To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Totally agree. If my child had another child over for a sleepover I wouldn’t think to exclude that child from treats because they’re not my biological child. Same thing here, you’re concocting ways to deliberately mentally harm a child. I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

Who says they aren’t expected to?

They’re not posting their petty meanness on MN so we can’t really say what they’re doing, can we?

I bet the op will come to love her step granddaughter anyway given time.

Blood doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t love other relatives.

Your feelings are very valid and you've expressed yourself very reasonably here. Why not just have an open conversation with you DIL and son about how you feel, and what they want. Find a way forward that works for everyone. Whatever you're all happy with will become normal for the 2 girls. The only danger of the 5 year old feeling like cinderella comes from the adults passing on their resentment and hurt. If everyone is happy with the arrangements, she'll feel love/care from all the adults in her life to the appropriate degree for each. If you're not presented as her grandma, she wouldn't expect you to fulfill that role. But instead she would feel the care like you'd feel from more extended family or family friends

The child’s father is in the picture, of course “Mike” didn’t adopt her. He’s still raising her, though, despite being Mike and not Daddy mark 2.

Well, the other grandparents aren't the ones who are here making a thread, so we can only respond to this grandparent!

But also, doesn't this come down partly to logistics? The grandparents on a non-resident parent's side would presumably see the child during the non-resident parent's contact time, so wouldn't be turning up at the main house to take the child out?

so what? The older girl will have time with her own grand-parents, and gifts from her own father and family.

It would be "favouritism" if they were siblings, and the grand-parents were only interested in one child. That's cruel. But they're not related and the older child has her own family?

There's nothing to "pick on", they know they're not family! It's like saying the younger child with "pick on" that the father of the older ones is sending his own daughter gifts. It's pretty obvious!

Threads like this make me SO THANKFUL for my in laws who would find it genuinely abhorrent to behave in this way. That little girl is your Grandaughter’s sister.

I wouldn’t be as keen to make pancakes on a Saturday with a child I’m not related to. ..... is this for real?!

I think it doesn't matter how she has come into your life. Whether she's a biological grandchild, an adopted grandchild or a step grandchild
You're lucky enough to have her in your life so embrace her

YANBU, but you'll get pasted here, I'm afraid @NotHerGran

You make some excellent, sensible, real world points

She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough.

and

I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

Do the paternal grandparents of your DiL's DD do the same for your son's DD (ie your DiL's 2nd DC) ? That is, do the parents of your DiL's ex-husband treat your son's DD the same as their son's DD?

she’s just a small child! Just be nice, it’s not hard. Yes she might have more family and her ‘own’ grandparents but she’s not got her parents together like your granddaughter, just treat them the same. A puzzle for a birthday gift is nothing if you’re not short of money (I’m guessing you’re not with saying you’d pay for private school) I buy more than a jigsaw for the children next door! You don’t need to treat them identical just as you wouldn’t full siblings but not this huge gap you’ve created.

I bet the op will come to love her step granddaughter anyway given time.

I wouldn't bank on it!

So, my point is that the children will understand, and remember, that they were treated differently by that one person, which will feel like injustice to them regardless of the sum total of all the benefits/treats they get from their respective grandparents.

Nobody gives a shit about the youngest, obviously! I love MN - it is crazy.

THIS!!!!!

These threads say it. Every time.

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest, she’s your son’s step daughter, you have time, money and no reason to not treat her as your biological grand daughter really. I had a 3 year old when I met my partner and his family treat her exactly the same as our younger daughter, despite her having two sets of grandparents. Their attitude is that my elder daughter should benefit from 3 sets of grandparents because she’s at a disadvantage not being able to live with her actual dad. Life is short, she sounds like a sweet little girl who probably already misses her daddy, treat them the same x

You are being completely disingenuous here and frankly ridiculous
So older child has to stand outside the kitchen
Is it necessary to make up silly scenario which have nothing to do with the OP?

The grand-mother makes pancakes when she has her grand-daughter with her, the older child being with her own set of the family, or wherever. Siblings are not join to the hip, one has parties, clubs and the other one is doing something else.

Why are people so grabby? It's weird. The older child has her own family!

And whatever you do, don't leave a penny in your will to your DS - he will split it 'fairly' between them. Leave it to your biological gc, bypassing your ds.

See, this is the type of excuse that’s always given for the other grand parents. When they could have a gathering at their home and include their grand child’s half or step sibling.

My mil did this. Went out of her way one Xmas to deliberately leave my two girls out and said some hurtful things in ear shot of them. My dh pulled away. Wouldn’t have her in the house again for over two years. He totally stood up for his family unit.
Her biological granddaughter has now cut her off and guess whose two picked up the pieces last time this old lady was in hospital. Yes my two.

you don’t have to spend the same or spend every Saturday with her but maybe every few times invite her and don’t make the gift giving so obvious, these are children who have no say and their advocate is their mum, whom they share and may one day decide to to say it’s both or none. You can find the compromise now and be a kind grandmother to both girls.

You can feel however you want but don’t treat them differently. Your son is married to the mother of that little girl. So they are very much a family.

My husband’s brother (died at 27) has 3 children. The oldest, a girl, is not biologically his. She was a baby when they got together. She is treated exactly the same. She is a young adult now, but has not been treated any differently than her 2 younger brothers. The time and money spent on all 3 are equal.

Oh grow up. Children don’t care about the family politics. The other child’s father lives abroad and doesn’t see as much of their grandparents as they live further away. All they are going to see is their sisters grandparent visiting, only wanting to take the younger one out and giving them token shitty gifts next to their sisters extravagant ones. They didn’t ask to be in this situation but they will feel that discrepancy.

Never mind your childish ‘whataboutery’ - the op could very easily be a decent person and not create this rift. She could approach it with an open mind and be open to the possibility of actually loving this other child too. And if she can’t manage that she could at least treat them both the same on the surface.

I sincerely hope both OPs son and her dil shoot down this behaviour sooner rather than later. Your granddaughter isn’t a little possession for you to make pancakes with and fawn over, you had your chance to do that with your own kids. She’s now part of her own family unit that you should be respectful of.

Exactly. How could she not see this simple scenario?

I’ll usually go over very early on a Saturday and take my granddaughter out for a walk or bring her back to my house so her parents can have a well deserved lie in or some 1 on 1 time with her older daughter. I will enjoy that time with my granddaughter, babbling back and forth, watching her try new foods… I wouldn’t be as keen to make pancakes on a Saturday with a child I’m not related to.

So mean spirited.

I foresee problems with DiL down the line. Which will later be painted as all DiL's fault.