To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

This completely. It would break my heart to do that to a child. There’s clearly a difference - the other girl’s grandparents don’t live a walk away and they might not be as generous as you are, so there will always be a visible, hurtful difference in the way they are treated. Kindly, get a grip. Your poor DIL as well having to deal with this.

Why would the son automatically want the step daughter to inherit? She will inherit (if there is any inheritance etc etc) down the lines of her two sets of grandparents, why would she for a third set?

Do you understand how awful you sound? It's ok to not feel the same way towards your step-granddaughter but you must never show it, that would be very damaging to her. If you do you will cause a rift between you and your daughter-in-law and probably your son as well. This will mean you don't see your granddaughter or you see her much less often. Also, buying them stuff and babysitting doesn't mean they owe you anything and isn't something to be used to extract what you want. Do things for the love of them not because you want something in return.

You are heading into dangerous territory, I'd be very careful if I were you.

Sure. And isn't that better than "Nana Jean always made me feel like shit because I wasn't her granddaughter" ?

How much do you want to keep a close relationship with your granddaughter?

If the difference in treatment becomes obvious as your granddaughter grows, and especially if it becomes clear to the siblings that you favour the youngest, they may choose to limit your time with your granddaughter.

Many, many people would prioritise sibling relationships and a young child not feeling left out over the feelings of a grandparent 🤷‍♀️

Do you love your biological grandchild enough to treat her sister like part of your family?

I think it is very unfair to treat biological siblings differently just because one has a different father, though I totally understand your feelings. Their relationship will be more important in their lives long term than yours with your grand daughter.

Your call. Remember this little girl will be loved by your grandchild and be a huge part of your grandchild’s life.

I like the ‘love is an action’ philosophy - it’s what you do as much as what you feel.

I’d like to think that I would enthusiastically and joyfully greet and regard the wee one as a ‘bonus’ grandchild and be delighted at my good fortune. Remember kids grow up. This is another human being you’re being privileged to get the opportunity to know and guide and love and who may well love you back. Love is a rare and precious commodity. Family is what you make it.

All the best.

The child has lived with him since she was 2 and presumably has been in his life for some time before that her father lives abroad. Presumably she calls him Mike because that's what she has always called him. What do you suggest she call him? It doesn't mean he hasn't acted as a father figure for many years.

when I’m babysitting, I’m doing it specifically to spend time with my granddaughter, so I’m not looking to take responsibility for both girls. For example, I’ll usually go over very early on a Saturday and take my granddaughter out for a walk or bring her back to my house so her parents can have a well deserved lie in or some 1 on 1 time with her older daughter.

This does seem odd to me. You can't help not having the same feelings towards them, but surely when babysitting you are also trying to help out your son, not just getting the time you want with your GD? If you're not taking both children, then you're not helping him have a lie in or couple time with his wife.

Nah you are ghastly excuse for a human to be honest

I grew up in this situation. Basically my mum met stepdad when I was 2, he was abusive and an addict but that’s another story entirely. My brother was born when I was 6. Stepdads parents spoilt him rotten from the start, would babysit him but never me and would wrap up things from around the house for me for Christmas. It hurt something rotten. I never felt accepted and I was always the outcast.

Why you’d want to do this to an innocent child I don’t know. It isn’t as if your DS met her when she was a teenager or adult, she was a toddler ffs. You should buy them equal gifts and babysit her.

How are your son and his wife supposed to go on date nights if you'll only babysit one child? Just curious about the logistics.

I don't necessarily fault you for being unwilling and/or unable to bond with this other child and wanting your own resources to go only towards your own biological grandchild. It might not be how I would do it but at least you are being honest with yourself and them about your intentions. At the same time, I think extending your ....restraint... so far that you are unwilling to even make pancakes with this other child, seems to me to go beyond mere disinterest and actively towards putting a wedge between the two children. Like, really? Pancakes? Come on.

I think that if you want your biological grandchild to grow up with an intact family, i.e. if you want your DIL to NOT become a future ex-wife with whom your son has to share custody (hence, necessarily, decreasing both your time with your grandchild and your grandchild's future outcomes) then it would be in your interests to, at least some of the time, include your DIL's other child, to ensure that your DIL is happy in the marriage and feels her other child is valued and included. This doesn't mean you're going to have to pay for private school for this other child (although I'd suggest you be prepared that any pressure for your bio grandchild to go to private school at your expense will probably be met with resentment if the other child cannot also afford to attend private school on your DIL's salary). But it does mean you might have to (I know this is awful for you to think about) include the other child in a few activities like (checks notes) making pancakes.

