Am I too sensitive in arguments? Do I need to get some resilience? DH making me cry

[Whatsitallabouteh]

my husband screamed at me last night after me asking for a plan on debt repayments (that he hid from me for 3 years). I asked nicely and calmly. He started shouting at me, saying I wasn’t being compassionate, I was calling him weak and not a man, and that I wasn’t helpful.

i tried to say that I was helping by being proactive and helping with a plan (he says to me when I am stressed that I need to problem solve so I was helping him do this). He’d also asked for my help 4 days ago and so I was following up - I’d sent him a draft plan and was asking what his thoughts were.

he was screaming and I was trying not to cry. When I asked him to stop shouting he said he couldn’t be bothered arguing and “he needed space and to fuck off”. He spent the night playing video games and didn’t speak to me. He didn’t speak to me this morning and just left for work. I then got a text “am I picking you up from work?”

I struggle so much when he’s like this, so angry and doesn’t care I am crying when he shouts. I also struggle with him snapping back to “normal” and not addressing the issue at hand or how he spoke to me. Am I being too sensitive? Or should I just learn that adults get angry sometimes and shout? Should I learn more resilience?

No i think his behaviour is bananas and if he does this regularly you should ltb

He was screaming at you? What is wrong with him? And he has debt?

Do you want to stay married to this prince?

I think you need a new husband. This has nothing to do with resilience and everything to do with how he uses anger as a weapon to stop you asking reasonable questions.

You’ve got much bigger problems than the odd shouty arguments, it seems.

You picked a bad one. But it’s ok because you can divorce him for any reason. So divorce him. Sometimes we make mistakes, but we do not need to live with them. This marriage and this man were mistakes. Time to correct that.

Sounds like he’s not bringing anything good to your life!

Running up debts and then making you cry are not the actions of a good husband and partner.

I wouldn't let a stranger yell at me and make me cry, so I definitely wouldn't let someone who "loved" me do it either.
If you think therapy may help, and he would engage, maybe give that a try.
Otherwise I'd be getting my self ready to go solo.

He's projecting on to you because he knows deep down what an inadequate twat he is. Don't accept it, this isn't yours to bear. You're not too sensitive at all.

Oh come on OP. He's a fucking loser and you know it. Make a plan to get rid of him, not one to sort his debt.

Nobody should be screaming at you or saying fuck off, or blanking you. No-one needs resilience to deal with that behaviour because the behaviour is not acceptable. Adults take responsibility for their own emotions and it sounds like your husband should be addressing his own behaviour.

After your post, I’m wondering what the good points are and why you want to be with them.

Jesus, no of course you're not too sensitive. What's wrong with him. Do you want to stay tied to him because he doesn't sound very nice.

What you described isn’t “normal anger,” it’s verbal aggression. You asked calmly about something important, especially since he hid the debt for years and had already asked for your help. His shouting, blaming you, and telling you to “fuck off” isn’t a healthy response, and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.

You’re not his verbal punch bag, and you’re not being too sensitive. Adults can get stressed, but stress doesn’t justify shouting at a partner, especially when they’re crying. That’s not resilience you need — that’s him needing to learn how to communicate without being abusive.

It might help to ask yourself whether this pattern is something you’re willing to live with long-term. Someone who hides problems and then lashes out when confronted isn’t dealing with stress well, and it’s not fair that you’re the one absorbing the fallout.

You deserve honesty, respect, and emotional safety in your relationship.

Too sensitive? Is he crazy?

OP, has he tied you to this debt? I would be looking at Experian or similar to check my credit score.

And then I'd tell him it's over. Bad enough he's hidden debt, but treating you in such a disgusting manner is just the cherry on the cake.

You know very well that's not normal. You can come and ask for help straight about abusive DH. And you should because you do need it.
Thiscan be helpful to start
womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

He’s obviously messing with you psychologically on purpose OP. Setting you tasks and then screaming at you for doing them. Basically setting you up to fall so he can abuse you and teach you a lesson. Eventually he hopes you’ll learn that bringing up his debt leads to screaming so you never bring it up and you let him play video games and ignore it and you never bring up your stress or feelings to him.

Divorce him.

You don’t need resilience you need a divorce

I used to cry at any and all conflict. I then discovered quiet rage, and it seems to serve me far better.
DH is manipulating you into letting this drop, or making you seem unreasonable for trying to sort it. If he cannot have a decent conversation with you, would he rather have it with a lawyer/mediator/trusted friend? This needs to be sorted one way or another and running off to play video games is cowardly.

You are being unreasonable by staying with this man.

The book 'the verbally abusive relationship ' by patricia evans really helped me see that this type of behaviour from my (now ex) husband was unacceptable.
Yeah it's not on, he's being verbally and emotionally abusive to you and also deflecting blame onto you to avoid sorting the debt situation.
The snapping back to normal and acting like nothing has happened is classic abusive behaviour and part of the cycle of abuse. Women's Aid helped me start to understand. Also recommend 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft.
It's not you, it's him, and relationship counselling doesn't work in situations like this as he won't change (although counselling can helo you get clarity)
Good luck!

Seriously? You are seriously worried that you may be bring unreasonable?

This is abuse.

@Whatsitallabouteh so he brought this problem to you 4 days ago, for you to help him. Then he kicked off yelling when you tried to. It sounds as though he doesn’t want to face it and just wants you to deal with it OR he didn’t like your plan and possibly you were shoving it down his throat as the only option and gave no room for discussion.

After him shouting and then sulking off to play video games all night and then blanking you in the morning, I’m leaning towards thinking he’s very immature, which probably led to the debt problem in the first place, and that he’d like for you to completely take over and let him know once it’s done - he’s treating you like a PA not his wife.

Whatever his reason for kicking off when he’s brought this stress to you, is unacceptable.

I’d consider giving him the heave ho if he’s not willing to engage like an adult and work together.

Leave this shit show, you don't need it.

This is domestic abuse. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, bullying, punishment with stonewalling. Financial abuse if these debts are in your name or both of your names.
no one deserves this.
contact women’s aid.
make a plan for divorce.

Unless you're missing a key bit of context he's a squealing prick and you should dump him

You’ve been too resilient. Was there a lot of volatility and conflict in your house growing up, and you were led to believe you were being oversensitive?

Your DH is behaving appallingly. Unfortunately when someone is this reactive and self-centred and defensive, they will never acknowledge that they are behaving appallingly - it’s always someone else’s fault.

I’m sorry you are having to live with this from him. As others have said, it is time to start thinking about the practicalities of separation.