AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

Leaving anything to siblings would be very unusual when you’ve got kids.
We had DH’s siblings down as guardians as all grandparents too old to be up to the job. One of their godparents as financial guardian/trustee as ours would have inherited significant sums and the solicitor thought it wise to keep their money separate to their carers and god parent was particularly financially savvy without being mean with it!
As it happened we managed to live until the youngest was 18, but you are wise to be planning for the worst OP. Obviously they’d be very unfortunate to lose both parents, but I read the other day 1 out of 29 children have lost a parent before they reach adulthood at 18 I imagine because of people having children later in life - I found that 1/29 quite shocking, but 5 of the parents we became acquaintances of at primary school 20yrs ago have died so I suspect it is sadly correct.

First of all your mum vs his parents- def your mum and don’t feel guilty about it. His parents are 10 year older and more hands off- don’t underestimate the limitations of age of bringing up children esp when flung into it in traumatic circumstances assuming your deaths. I’m sure they will not thank you for it. Perhaps you could caveat a certain amount for visits a year or to be consulted in some way on major decisions affecting the children so they feel they have a say? In the nicest ways of saying this, if you both die, you won’t be here to feel guilty! Also in this situation you have to do what is right for your children first and foremost- their grandma who they see multiple times a week, is very familiar and lives in the same place will not uproot their lives in the same way as going to live with lovely but more absent grandparents who they obviously won’t have the same relationship with.

secondly, if you don’t both die a tragic and early death, then your husbands siblings will likely inherit from their parents, and therefore be better off sooner, and that is that generation taken care off. His main priority should be to ensure his children are well provided for- it is your family wealth for them, not for siblings! That is what his parents inheritance is for!!

DD had a friend’s mum who died when she was about eight. The parents were divorced. All the money from the mum was left to the little girl, who had been living with her dad for some time. He used it on her education - private school and then university fees.

Your husband is being weird. You don't leave assets to siblings when you've got kids. I mean, there might be some complicated or exceptional circumstances where it happens, but this obviously isn't the case. It's fine to leave siblings something sentimental, some jewellery or maybe some power tools! But seriously you don't leave them substantial amounts of money.

It’s normal to appoint someone of your generation as guardians to your children not grandparents.

I don’t have siblings but DH has a sister. Although neither of us were really that keen we nominated her and her husband as our children’s guardians in our wills. DH was worried they’d be upset if we chose friends. To cut a long story short they turned out to be awful people and we are now no contact. The beauty of that is that now we have our best friends as guardians and I know they would take care of them way better.

Edited to add. This decision should be made solely with the best options for your children in mind, not with the feelings of other family members. Just your children.
Your Mum sounds like the perfect guardian.
Why make her life much much more complicated by dividing that power between the families. She could end up having to get their approval for every single item.
I'd be worried about that if I were her. And if that is your decision you should make it clear to her.
One person to make the decisions is much easier.
You know she's reasonable and will want them to have a good relationship with the other grandparents.

Secondly, siblings? No. Just No.. it should all go to your children. All the siblings can earn their own living and can inherit from their own grandparents. Your children ( god forbid) might be too young to do that.

Hope it never comes to pass, best of luck.

Name your mother as guardian if anything should happen to you both.
Don't tell anyone what you have decided to put in your wills.
Money etc goes to the DCs.
Tell DH you can revisit them in the future (maybe 20 years time) and see how the land lies then. To arrange to gift money to a sibling and tell them when you are as young as you are is ridiculous imv (I'm 70 btw) and an awful lot can happen in a family, disasters and successes, over a life time so don't commit to anything now.

But you can't know that they won't. When I worked for SS we had foster carers in their 60/70s. My peer group (58+) and the grandmother carer I know, could all care for teens. The children would need stability, caring, compassion and love, that isn't easy to find. We might have health niggles, but life when we are older, can be settled and we have time to focus on the children. The OOs Mother could challenge residency and would have a chance of winning. It's better to not sour the relationships around the children, as I have seen happen.

This is so interesting, and I suppose he is trying to show his love for his siblings and let them know they were thought of, but personally I do think your DH is overcomplicating it.
I have one daughter and everything goes to her because she is my responsibility and God forbid I am not there to help her in all the ways a parent should help their child, I at least want every last penny to go towards helping her launch into life.

I have ensured that the house, which is solely in my name, bypasses DP and goes straight to her. Everything I have is for my child, but I do find other perspectives on this interesting and quite thoughtful.

Our estate will be divided between siblings if the whole family is wiped out in an incident, but otherwise if you have surviving children, especially young ones, I think it's v unusual to leave anything significant to siblings unless you're absolutely minted

I don't get it. you're b oth dead in this scenario and he's worried that his parents might feel slighted? I'd be far more concerned abotu the well being of my children than someone being slighted. FFS.

As for siblings, I think if you are wealthy and want to help them out, fine. Go for it. But I dont' really see the point if you're just a normal family with limited assets.

