To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

*Why not give both girls identical value gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but put money in a savings account for your granddaughter?

If you wanted to provide extra funds towards school fees, then give it to the parents to subsidise both children, rather than say it’s only to be allocated to one.*

@Ireallycantthinkofagoodone Yes, I was also going to suggest something along those lines for financial support. It's quite possible that the older daughter's Dad/his family will also be generous towards her.

Okay I understand how you feel, you love your blood related granddaughter more.

However they are sisters and related by blood, you would be causing a lot of hurt by treating them differently, especially because of their young tender minds at this age.

I personally think if she is part of the family, then thats it, they both deserve equal treatment.

It could possibly affect their sibling relationship too when they are older, jealousy etc.

I feel a bit heartbroken for the elder daughter. She will know she is not special as she grows older. I understand in your heart it’s not the same but you really need to treat them the same. They are sisters.
I have step daughters and their children are absolutely as much my grandchildren as my own children’s children.

Absolutely agree with @NopeNotThat and @NewHere83 It seems like you are only considering the practicalities and your own feelings. Agree with the fact that the sisters most times will be bonded closer together, than the bond you and your granddaughter will have.
So if it was me I would definitely want to babysit them together and treat them equally.
Regarding gifts, I think that has to be a decision the parents make - they could decide both paternal grandparents gift a bigger present to their grandchild, and a smaller present to the step grandchild. Or all equal. But if this isn't a rule, it's only right that you buy them presents that equal the same amount. You cannot request that they do the example above, it's up to the parents decide that.
In fact the parents are the ones to decide on all of it tbh; babysitting both or just one or the other! Decisions are parent not grandparent based, so I don't understand why this is an issue.

To clarify, if there are no boundaries voiced by your son and daughter it is only fair to both girls to treat them the same. Unless you know for certainty regarding babysitting and gifts from the other grandparents - I wouldn't risk the fallout.

In the situation you've described (actively involved father who wants to spend time with his child, step-father who isn't called Dad and doesn't want to be called Dad, child spending Christmas with father's family, child going to father for weeks on end), your feelings AND your actions are reasonable and understandable.

The unfashionable truth on MN, which is largely used by the middle generation in your scenario, is that this middle generation refuses to take responsibility for its actions. So, in this case, the mother/DIL is making comments because she can't or doesn't want to accept the consequences of her broken relationship with her ex. The ins and outs of it are irrelevant (except if he'd died, in which case we'd be in a different situation entirely). The bottom line is that she's wants YOU to change your actions and behaviours towards YOUR grandchild to accommodate her child who isn't your granddchild.

That's not your job, if you don't want it. And why would you, when your own son doesn't want it either. It's awkward and raises difficult questions for your DIL, but this isn't your problem. It's hers and her ex's and your son's.

Ultimately, in this case where each child has two involved parents who love them (and presumably grandparents too), the outcome ought/could quite easily be satisfactory to everyone involved. It's needs your DIL to understand your thoughts on the dynamics and to understand how far you're prepared to go for her child with her ex. There's nothing to feel guilty about - if anything, she should be feeling guilty for potentially robbing you of those precious grandmotherly experiences by making you share them with someone who isn't your grandchild and has grandchildren of here own. You'd be the mug losing out in all this, between all the grandparents, parents and children!

The baby isn’t a part of their family unit though. It would be odd for the ex in laws to visit her home to see the granddaughter. But obviously she spends time with them in their homes. This means the relationship between the baby and the ex in laws will be minimal.

On the other hand, the op is part of the little girls ‘other family’ and is obviously going round to the house a lot, babysitting, bringing gifts. It isn’t comparable and the whataboutery is pathetic.

This isn't about bikes or private school. The op doesn't even want to spend a couple of hours treating these two the same so that mum and dad can get a lie in.

How does your DiL's parents treat your GD?
Do they give both girls the same at xmas/birthdays?
Do they look after both of them on date nights?
Sorry if it has already been asked but we are 19 pages into the thread now.

if anything, she should be feeling guilty for potentially robbing you of those precious grandmotherly experiences by making you share them with someone who isn't your grandchild and has grandchildren of here own.

What nonsense. No one is owed some sort of idealised 'grandparent' experience to the detriment of the actual children involved 🙄.

@AnonyMumAuDHD

‘WHY is OP obligated to manufacture feelings and a connection that, I assume, DiL’s ExP’s family will not be expected to reciprocate for the newborn?’

Because the older girl is living with the OP’s son - the OP’s granddaughter will not be living with, or spending time with the DIL’s ex, or any of his family.

It’s a different situation entirely.

@waterrat I think it would be better if she stopped doing so much ad hoc babysitting and offered up a date night once a week or something like that.