Presumably your granddaughter doesn’t live with or spend any time with DIL’s daughter’s father. So it’s hardly the same as you treating a child who lives with and is legally related to your son differently to your actual granddaughter.

Bare in mind that the 'package' was chosen by OPs son, not OP

That "package" produced her beloved grandchild though. Who is also the sister of the "package".

So what. Her son made this choice and now she has to be a decent human being and buy an innocent child some nice gifts for Christmas and babysit her. This is her grandchild’s sibling, not a stranger’s child.

What has your DIL actually said? What exactly is she unhappy about?

Wow.... What about the inheritance - if my dc is stupid enough to marry somebody with a child - do I give half to the rando child as well? Plus the rando child will get 2 more sets of inheritances from other grandparents? So it is normal to disadvantage your own just to virtue-signal and be woke?

So when the older kid goes out with her dad or grandparents, and gets gifts from them, they all need to treat the younger one the same, right.? Or else it's unfair and divisive?

No. This only works one way, right? Younger girls needs to share her grandparents, older one gets extra

I think YANBU to feel how you feel.

Perhaps you could manage it by dialling back what you spend on your granddaughter. So don’t get the fancy bike, let her parents get it. That way you can spend similar amounts of both children.

Also, when your DIL asks you to take DSD as well, you could genuinely say that you can’t manage both kids together, especially baby being so young and needs watching.

I do think it’s interesting how women are always co-opted into caring for step-children and not men.

If you were a man, no one would be expecting you take DSD for the day or overnight.

I’m mixed as I would treat them the same, and view the 4yo as a bonus grandchild … love isn’t finite there’s enough to go around.

however, that’s me and I understand that it’s not what you want to do… Are the other grandparents of 4yo child in a good financial situation? Will they spoil her too… not just financially but with time?

unfortunately if the 4yo is getting less than your DGD, and it’s really apparent, then mum will be unhappy, regardless of whether that’s fair in your opinion

its down to your son to discuss with his wife (hopefully without landing you in it) re expectations… that 4yo will go on holidays to her dads that you dgd won’t go on, she will get presents from her extended family that dgd won’t … it’s how their life as a blended family is going to be. and they need to find a solution that works for them. Whatever they want, if you want a good relationship with them, I suggest you go with it

obviously, but the OP is not doing that at all?

She's welcoming, buying presents, including her with snacks, little gifts.
The little girl knows it's not her grand-mother!

I don't know a single child who feels like shit because he's getting gifts and treats from someone not related to them 😂

I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

as long as the older childs dad buys your granddaughter the same and takes her on holiday etc

ion the expectation for you to do it is set - then it must be set for him and his parents to d the same for your new granddaughter

Oh I know - really good of her isn't it. Poor girl - she can forget about making pancakes or having help with her homework though, no chance

@NotHerGran I was sort of the little 4/5 year old girl in this situation. My step grandmother had lots of her own biological grandchildren already and then my 3 younger siblings when they came along. She really, really embraced me though and never made me feel ‘less than’. I was treated exactly the same as all the other grandchildren and that meant the world to me and I especially appreciated it as I got older. She often used to have me to stay for some 1 on 1 time, or take me out for the day.

I get you might want some 1 on 1 time with your granddaughter, however if you have the time why don’t you try having some 1 on 1 time with your step grandchild too, try and develop a bond. 4/5 is a lovely age and a perfect stage for some fun activities. You might find you actually enjoy her company the more time you spend with her.

Money obviously isn’t an issue, if you are offering to help with school fees etc (I’m not suggesting you do this for your step grandchild) so why does there have to be such a noticeable disparity when it comes to birthday/Christmas presents etc. I’m not suggesting you should write her into your will etc, however I do think at such a young age not singling her out gift wise would be kinder and in the scheme of things isn’t going to hurt you. Maybe start a savings account for your granddaughter instead. Personally I think one child receiving a bike at Christmas and the other gets a jigsaw is a little mean and frankly unkind. This little girl is part of your wider family now, try and embrace it.