To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Dad may call.himself 'mike' but I bet he would not want his step daughter excluded to the extent that granny won't even take her for an hour or two as part of a park trip or lunch.

Anyways as others say here. You can hold your ground but the loss will end up being yours as I imagine your son and daughter and law will want to spend less time with you than if you were showing a more open heart to the other child in their family.

Oh my. This is absolutely awful. It’s a child. Your son loves the child as his own and so should you. You should not treat them differently!!! When your biological child grows she will see the difference and will wonder why you treated them differently because they have different dads. Your son won’t treat them any differently!

Awful, sorry. The age gap is so small.

It doesnt have to be exactly the same but come on.

You’re entitled to feel how you feel but it will drive a wedge between your relationship with DIL and naturally that will affect your relationship with your son and grandchild.

Posters adamant that the OP should take both girls at all time..

Before her daughter started school this year, the little girl would regularly go and stay with him for weeks at a time. He even took time off work around the birth of my granddaughter so he could take his daughter to his country and spend that time with her,

what happens to the youngest when oldest is with her own dad? Is the dad supposed to take both girls too?

They have different families, they know. Why is it a big deal?

so you'll babysit GD so parents can have a rest etc but they actually can't because you won't look after NotMyGC

@thisismeithinkorisit Yes, that's a weird one. My initial assumption was that everyone (Mum, Dad, older DD) wanted to sleep in but the baby was awake so Granny took her out for a couple of hours. But now the older DD is awake and also needs entertaining?

If the OP doesn't want to do this, it's probably best not to babysit at all in the mornings.

What if the older child catches on, OP, and refuses to 'play nice'? I have an 8yo who is quite capable of realising when someone doesn't particularly like them, and tbh I wouldn't make them be nice to that person or spend time in their company.

It could be awkward for you all if, in a few years, the older child refuses your gifts, complains when you're in their house to visit the younger child, asks audibly "when is NotHerGran leaving, because I don't like it when she's here" and refuses to visit you at your house so someone has to stay behind to babysit her. Such behaviour would usually be countered by "come on, she's your gran, she loves you, behave" but that wouldn't be possible in this case because you've made a choice not to be this child's grandparent and you don't love her. I certainly wouldn't be gaslighting my older child by expecting them to play happy families where they're not wanted.

It worries me you sound a bit used-don't want to say doormat-hope I'm misunderstanding, but you say
"I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans."
That sounds like you're putting yourself last-why should they decide everything? Fair enough if they both work FT and have literally no spare time that you can't just turn up, but it sounds like you just drop your own life on a whim, which you shouldn't, if you feel you can't even pop in without permission.
It's not fair on you, or your friends, ok my kids are only young so I'm not a grandma, but I have heard so many older women in the office complain about their friends dangling on strings, and how annoyed they get that they act like a teenager dropping mates for a boyfriend (I have heard hundreds of stories like it from them).
So prioritise you-say what you're happy with and when, and of course for emergencies, and if you can manage both kids, do it-yes people tell me blended families are messy, but it's not the kid's fault-and if you only feel happy taking one, say that.

But they are not in the bio grand-daughters life... OP IS. It is about who you have in your life and how they treat you, and there is quiet a chance they will feel something is wrong with themselves that OP can love their sister but not them!

Quite a measured take and I agree. For clarity’s sake I’d speak to your son about this. Not just being it up in passing but make it a standalone conversation.

It’s not about punishing the older child by acknowledging the blood bonds you have with your son‘s daughter. The other girl has her own family through her Dad. This is for the mother to sort out and not your problem to solve.

@NotHerGran , in my opinion you are being deeply; deeply unreasonable. Our elder son married a woman who already had a child who was about eighteen months old when they got together. He has gone on to adopt that little girl and they now have two additional children together. We have another son who also has three children. No one in our family treats the little girl who is not biologically our son’s any differently whatsoever than the other grandchildren.
To be fair in the beginning we had to make an effort to make sure we were scrupulously fair but over time (she is now eight) we have grown to genuinely love her and our son doesn’t view her any differently than his other two children. If we did treat her differently he would be really wounded and so would her mother. I think you need to consider where your behaviour could lead and that may be not seeing nearly so much of your biological grandchildren if you’re not careful. She’s just a little girl and deserves a family who love and value her not one who treat her like a cuckoo in the nest. Love can grow if you let it.

I wonder if the paternal grandparents of the older child will be offering to babysit OP’s granddaughter and treat her the same as their grandchild? It will be a big fat no.

The older child has two sets of grandparents to dote on her. She’s not orphan Annie. I fail to see why OP has to babysit the older one as well. There’s two other sets for that.

Your son might be called Mike by his stepchild and your son might understand how you feel but that doesn't change that he made the choice you dont want to: he is making pancakes with both kids, he is supervising the eldest while his DC is learning to crawl- all the things you said were precious to you and don't want to "miss", he is making work for him and IMO, He will prioritise his own wife and kid/s over you, so if you make it difficult or make it so he has to manage your feelings, then you create awkwardness and a chore and he, and consequently DGC, will see less of you to manage that.

OP the other thing to remember is this child is your granddaughter sister. She may not like to see her sister being treated differently to her.

@seahorsessky Yep, I feel the same way. The OP needs to offer up some set babysitting availability (for both children) and talk through expectations for gifts, etc. with the parents.

I think you are cruel. The child will see the difference in gifts that you give her and her sister, as she gets older. She will feel “less than”. Yes, she has other grandparents, but she also has to navigate the disadvantages of a split family. I have both types of grandchildren and I do things very differently to you.

You do you OP but you will find your access vastly reduced to your granddaughter. I’m with your dil here and you need to treat both equally or jog on. I would not want you near us as a family if you started to play favourites. You can feel however you want and no one can make you love your dils daughter but show it and you’ll suffer, I guarantee it. Your dil will withdraw from you and you’ll see much less of your granddaughter. Don’t expect to win this one and don’t think your son will stand up for you here.YABVU.

As someone who was the dil in this situation with an existing dd you are wrong. You run the risk of losing them all if you carry on like this. Your dil will resent you making the children feel different and you are essentially making her dd feel second best. If you value the relationship with your dil at all you need to treat them exactly the same and embrace the other dd as a grandchild.

Why can't people understand it's about the people who are in your life.... the paternal grandparents of the older girl are not involved in the younger sister life. OP IS.

In case no one has asked this but… Do the other sets of grandparents treat your granddaughter exactly the same as theirs?

But this is the family your son has chosen. It is what it is. Don't let your GD grow up despising the way you treated her only sister. Yes this child has her own dad, but it's not her fault he's not with her mum.

Its also not OP's 'fault' nor does she have to compensate for it

Speaking as a grandparent who rushed round with gifts when my EX DDIL's niece visited from her home country. I think your attitude towards a small child is despicable.

This...poor kid

I agree you’re not being unreasonable to feel differently @NotHerGran. I don’t quite understand it but I can see why you might feel like that. She’s been in your life since she was a toddler though, a really small child.

However, the way you treat each child is going to have a long term impact. If I was your DIL I would be worried about the older child feeling pushed out and different. This will drive a wedge I can promise you. Your son should also be concerned about this and if he isn’t then I judge him for that tbh.

Yes, she has a father and grandparents but she lives with your son. She will see her sister going off for days out with grandparents, she will be there on Xmas day when her sister gets loads of gifts and she get a puzzle. She would be the kid attending the local primary whilst her sister is at a fancy prep school.

No decent parents would allow that for their children/step-children so I really hope they don’t.

YANBU at all. If your son breaks up with his partner, you might never see your step-granddaughter again.