To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

So the older girl is 4. That’s still so little! You’ve got a lifetime (hopefully) of happy memories to make with these little girls so I don’t know why you’re already pre-empting missing special time with your biological GD because you’re doing something with the older one, and so on. Private school issue aside (that’s totally different) I am really surprised by the need to ensure that you don’t try and have a lovely relationship with this child who has been in your life for half of her life. If you live 10 mins walk away, her own family a few hours away and her ‘hands on’ dad overseas (so query how hands on he’ll be in the future), in her eyes you probably are akin to a grandparent and she will be so confused about why you don’t seem to like her if you’re buying gifts all the time for the baby and wanting to spend time only with her. It’s a life altering experience becoming a sister and probably more so in step families, add in her own father moving overseas, so anything you can do to make her feel accepted, loved and secure (even if you don’t feel it) will only be seen as a positive. I think your actions now will really shape your future relationship with GD. We have blended families on both sides (my parent and my ILs) and all grandchildren are treated the same, why wouldn’t they be, they’re children :)

I’m sure this woman’s expectations regarding her dh’s relationship with her daughter are quite high?
“Just Mike” makes him sound like some random who occasionally drops by for coffee, rather than the child’s stepfather who doesn’t call him Dad because her actual Dad is still in her life.
Do you think he makes a distinction between the girls?

sounds like it would be very painful and very difficult for OP to try as she wouldn't want to have her pancake making time interrupted by some other dudes child.

How you feel is one thing, how you behave is another. I think your attitude stinks.

The more you post the worse you sound. Especially the part about ‘he’s simply Mike to her’. If she’s been living almost full time with him since she was two, bar a few weeks a year when she’s abroad, I’d hope that he’s much more involved with her than you’re implying or I feel very sorry for the little girl.

Telling you what you should or shouldn't feel is a waste of time. You feel how you feel. But you do say you love your grandchild and want a relationship with her. In that case you need to tread carefully. A large discrepancy - such as one child at private school and the other not (or funded by other means) - is going to create division within their family. That's wrong. (Private education isn't necessarily better, BTW).

You sound as though you are treading a fine line already in trying to be fair and not exclude the other child. But whatever the ethics, your DiL is upset. That requires caution. You don't owe them childcare, but if the terms are not working there may need to be compromise. If your DiL is suggesting that you should buy expensive gifts for her daughter, then this of course is unreasonable. But I'd perhaps try to narrow the discrepancy so it's less conspicuously obvious. You could also, out of courtesy, consult with your own DGD's parents about what gifts they would like you to give. Of course you might bridle at this, citing a grandparent's right to indulge their own grandchildren. But think of the real gift you'd be giving the child you love. You would be preserving your relationship with her and helping to make her own home secure by doing nothing to create divisions within it. There is no price tag that could ever be attached to this.

You're not wrong to feel what you feel. You just need to be very careful how you act on it. I would not risk my relationship with my son and granddaughter, even at the cost of making some minor adjustments that might make you want to curl your lip at the time.

If this becomes a battle, then I'm afraid it's one you can't win.

You are aware that once the other little girls starts noticing it is more than likely that your dil/son will probably stop letting you look after your granddaughter rather having the other little girl get upset.

This could end badly for you op - you could end up seeing a lot less of your granddaughter.

This sounds like you want your grand daughter on her own (ie with out her parents there) so you can play mummy again / doting granny. And you are framing this as you helping the parents by taking the youngest for a bit. The parents have said no, or can't you have both, and you're now making this the DIL's problem, and not your son's. They've limited access to your granddaughter.

Of course, if you dont buck up, it will be limited a lot more, and it will be BOTH the parent's choice, not just evil DIL.

She may have two other sets of grandparents but as your bio GD gets older she will see how differently you treat her to her sister. The other grandparents live further away you are 10 minutes away and are willing to help, but to say it’s on,y for your bio GD is just so wrong

personally I would be telling my parenst if you can’t treat them both the same then you get no time with either

It goes some small way to ‘fairness’. Helps balance that youngest gets to grow up with both her parents and eldest has separated parents and all the extra complications that come with life in two homes. Younger child does not have to contend with all that.

I don't think children see it that way. They don't tot up the total value of all the gifts they get across a calendar year. They remember specific injustices.

I can also guarantee they remember things like "Nana Jean never treated us differently" vs "Nana Jean never really accepted Emily."

