more well rounded right in front of everyone.

It caused a lot of tension in the family, right up to when she was in her 90s. Didn't go to her funeral.

Because they are living together and planning on getting married ?? Eh! Couples do this they talk and communicate. Especially when marrying, buying assets together etc

Be prepared that as they get older they will naturally do more things as a family with DIL parents, because her parents accept both children as equals.
I wouldn’t come to yours for Christmas morning for example to watch one child open a puzzle and another a bike.

'he would not want his step daughter excluded to the extent that granny won't even take her for an hour or two as part of a park trip or lunch' - of course, he is not her dad, he does not want to be lumbered with her in the house when his own child is taken for a walk.

They’re half sisters not step sisters. You’ve missed quite an important point, there.

I agree. It's one thing to feel the way you do but it isn't fine to make it so obvious to a five year old that she is second best. You are on you way to being side-lined if you carry on the way you're doing.

OP can do whatever she likes, but she has to remember that DS and DIL are adults who can also do whatever they like. OP may find that they decide to make alternative childcare arrangements and leave OP with a lot less time with DGD. They might be appreciative of the help, but it doesn't mean that they can't afford to pay for childcare. DH and I have never needed help with childcare, and we are not the only ones, so grandparents need to be wary of using their 'free babysitting' as leverage.

If I was DIL I would most certainly be reducing time spent with OP.

Oh don't worry, the OPs in no danger of that, she won't even entertain the idea of making pancakes with her for gods sake, that's just nasty and petty to a young child...

Because their biological parents were normal and not entitled - it is very entitled to demand love, tuition fees, equal treatment. You can expect civility, politeness, but beyond that this is massive entitlement.

I think the issue you have with this line of thinking is the difference between mothers and fathers.

I am a man and a father just FYI.

This is a huge generalisation and may not be true in this case but it is definitely the common situation.

When a family splits up the mother usually has majority custody, every other weekend fathers are still the norm for a separated family.

Assuming that is the case then the fathers grandparents probably only see the child on his weekends so there is very little cross over between your granddaughter and the paternal grandparents.

However because your granddaughter lives with her mother full time and the older child lives with her the majority of the time there is far more cross over between you and the other child.

As another poster said, you have offered to go over to your son's house to babysit your granddaughter while they have a date night, if I was the couple and you offered that I would only do it if you were going to have both kids, the maternal grandparents are the same for both kids so if I was your DiL I would just be saying no don't worry about it my mum will have them both its easier.

Ultimately you are not wrong for feeling that way and it is understandable but it will case you problems, her parents will become the go to grandparents as they are the ones who will happily have both kids and it will be easier all round. You will lose out on time with your grandaughter if you cant at least pretend.

I think the term you're looking for is "blended families", not "different families". Stop being so inflexible and buttoned-up. I have two brothers. Officially/legally they are my half-brothers, but I never think of them as that. As we grew up, their relatives were treated as my relatives, and vice-versa. If I were your DIL I would be extremely hurt by you differentiating between the two girls, and as she grows up, your GD may well, quite rightly, be upset at her big sister not being treated as well as her. This is a little girl you are ostracising. Her situation is not her fault, and ALL the adults around her should give her just as much love, attention, and material gifts as her baby sister.

I haven't RTFT, just the first 8 pages.

No-one thus far has picked up on the fact that the 5 Yr old daughter of DiL spends weeks away from home several times a year staying with her bio dad, who lives abroad.
Obviously OP's bio DGD won't be going on those trips, so it will be abundantly clear that she and DiL's DD are NOT the same.

As many other PPs have said, the other DGPs will be buying gifts for their DGD, how do they intend to treat the OP's DGD?

It's all very well creating a blended family, but how that works practically will vary from family to family.

I also agree that if OP's son divorced , OP would probably never see the DiL's DD again...