To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

You may not love your dil's eldest DD and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way but don't treat the DC differently or you may end up not having access to your DD as often as you'd like. If you treat the 2 DC differently your Dil may not want you so heavily involved. If you can afford to buy both DC a bike I'd advise you do so. That way you will be more likely to get the access to your dgd that you'd like. You can well afford to be generous to your dil's eldest DD. I foster DC and they are given the same amounts of money spent on them as my own DC. I had a birthday in August and it was lovely that my foster DC had all gone out and bought me something they thought I'd like and a card just as my own DC did. If I had treated them differently do you think they would have done this? You have a bonus dgd and if you treat her kindly and will will love you back. If you only had a little money it might be ok to treat girls differently but you can afford to be generous and kind. Remember she is your dad's sister and as your dgd gets older she might not be happy for her sister to be treated less well

I don't understand why you think it's a problem that someone "understands" that they are treated differently by one person when it's not their relative.

A grand-mother is more generous with her own grand-children. Only on MN is it such a drama.

Sure, they could do. I think if they were to post an AIBU saying "AIBU to not invite my daughter's half-sister to my BBQ?" they'd probably get told they were BU, though!

I don't think that your feelings are unreasonable, but I couldn't treat children of the same family differently when it come to gifts personally. I think that they are sisters and a family unit, but it is very much up to you to decide. I do think it could be seen as divisive.

Children's gifts cost barely anything if you have money. By all means prefer your own DGD, but in order to keep your DIL sweet and protect the relationship with your DGD you should at a minimum be buying them the same level of toys (a puzzle Vs a bike is a MASSIVE difference and will be noticed and upset everyone) and babysit them together. They're sisters, they'll want to be together anyway.

Think of it as keeping their family happy so you can continue your relationship with your DGD. If you p&ss everyone off you won't have a relationship with her

I’m struggling to get my head around the issue with babysitting. As you say, your DILs family are not local so presumably can’t provide much hands on support. If you are willing to do some babysitting / childcare for them, how do you see it working logistically if you are only willing to look after your GC?
I do kind of understand the present issue as your step GC has another family, but the way you talk about “missing moments with your GC” or not knowing what to say to a 10yo, that’s just odd and pretty mean.
Saying you won’t babysit your step GC because you just don’t want to is a sure fire way of ensuring your son and DIL go LC with you. Cutting your nose off to spite your face?

This is exactly as it should be.

Exactly. Often step-children come on these threads saying they always knew their step-parents parents weren’t their grandparents and they didn’t expect to be treated the same and yet their perspective is usually ignored.

I think OP would be better off spending similar amounts on both girls but the expectation by some people that OP pay for private school for her DSGD if she pays it for her DGD is ridiculous.

You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act.

And she is family, just the same as your DIL is family - she's not blood related, but she is related by marriage.

Don't kid yourself into thinking you're giving your son and wife a break by watching your granddaughter- if that were true then you'd watch the eldest daughter too. You're doing it because you want to spend time with your granddaughter - and it's ok that you want to do that.

I'd tread carefully tbh, a certain amount of favouritism is expected and imo ok. But if these kids are living wildly different lives (one at private school, one at the local), one going to Disney while the other is shipped off to her Nans flat to watch TV etc, then you're going to drive a wedge between the girls that is not at all fair on either of them. They won't thank you for it and you may find yourself excluded as they get older.

As far as gift giving goes - I think if the elder daughter is getting additional gifts from her fathers side then it's ok to match that. But if in a couple of years one is opening an ipad Christmas morning while the other has a set of books then you're going to create a lot of bad feeling somewhere. Maybe between the girls, maybe between the eldest and you, maybe between your DIL and you. Maybe between your son and his wife. Maybe between your son and you. Maybe eventually between your granddaughter and you.
Is this something you're willing to gamble on?

There are other ways you can spend your money on her, without it becoming a thing while they're young(e.g. savings account for when she's much older to pay for uni/house deposit etc - presumably elder daughter will receive help from her Dad/Dad's side).

I don't think buying pram etc is bad though - these are necessities that your son and DIL would have to spend money on anyway. And stuff elder daughter would have had too.

Most relatives aren't chosen by us - it comes down to whether you see family as being about blood ties or emotional ties.

Absolutely, unless they divorce - DIL has experience in that department already, so only time will tell.

