Am I too sensitive in arguments? Do I need to get some resilience? DH making me cry

[Whatsitallabouteh]

my husband screamed at me last night after me asking for a plan on debt repayments (that he hid from me for 3 years). I asked nicely and calmly. He started shouting at me, saying I wasn’t being compassionate, I was calling him weak and not a man, and that I wasn’t helpful.

i tried to say that I was helping by being proactive and helping with a plan (he says to me when I am stressed that I need to problem solve so I was helping him do this). He’d also asked for my help 4 days ago and so I was following up - I’d sent him a draft plan and was asking what his thoughts were.

he was screaming and I was trying not to cry. When I asked him to stop shouting he said he couldn’t be bothered arguing and “he needed space and to fuck off”. He spent the night playing video games and didn’t speak to me. He didn’t speak to me this morning and just left for work. I then got a text “am I picking you up from work?”

I struggle so much when he’s like this, so angry and doesn’t care I am crying when he shouts. I also struggle with him snapping back to “normal” and not addressing the issue at hand or how he spoke to me. Am I being too sensitive? Or should I just learn that adults get angry sometimes and shout? Should I learn more resilience?

Partnership is NOT expecting someone else to ask no questions. Partnership is NOT screaming at someone because you don't like what they're saying.

Partnership is being open with each other about important things like finances. Partnership is working together respectfully to sort out life problems and mistakes as they arise.

In 16 years my husband has never once screamed or shouted at me. I have cried in frustration with odd argument we may have had, but he has never "made" me cry. A basic level of respect should exist regardless of how angry you are with each other in the moment.

Crying is response to someone screaming at you is normal. Screaming at someone is not.

This is not your fault. No one should have to put up with the behaviour you're experiencing. Don't let him make you feel like you're the problem, because you're not. Sending love ♥️

Partners do not scream at the ppl they love, make them cry and not give a shit about it. This dude is abusive, leaving aside the lying and financial stuff. He's not going to change OP.....

It’s not a partnership if the money is always going one way.

You're gaslighting yourself saying you're too sensitive when someone who is meant to love you is screaming at you and making you pay for everything, asking you to help solve his problems then throwing it back in your face for trying. It's not ok and it's not normal.

Honestly, if anything you're not sensitive enough, because he would be long gone from your life if you realized how unfair and unkind he is being.

I wonder if he gaslights you, says you are too sensitive, need to be more resilient etc? Where is that inner voice coming from?

Just ignore his texts until he apologies. Make your own way home from work and don't depend on him for anything from now on. Let him sort his own mess out. He sounds very entitled so do not put up with it.

He’s embarrassed, stressed and angry about his debt and he’s taking it out on you. What a loser.

What’s your housing situation OP? I’d advise checking all your financial stuff and start planning to split. He will never change, sorry.

But don’t tell him!

You do need more resilience but the resilience you need is not to tolerate the way your husband is behaving.

And if that breaks your marriage, then it wasn't much of a marriage to start with.

Please say you don't have children with him

Please, please start making plans to leave this abusive millstone.

Surely you can see how much better off you would be without him?

What ages are you both?

Do you have children?

Do you have family?

Where is his money going being spent on

This is unacceptable and you deserve better

It's not a partnership if the help is all one way, i.e. from you to him. Why did you need to bail him out with £10k? What did he spend it on?

What is your financial situation? Do you both work? Do you have children? I would be re-thinking my marriage but it would obviously more difficult if you have children together.

He sounds pretty nasty and very ungrateful.

No you don’t need resilience you need to get rid of this awful man.

Most people would want to cry if someone started screaming at them, it’s aggressive and abusive. When it’s someone who purports to love you, it’s even worse. He’s an abusive bastard and you need to reconsider the marriage rather than your resilience.

Tell him to go fuck himself... he sounds like a bully.

ditch him and do better for yourself.

So to him, marriage means bailing him out financially, asking for your help, verbally abusing you, not acknowledging his abuse and gaming.

I'm trying to find a way to phrase this gently, but it's a hard thing to say. He doesn't love you. He's an abuser. He's using you.

Your life would be much better without him chick.

Nothing to do with your resilience, as others have said. Money can be an emotive topic but your partner should be able to have a rational conversation about it without shouting.

Basically though, if a couple are not on the same page on how they spend and save it's a dealbreaker.

My husband has never shouted at me

No, no, no. People who accuse other people of being too sensitive are abusers. You are entitled to any emotion that you feel. This man who is sadly your DH is abusing you. He had secret debts that he was hiding from you, that’s a big red flag. Has he told you what the money was spent on? Now you are trying to help him and he is “screaming” at you another red flag. Screaming and shouting will turn to pushing, punching, striking. He is checking whether you still want him to pick you up because if you do he will see that as acceptance of his behaviour. The more of this you accept, the more you’re going to get. Perhaps you are still in the relationship because he has destroyed your self esteem. You do not deserve to be treated like this. I really hope you leave him. There are many support services available the national helpline for domestic abuse is 0808 2000 247

He is not a partner, he is using you. Dump him and you'll instantly get a better life.

Fucking hell!! I'd be divorcing him, this is no way to live!

How long have you been married?

Look, it's up to you OP. You can live like this or you can leave. Your life is miserable, change it.

I confronted my DH yesterday after a day of radio silence. He was still extremely angry even though I was sure to be calm and understanding.

i told him I was sorry if I had made him feel bad, that was not intention, but that it did need to be discussed because it was a major issue affecting both of us.

his response is that I had questioned his manhood, made him feel that I didn’t trust him and that I was point scoring.

I said that he had asked for help - he said “you say you’re fat all the time, I don’t agree with you” (for context I had anorexia before I met him and I’m not fat at all). He said if he says he’s struggling for money I don’t have to agree with him?

he also said if he’s so terrible why am I with him.

I tried so hard to be understanding and calm but came away feeling like the bad guy again