To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Yes, it’s funny how the other grand parents aren’t ever expected to take their grand-child’s half-sibling out for the day or to give them a gift.

That’s so kind of him, really nice to read.

In terms of stepdads: As far as I’m concerned, if a man can treat a child as his own and love it, what excuse is there for some other relative to say the child isn’t family? It’s mean and it causes rifts between siblings to treat them differently.

She is. She’s just not pretending that this girl is her grandchild or that she considers her one. She isn’t and she doesn’t. That’s very normal in blended families.

Honestly I think it depends on the dynamic and how often you will see each other - I had two sets of step-grandparents, one lot I never met and the other I came in contact with sometimes. They didn't buy me birthday presents or anything but they did send me a little gift at Christmas to go with my step-sisters and were generally kind if I ever saw them.

My own Nan saw my step-sisters more regularly so did things like give them birthday cards, Christmas presents, Easter eggs etc.

My nephew doesn't see or live with his Dad (my brother) so my Mum generally takes him out on her own but if she drops him anything off for example any Christmas treats, Easter eggs etc. then she would do the same for his two younger siblings.

I do think given the girls are half-sisters and it sounds like you will be seeing her regularly it would be best to try and make sure you're being fair when you can. Yes the older DD probably will be spoilt by her Dad's parents but presumably your grand-daughter won't be there for that whereas you will be spending more time with both girls due to the living situation - if that makes sense!

You can’t spend grandparents money and resources for them.

They didn’t marry the man/woman.

There's quite a lot of mention of actual costs, the expensive pram, the mention of possbily paying for private eduction for your grandchild in the future counterbalanced with "we do give little gifts, I'd happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday " in reference to the older sister. With that level of spending disparity it is going to be very obvious to both girls who you truly care about it. I appreciate that you feel much deeper attachment to your grandchild but her sister is a really signifcant part of her life and also a young child who will soon notice that she is not equal in your eyes. Maybe tone down the spending, after all love is not about what we materially provide, nice though it can be, it is about being a caring presence in a child's life

You’re not being unreasonable to feel differently but you absolutely should not treat them differently.

She's explicitly said she will not babysit her, she'll take the younger girl out but not the elder one, she'll buy the younger girl a bike but the elder one a puzzle, she'll pay for private school for the younger one... etc etc. It's clear favouritism that the children will absolutely pick up on.

Exactly, it was her son's choice to take on another child. Not hers. She cant be expected to feel for that child the same as she does for her own gp. That expectation is nonsense. Yes, buy her some little gifts and babysit, but she doesnt need to treat them both the same
She has another 2 sets of GPS.

I just can't visualise the pancake arrangements (other foods are available) (well, in most households they are). So older child has to stand outside the kitchen whilst you and GD enjoy the essential pancakes?

Or if you arrive to babysit GD and the older girl just happens to be there do you shout "I'm not coming in while SHE'S there!!" and stand on the drive?

It's the way you are meticulously planning to exclude the 5 year old that really shows us who you.

Oh don’t be so mean. Of course you don’t love them the same- one’s your granddaughter and one isn’t. But for the sake of harmony I would buy them the same gifts and offer to look after them both. This is the set up and they are sisters. Have a heart.

It doesn't sound like you're being in any way cruel to the little girl but I can understand how your dil feels. She wants both to be treated equally as would most parents. This little girl is just as important to your son and dil as her baby sister is . So I think you should treat them the same way ❤️

Of course your feelings are natural. However, you risk the relationship with them all if you treat them so blatantly differently, that is just the truth...

How do you know they don't.?
And they are unlikely to take the older child out for the day because the father lives abroad and the grandparents several hours away. The older child lives full time with the OPs son.
But in any case the OP wasn't asking about about how the older child's grandparents treat the younger child she was asking about how she treats the older child.

If you don't show you're capable of making decisions that centre the needs of a child, any child, over what you want, you'll find yourself trusted and wanted less by the children's parents.

It sounds like you're crazy about your granddaughter. That's lovely but you also say you'd hate to fake enthusiasm and wouldn't be as keen to make pancakes with a child you aren't related to.

My children would have found it damaging to be around you in these circumstances. Their loyalty to each other would have made your approach upsetting to them. I think you have to consider the impact on your granddaughter of being openly favoured like this by the only nearby grandparent. She could feel guilty or be left to struggle with the fallout if her sister is jealous.

It is essentially unacceptable to subject either child to an environment where one is being favoured over the other. I agree that it does seem a little unfair that this should be the case when your granddaughter's sister goes away for contact and your granddaughter doesn't. But the children's needs must be the primary consideration. You will have opportunities to spend time with you granddaughter alone when her sister is away for significant periods of time.

I would not give one child a gift without giving the other child a gift. That would be toxic.

If you're supportive of the family unit, you're indirectly taking care of your granddaughter, whether that is doing the school run so DIL can rest or whatever.