It’s highly unusual to leave money to your siblings if you have children. If they suffered the tragedy of losing both parents when still young, why on earth would adult siblings get anything as opposed to them getting the lot.

And even once the children are adults I still can’t see any justification for them not getting the lot. I expect most bereaved adults would feel somewhat perplexed to read in a will that Uncle Bob and aunty Flo were beneficiaries.

With the ages of your kids they could be dependent for another 20 years so your estate including life assurance needs to fund that. Unless your estate is going to be exceptionally large then there won’t be any spare for siblings or anyone else.

also a lot can happen in the next 10-15 years so you need to specify who gets the kids if your mum isn’t able to have them.

your husband is being ridiculous

Leave personal mementoes to siblings so they are included in the will, but your absolute financial responsibility is to your children. Think about their future. Consider University financial support, a lump sum at age 25 for a car or house deposit or wedding.

Also, talk to everyone in the family about guardianship. Your siblings may also have opinions and ideas about it, as might both lots of your parents. You might also have close friends who could also be considered.

This would really tick me off. Your children deserve your support, not siblings. Also the plans for the children should be in the best interests of the children not used to manage family politics. When DH and I made wills, we nominated a cousin to care for our children (she and her DH agreed beforehand) as the families of the 3 brothers we had between us we did not deem the best for the task.
If he is determined to leave money to his siblings, I would be tempted to say you have the right to do what you want but I must protect my children so you, DH, will not inherit from me at all. I will leave everything I have directly to my children as I cannot trust that you will put them first if I am no longer around.

He’s being a little odd about this. Re his parents, I’d suggest including a clause clearly saying your mum is to be their guardian but encouraging her to maintain the important relationship between the children and his parents. I don’t think it would have much force legally but could address his need to recognise them..

On his siblings, suggest leaving them something sentimental or a small amount of money to have a holiday to remember him or something.

It is incredibly odd to want to leave part of your estate to siblings when you have dependent children. If you die early, they will need every bit of support and help they can get. To be honest, even if they were in early adulthood, I would think the same thing.

As for naming guardians in a will, do remember that this isn’t legally binding, it’s just an expression of your wishes. I would think that a younger family members would be better than either of your parents. Realistically, they are too old. Your mum is younger at 61 but what something g happened in 10 years. Kids would really be better if with younger guardians I think….

Yes I think both sets of GPs were pretty relieved when we named DH’s sister as guardian. My dsis also pretty relieved as kids not really in her plans!

i have left my sibling things like art and jewellery that belong to “our family” and which my dc and DH have no emotional connection to ( dd gets my rings).

You can always re do your will if your mum becomes unwell.

But you are writing your will NOW... for your children at the age they are now.
Your Mother appears to be their consistent and familiar care giver. That is everything to young children in that situation. Of course she's the best person.
Your DH needs to have the DC at the forefront of his priorities..

And as @Smokeywater says don't tell anyone else what is in your wills.

Completely agree with that. It opens a can of worms usually

We recently made wills.
children get everything and kids go to my dh brother & wife if we both die. Otherwise it’s a straight forward I get everything or dh gets everything.

Massively overcomplicating it PLUS you can change or make new wills in the future.
your young children should be the priority - if something happened to both of you they will need ALL the money plus a guardian who can be trusted to both raise your kids the way you would want AND be trusted to not abuse or use the money the kids will be left.
Have your DH explain the reasoning behind who the guardian you have chosen is to his parents but make it clear to them that they will still very much be a part of the kids lives should the worst happen and that you would want the. To support your DM etc.

Do bear in mind that if people are named with a specific amount of money in a will, these will be paid first before anything else in the estate, so if for any reason your estate were to diminish, those beneficiaries would be paid and that could potentially leave very little left for your children.

With regards to siblings, most people don't tend to name adult siblings in their will, unless they have no dependants/partners. I am named in my sisters simply as a a guardian for her children.

When we did our will I didn't even cross my mind to include siblings??

That's really weird - our money will go to our kids, end of story.

As for the in laws being "left out" FFS 🙄 do they even want to potentially become parents again to small children in their 70s or 80s?? Not to mention the overwhelming likelihood that they probably won't even still be here if it's needed!

Leave the bulk to your children (with it in trust until a certain age). Make it clear in the will who is the chosen person/couple to take over care of the children. Yes, it makes sense for it to be your mum.

Is your DH talking about wanting the will to be fair financially with this parents or just the care? The money you'd want your mum to access would be tied up in looking after the children?

I'm a chosen person for my mate if she dies, not her mum or sibling. And another friend is the chosen person for that mate to be in charge of the finances. She got a will sorted out early doors as she's a single parent and wanted it all legally set out.

It isn't the norm to leave money to older generations, no. You can choose to include siblings but it's not expected. Or it might be something v specific like a wine collection or a posh car rather than a % of your assets.

Our solicitor was excellent. Everything goes to our children, but if god forbid something happens to all of us then our assets get split 50/50 between my family and his family, and each family share then gets split between those parents and siblings.