Am I too sensitive in arguments? Do I need to get some resilience? DH making me cry

[Whatsitallabouteh]

my husband screamed at me last night after me asking for a plan on debt repayments (that he hid from me for 3 years). I asked nicely and calmly. He started shouting at me, saying I wasn’t being compassionate, I was calling him weak and not a man, and that I wasn’t helpful.

i tried to say that I was helping by being proactive and helping with a plan (he says to me when I am stressed that I need to problem solve so I was helping him do this). He’d also asked for my help 4 days ago and so I was following up - I’d sent him a draft plan and was asking what his thoughts were.

he was screaming and I was trying not to cry. When I asked him to stop shouting he said he couldn’t be bothered arguing and “he needed space and to fuck off”. He spent the night playing video games and didn’t speak to me. He didn’t speak to me this morning and just left for work. I then got a text “am I picking you up from work?”

I struggle so much when he’s like this, so angry and doesn’t care I am crying when he shouts. I also struggle with him snapping back to “normal” and not addressing the issue at hand or how he spoke to me. Am I being too sensitive? Or should I just learn that adults get angry sometimes and shout? Should I learn more resilience?

I’m concerned that you don’t seem to have a good understanding of what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is. It certainly isn’t what you have described here.

It is not normal for a husband to scream at his partner, to subject you to the silent treatment, to make you second guess yourself at every turn, to make you cry, to make you feel like you shoullld be the one to apologise.This is abusive, bullying behaviour and isn’t something you need to put up with.

Do you have friends or family who you could talk to about this? I think you would benefit from hearing their perspective and getting their support.

This is a terribly unhealthy relationship and unlikely to get better I'm afraid.

If you were anorexic when you were younger then it's quite likely that he targeted you as a partner as someone he could manipulate. You're growing older and stronger and his manipulation isn't working any more.

You are not the bad guy here.

You feel like a bad guy again, because he is deliberately positioning you that way. It’s how he wants you to feel, so you stop questioning and do as you’re told. He’s trying you to put up and shut up.

honestly, it’s game over, he is not a safe person to be with, you need to investigate your options re divorce- but not with him. Do it quietly on your own so you are well armed and prepared for his nonsense. Because there will be nonsense.

Your husband is an abusive prick.

You should leave him. You do no have to accept this in life. From anyone. Ever.

Tell a friend, and speak to women’s aid.

I did not have to read your entire post to know this. It’s not resilience you need - it’s him gone.
big hug to you @Whatsitallabouteh xxx

Well i wouldnt trust him if hes running up debt. And hes certainly not a man if hes trying to get you to bail him out, again.

So id be reverting to seperate finances tbh if tou think the marriage is salvageable. Personally id be leaving.

Any children in this shit show?

Leave him. That's abusive behaviour. You deserve better.

He's a cunt. You deserve better.

Why can't he pay off the debt himself. do you know what he's spending it on?

OP, as others have said, it’s not a matter of your resilience or lack thereof but what sounds like concerning abusive behaviour from your DH. Screaming at you, giving you the silent treatment is not normal or healthy behaviour. But it seems like this has become normalised for you to the point where you automatically doubt yourself instead of him.

I’ve been there, I know it’s not as easy as just up and leaving. But you should pay real attention to what people on this thread are saying: these behaviours are not ok, it sounds like emotional abuse and manipulation through explosive anger and silent treatment designed to keep you tip toeing around his moods so he never needs to face accountability for his behaviours. This is not normal. This is not ok. I note that you apologised to him but it doesn’t sound like he apologised to you? He made you take the blame for his outburst, his bad behaviour was because you didn’t manage him well enough. Do you hear how irrational that is?

Please consider seeking therapy or counselling, by yourself at first. Saying these behaviours out loud to a third party can really help lift the scales.

Many emotional manipulators and gaslighters don’t even realise they’re doing. I bet he isn’t sitting there thinking “how can I make her doubt her reality and take the blame for every argument.” But he is making no effort at empathy and expecting you to prop him and your marriage up entirely by yourself. Left unchecked this will either cost your marriage or your long term mental health. I know what choice I made, and would make it every day again.