Her dad lives abroad. There is no mention of where his parents are, just that they are involved too.

From one step gran to another…..

I have 2 step grand children age 12 & 9 and 2 birth grandchildren age 4 & 4 months. They all have the same mum, my son is father to the 2 younger ones and the 2 older ones have different dads.

You need to be seen to be treating them all the same whether it’s emotionally , physically or financially. If you don’t this might spectacularly backfire on you.

As someone said previously, your daughter in law came as a package and it’s your daughter in law that holds all the cards!

Yes agree re: the school thing. The OP shouldn’t feel remotely obliged to pay for private school for the older daughter but she should also reasonably see that the parents are not going to accept the money for the youngest daughter to go unless they can also fund the oldest, or unless the oldest’s father is wanting to pay. That’s just not going to happen and it would be totally unfair from the son and DIL’s perspective (how the OP feels is surely irrelevant).

It’s not about what the OP wants, it’s just about his son and the son’s wife being able to raise two girls in a fair and equal way.

Also how hard would it be to produce more than a puzzle at Christmas? Children don’t know how much things cost (I don’t personally feel the need to spend the exact same amount on my DC) so again, the OP shouldn’t feel obliged to spend the same on them both at all.. just don’t make it so obvious. Buy the oldest a decent present.

I agree.

Yes she is not blood related and you don't have to feel/treat the same at all, that is don't to you but I feel it really says alot your character.

They live in the same house and your son if their Dad, even though it's a step dad. Does you son treat them differently?

“My son is simply “Mike” to her. He isn’t her dad, doesn’t want to be called Dad, and her biological dad doesn’t want that either.“

Yes, I do think he makes a distinction between the child that is his daughter and the child that isn’t. It doesn’t sound like he’s ever acted as this girl’s father, or that his wife expects him to.

They're being treated as second best by you.

You might want to think about how your biological grandchild will feel towards you in future if you don't treat her sister as well. You're fostering future unhappiness unnecessarily.

How you feel might not be under your control, but how you act and how you display those feelings certainly is.

I think you are being unkind and also setting yourself up for a lot of problems in the future. Do you really want to be the one encouraging a wedge to be driven between the two little girls?

How do you think it will look when they are teenagers and you buy huge gifts for one and not the other?

You actually sound quite selfish. You don't do childcare to help out your son and DIL at all, it's all because you enjoy seeing your grandchild - as soon as it's a chore, you don't want to know. It's not a great attitude at all.

I don't think they are suggesting that, they are suggesting she shouldn't pay for either.
No responsible parent would allow a grandparent to pay for private school for one child and not the other

@NotHerGran lol at your username ! I understand where you are coming from
but unfortunately this is the issue with blended families.
Can I ask, have you thought ahead re inheritance? Will you be leaving it to
your son (who presumably would want his step daughter to inherit) or would you bypass and go straight to the grandkids.

This.

The op sounds incredibly self obsessed.

How bloody difficult is it, if you buy one a little dress to not buy the other? it’s really not complicated or expensive.

You are trying to prove a point and you come across as cruel.

Everyone understands that your bond may be closer to the younger child, but that’s not an excuse to demonstrably make it extremely obvious.

The younger girl will grow up adoring her older sister and will understand that you deliberately go out your way to highlight how little her big sister means to you. She will be conscious of not wanting to upset her sister or her mother and will pull away from you. Doesn’t matter what you buy her or how much you spend, it will make her feel awful and that it causes family divisions. She will grow up resenting you for it. So go ahead, you’re the one that misses out. Miss out on a close relationship with DIL, SGC and GC and even your DS.

or, more accurately, "Nana Jean was so welcoming, friendly and generous with me, when I wasn't even her grand-daughter."

And this is just the start - prepare yourselves for 2 sets of school fees (you said you would chip in for your biological gd), basically 2 sets of everything.
If you don't play by your crazy DIL's rules, you will be denied your time with your biological grandchild.
In the end, your biological gd will miss on private school, horse riding, anything that your DIL won't be able to afford for her own child. Your ds will totally bend to the will of his wife and when he spent everything 50-50 on his real child and her child, he will be told 'please don't walk me down the isle, my real dad will do it'.

Am I projecting? Naaa, nae chance. I am recounting a story of my now SIL - my stupid brother dumped his wife and ran off with a mistress who had a 13-year old child (girl) by another man, they are now married and have a boy of their own.

And no, you are not wrong not to feel the same. You can't fight biology.