It could be natural and a happy way to approach things to simply enjoy the two children as sisters. Day to day

The op is trying to set up a divide where she literally doesn't have to ever do any care of the older child. That is not natural when the dad has a parental role from early childhood.

Just let go of the controlling aspect of trying to separate them out op. I dont think your grand daughter will want her big sister excluded in this way . They are going to be brought up as sisters .

The entire situation is going to become fraught unless granny accepts her son has taken on a child as his own day to day.

I do think you’re being a little unkind tbh. How about you think of it another way in that both your grandchild and SG have the same mother ? I do think it puts a different spin on it. Please don’t cut off your nose to spite your face if DIL catches on to the fact SG is not getting the same treatment she could stop you seeing them both

Same here. Had my mum's stepmother on one side, and her mother's lodger she'd inherited on the other side. I loved them both deeply, whatever I logically knew about who I was or wasn't related to, emotionally they were my grandparents.

I agree 💯
My DH was the child who hated his mum trying to force relationships with his stepfamily rather than just letting it be.
My children had a step gran who they loved, and I have no doubt she loved them. However I also had zero doubt that she loved her her granddaughter to a whole other level and had an extra special relationship with her. Just as my children also have a special relationship with my parents that isn’t shared with their half sister, my DSD.
Not everything has to be a melodrama.

But not paying for private school is not treating someone as 'lesser'. That's a very loaded word. My in-laws don't treat me exactly the same as they do their daughters. I'm not lesser, I'm different.

Ditto every relationship in my life (including my step-dad) - they're not all exactly the same but that doesn't make anyone lesser.

Demanding exactly equal treatment from everybody is bonkers. It's just not how life works.

Kindness, politeness? yes, should be expected. School fees and other financial things like inheritances? No.

Ultimately you can do what you want, obviously, and be as partial as you like. It may have consequences though, as the parents make the choice as to who's involved in the childrens' lives and who's kept at arm's length, not you.
Can't you see your step gc as a bonus grandchild, rather than an imposition?

I'm sure the DILs parents give time, attention to both children equally.

The ex-husband and his parents sound as if they're overseas?

The thing is OP, yes the elder child has her own dad and his family. But... what she does NOT have, unlike your GD, is a family where her parents are together. This will always be a disadvantage she faces, relative to your GD. She may even subconsciously resent your GD for being loved unconditionally by both parents in her home, whereas she may sense that she only really has that from her mum. In the home. Where it matters most.

It sounds that you are the local grandparent at the end of the day. You could reframe your 'problem' as potentially, you have the chance at a wonderful relationship with two little girls as a double privilege! Two for one! Why problematise the elder one for something she has no control over? The fact is, at the end of the day, she is your GD's sister and the only one she has! Are you really going to contribute to driving a wedge between them?

I think you're perfectly within your rights to not commit to school runs. This would be the case even if the elder one were your biological GD.

But nooo - you can't show up at Xmas with a bike for one and a token gift for the other. Just no!

As for private schools, of course your DS can't have one child in a private school and not the other. That's for them to work out as a family.

Anyway, sounds like by the time your biological GD starts school, the elder one will be practically secondary age. So maybe something can be worked out then.

But this is the family your son has chosen. It is what it is. Don't let your GD grow up despising the way you treated her only sister. Yes this child has her own dad, but it's not her fault he's not with her mum. Don't compound the issue. Both girls will respect you less in the long run.

so you'll babysit GD so parents can have a rest etc but they actually can't because you won't look after NotMyGC

The comparison with NMGC paternalgrandparents is non sensical. he hasn't CHOSEN to make a young child part of his family. your son did.

what happens if they have another child? will you refuse to babysit both together because you might seeing baby2 gum a strawberry whilst chikd1 is flipping a pancake or vice versa?

There is nothing wrong with both daughters growing up knowing they have different relatives. If you're kind to both of them, then that's enough.

But a lot of posters will think differently. If any child, even loosely related to your family, isn't treated like next of kin, then you're deemed to be getting it wrong. There was a ridiculous post about step cousins not being invited to Alton Towers ......

See I felt resentment as a child when I wasn't allowed a pyramid ice lolly as my brother was too young to have one

Exactly this re the gift, I buy more than that for my friend's little girl

Whilst you're perfectly entitled to feel how you feel, I think it's really sad. My mum has been with my stepdad since I was 18 months old, and honestly I'm much closer to his family than most of my biological family because they never treated me as different. I was incredibly close to my (step) grandparents who, although born pre-war and of a generation before blended families, never once treated me as different to their biological grandchildren. I can't imagine how shit it would've felt to have to visit people who treated me differently to my (half) siblings. My child is even named after their step grandparents. Family is what you make it!