Hes clearly an arsehole & there's no excusing his behaviour.

But separately, i have to admit that i do find it a bit odd when adults are very quick to tears. I work with a woman who cries very readily, it does irritate people and sadly she has come to be viewed as a bit attention seeking and possibly manipulative. She makes a lot of mistakes & cock ups but turns on the waterworks whenever it happens & leaves our empathetic boss feeling sorry for her. I was raised in a culture believing that crying is a reaction of children who lack language or emotional regulation, and in adults would only be expected in circumstances like injury or losing your job/home or bereavement, rather than because someones shouting or rude.

You have a serious problem with your husband

He hides debt from you
He tells you to fuck off
He screams at you.
He refuses to talk to you.

Any one of those would give me serious pause. I'm married 30 years and dh has never done any of these things and damn right I'd cry if he screamed at me and told me to fuck off. I'd also fuck off ... for good.

This guy is an abusive loser .

The best form of defence is attack (although clearly not). He feels like shit, you are trying to help and he attacks. Id be sorting out my own financials and getting the hell out before he does it again and drags you even further in to his mess.

The excuses for his behaviour keep coming despite pages of advice that equals a life time of knowledge.
I'm beginning to wonder about the authenticity of it all?

When you say “keep coming” - OP has posted three times, with the second post being just a clarification in response to a direct question.

You can report the OP if you are concerned.

Excuses where exactly? Where have I excused his behaviour. Don’t comment if you’re annoyed

I'm not annoyed in the slightest.
I really do hope you find a real life way out of your predicament.
Sorry my prev post just didn't come out right.

i have been married to two men who could not control their emotions. With the hindsight of age and wisdom, they were not partners who could or should, have lasted as long as they did. The first one destroyed my mental health to the point of me feeling utterly tortured, the second could make windows rattle with his venom-and strangely enough, I know both loved me, but could never show that love calmly or maturely. I am so glad I didn't commit suicide after dealing with the first one. We started off as best friends age 16 at school. I look back and can't fathom how a) I became so weak and b) EVER put up with anyone disrespecting me the way both did. I am the happiest I've ever been now, amongst my family, friends and my children, but equally coming home to my two dogs. Forever loyal, patient, dependable; and they don't call me a cunt. I hope I have set a great example to my children. Anyone treats you like that; you leave, you grow; you never look back. Life can, and does, get better.

It’s abuse 🤷‍♀️

He denies, deflects and turns himself into the victim which is classic abuse tactics.

He does not love or respect you and you can’t make a good man out of this bad one.

Soeak to Women’s Aid and work out how to leave.

he also said if he’s so terrible why am I with him

To be fair, it's a good question and we are asking you the same thing.

You are in an abusive relationship with a nasty piece of shit that is bullying you into fixing his debt.

You need to reach out to domestic abuse charities and get away from him.

Oh, love. It's not you. It is certainly emotional abuse, and financial as well by the sound of it.

I was there for years, you get so worn down with it you just keep doggedly trying to make it better.

It's. Not. You.

And you can't make it better in terms of changing him. You CAN get out of it, though. Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?". You deserve better and it's not ok. He's a piece of shit.

Dump dump dump dump him just LEAVE. Yesterday, and if you can’t do that as soon as possible. He gets into debt regularly, takes money off you, has tried to get you into debt, screams at you for wanting to talk about it, weaponises your past eating disorder against you- this man is abusive, and one of life’s dead weights who will only drag you down. I don’t need to know if there are any good points, nothing would outweigh what you’ve shared here. You need to withdraw, remind yourself he is not on your team, he is a dead weight who wants to sink you and wants to know you’re hurting, and focus on how you get out of this. Is the house owned/ rented? Is it in his name , yours or both? Can you ask him to leave? If he screams at you again ask him to stop once, then phone the police.

AbzMoz
“I used to cry at any and all conflict. I then discovered quiet rage, and it seems to serve me far better.”

oh wise one, HOW?? I really want to know how to achieve this skill. I mastered it in the professional domain due to combating 15 years of a verbally, physically & sexually abusive boss, but I can’t manage to hold the line with my domineering family of origin.