As a grandparent you have to take your lead from the children's parents. They are communicating to you what their children need. That is your cue to act. If your actions align only with your own needs and impulses, you might find your access to your granddaughter greatly restricted.

I don't think it's unnatural to feel how you feel. I also get the presents thing.

But if you think your DS and DIL are going to send one child to private school whilst the other goes elsewhere, or that it will be useful for your DIL to have you colle t one child from school but not the other, then I think you're flying in the face of reality.

YABU, and unless you can get over this you'll end up spending less time with your actual granddaughter as a result.

It's not funny at all- the two are not remotely equivalent, it's bizarre you can't see that

I wonder how your 'true' granddaughter will feel about your treatment of her sister......

I understand your feelings. But I don't understand why you, as the adult, would make the gap between them so huge when it comes to your time, your gifts and your willingness to help. Neither child asked to be born, it's not the older one's fault that she's not your son's kid.

You remind me of the Victorian times where the first born child was treated like a king and the rest of the siblings not so. My own grandmother did it with my eldest brother, he had all the time in her world, huge gifts (we didn't), passed money all the time. It's pretty shit to watch and it didn't matter how much effort we put in to our grandmother to get her approval, it never came. We ended up completely withdrawing from her and none of us visited her in the care home etc when she moved out of ours.

I didn’t say they are or aren’t.

I’m saying the other grandparents on these threads have zero expectations placed om them
with regards to their grand-child’s half-sibling.

I think you need to try and see it from the point of view of the little girl involved.

She is going to see you as a grandparent. She may understand that you're not actually her grandparent, in the same way she understands that your son isn't actually her Dad. But understanding isn't the same as feeling. You son is going to feel like a father figure to her, how can he not, he's been in her life since she was two. And you're going to feel like a Gran, whether or not you really are.

What's more, it sounds like you're likely to be the Gran she sees the most, given that you're only round the corner. You're going to fill that role of "older relative who I love", whether or not you're actually related by blood. Because kids generally love anyone who's around a lot who's nice to them.

So seeing you obviously favour her sister is going to hurt her, even if she knows you're not actually her grandparent. She's not going to see it as "I have other people who love me." She's going to see it as "This person doesn't love me as much as my sister". This isn't a situation where they're blending families when the kids are teens, so obviously you won't have the same relationship with the stepkids. This is a girl who will remember you having always been in her life.

And really, why wouldn't you want a good loving relationship with her? Blood means nothing really. You're really excited about having a grandkid, why on earth wouldn't you be excited about having two? If she loves you like a Grandma, then why can't you have that kind of relationship with her? More people loving each other is usually good thing.

The only possible downside I can see is that if your son and his wife split, you lose access to her. Which if you've built a relationship with her, would be incredibly sad. But why stop yourself having what could be an incredibly positive relationship now, for the fear that it might not last?

I hear what you're saying, but from the OP's post, it sounds like she's the grandparent who lives nearest and will therefore naturally be spending more time with the girls. So, how she treats them is inevitably going to have more influence over the family dynamic. I just think that if what the OP wants is for her granddaughter to be happy, then the best way to achieve that is by being part of a loving, warm dynamic where kindness is part of the culture in the family. IMO, upsetting her DIL unneccessarily or making her granddaughter's step-sister feel left out isn't going to achieve that.

Although you cannot help how you feel you can choose how you behave. If you carry on this very obvious favouritism towards your biological grandchild don't be surprised if your DIL pulls back from you and stops asking you to help. She is a mother to 2 kids and is unlikely to stand back and watch one bing favoured over the other. Its simply not right. I have a step niece ( I actually hate that term as she is my niece) my MIL treats her like her own grandchild. She is now an adult and they have a great bond. We treat her the same as the rest. I have a huge amount of respect for my MIL because of that.

If DS and DIL ever split, it's likely she'd have little to no contact with DIL's daughter.

I helped to care for my grandmother (my mother predeceased her). Would DIL's granddaughter be more likely to do the same for her step-grandmother, or her own grandmother?

It's important to always be kind to step grandchildren, of course, and to make them welcome at family gatherings and so on. But I'm surprised at those PPs who think it's only fair that step-grandparents should pay their school fees. Really? And if/ when the parents split, would you expect OP to keep paying school fees for a child she was no longer related to in any way and, likely after a while, no longer even knew?!

I guess if it's trivial money to them, perhaps. But there aren't many people for whom £250k in school fees is pocket money. I wonder if some of these people are the type who are sure that they'd be incredibly generous with their money if they won the lottery and give it to deserving people like themselves - three sort of thought that makes one feel generous without having any cost to it!

I think it’s extremely relevant that your son is Mike to her. He didn’t adopt her, he isn’t assuming a father role…

I would be asking how your grandchild‘s (half)sister‘s family are handling this. Is your GC a second grandchild to them? Do they treat her like their biological grandchild?

You obviously don’t have to mirror their approach. But it might still explain the mismatch between your and your DIL‘s expectations. Or it could help you explain why you aren’t treating her first DD like your own DGC…