OP lost me at private school for one and a puzzle as a gift. Pretty soon I think DIL will cut off her access to the children. It's OK to feel that way but it's not ok to show it.

Also OP little children just love who they are near to - they haven't learned to distinguish in the way you are, it's way beyond their thinking.

I had a kind of step-grandfather - my grandmother's lodger (possible gentleman friend?) who my mother inherited. She didn't even get on with him that well, although she was dutiful.
I loved that man with all my heart, and he loved me in return. I spent hours with him each day - emotionally, he was absolutely my grandfather and I still think of him as such. He actually left his small estate to me.

Here here. We’re a blended family & all children are thankfully treated equally in terms of love, attention & birthday / Christmas presents.

My eldest was a baby when I met my now DH - and MIL doted on him - Sadly she became unwell died while my younger two (twins) were still tiny so she didn’t get to know them beyond babyhood. If she hadn’t embraced my son as her step grandson - she’d have really never experienced that grandparent / grandchild relationship.

But have you ever been in this position? It's tricky, I tell you!

If you’re willing to gamble your relationship with your son and biological granddaughter then carry on acting this way. You can have feelings and not act on them that’s being an adult.

Your posts are remarkably bitter and unpleasant.

You have a bonus grandchild - whilst you're entitled to feel as you do, I think you need to be careful about how she will end up feeling by your rejection. Please find a way of both enjoying your granddaughters and your step granddaughter.
I have 2 children who have 'bonus' grandparents. They is no biological or marriage link but just a general adoration of each other. (My children have my parents, who they are very involved with and this other couple have grandchildren too!) It is such a rewarding relationship both ways and everyone is enriched.

Because of the context of a blended family. Blended families, while I'm sure they work for many, do cause issues with children feeling "othered" or like they don't quite belong. It isn't the same thing as, for example, two school friends having a joint birthday party, and friend 1's Nan turns up with a big present for them and just a token gift for friend 2. The children are expected to fully embrace their new home, new stepparent, new stepsibling(s), and treat everyone the same. I think it's only fair, then, that the adults around them generally do the same.

Yes, but did they have money? I mean, it is easy to split £50 between all of them every now and then, no problem if they did not have real money. The OP has real money, i,e, enough to send her biological gc to a private school - this is totally different. When real assets are involved, people prioritise their own, this is normal. This is the way the world works - individuals build their own blood families, who build communities, who build villages who build towns who build countries. We are programmed to discriminate against strangers - this is the best tactic for survival.

But won't it be the same for her younger sister ( OPs granddaughter) when older ones grandparents on her dad's side do stuff for her,?

Ultimately, I wouldn't stand for my children (especially if so close in age) being treated in a way that was obviously different, and family members who did so would find that I wasn't willing to spend time with them if it could be avoided.

Your choice, OP, but the grandparent relationship isn't nearly as important as the sibling relationship or having a happy little family unit where both children (who after all will grow up together as close sisters) feel equal, cherished and valued. So I'm afraid I would ruthlessly reduce contact as much as possible with anyone who undermined those things for the welfare of both my children. Yes, loving grandparents can add to and enhance children's lives but selfish and self-centered ones who can't put the children first really don't.

How horrible. She's not just "any child in the family". She is your son's stepdaughter from 2 years old. Don't be a horrible old witch. You will cause problems in the siblings relationships too showing such rampant favouritism. What an unkind lady you are.

Again, so many 'I want's here.

'The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter.'

Sounds like your DIL may be seeing a problem here and is gently trying to encourage you to treat her 2 young children equally.

Children eventually see things for themselves. Both daughters will see the unfairness and division created for themselves in time. Both will ultimately view it as wrong. Your son and DIL may already be starting to view it that way. I would far rather be thought of and remembered as an inclusive grandmother who encouraged sibling friendship. Not someone who created division and demonstrated such clear favouritism.

As for the older child's family and what they do - who cares? It's only ourselves that we have to answer to and be content with, ultimately.

The discussion here about about human beings. Small ones with feelings. I feel very sad for your DIL's eldest child and also for your own grandchild who you are setting up to have ask you one day why you did not include her sister, and why you showed such clear favouritism for her.

You can't help how you feel, OP, but you can make sure that your feelings are never apparent to your DS's step-daughter. And it would be really nasty of you to treat her differently from his own children.

It would be really upsetting for her to do otherwise.