AIBU to think timing and charging for my showers is excessive?

[DuchessOf]

I know this is going to sound completely ridiculous and I am aware that I probably need to grow a backbone, but I'm genuinely upset and don't know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm 37F and my sister, "Karen", is 41F. We're very different people. She's quite a big, loud woman and has always been very confident and outspoken. I'm small and quiet and tend to avoid confrontation. She says I'm "too sensitive", which is probably true.

I'm staying with her for a few weeks while some work is being done at my flat. I am very grateful because she has a spare room and I don't really want to stay in a hotel.
The problem is her hot water.

Karen is extremely careful with money. She has a combi boiler and apparently has worked out exactly how much a shower costs. When I arrived she told me that showers were limited to five minutes and that I should "think of the meter".

I honestly thought she was joking.

She wasn't.

There is now a little kitchen timer outside the bathroom. She says I'm supposed to set it before getting in the shower.

The first morning I was here I took about seven minutes because I'd washed my hair. She knocked on the door at five minutes and said, "That's your five."

I said, "Sorry, I've just got shampoo in my hair."

She said, "Well, you've had your warning."

I thought this was incredibly strange but didn't say anything.

She then told me I'd used 7p worth of hot water and asked me for 10p.

I laughed because I assumed she was joking.

She just looked at me and said, "It's not free."

I gave her the 10p.

Since then she's been keeping track. She has a notebook on the kitchen worktop with everyone's shower times written down. Mine says:
Monday – 6 mins – 12p
Tuesday – 4 mins – 8p
Wednesday – 8 mins – 16p

I asked why Wednesday was 16p and she said I'd "had the water running unnecessarily".

I honestly don't know how she knows this.

Yesterday I had a shower before work and she knocked after five minutes.

I said, "I'm nearly finished."

She said, "You're always nearly finished."

I got out.

Later she told me that she'd calculated I'd used an additional 11p of gas and that she thought it was "only fair" that I contributed £1 towards the week's hot water.

I gave it to her because I couldn't think of what else to do.
This morning I got up early because I thought I could have a shower before she woke up.

Apparently she has changed the boiler settings so that the hot water doesn't come on until 6.30am.

I turned the tap on at 6.15 and it was cold.

I texted her asking if there was something wrong with the boiler and she replied:

"No. It's 6.15. We've discussed this."

I hadn't realised we'd discussed it.

The really humiliating thing is that yesterday I went into town and bought a coffee. When I came home she said, "You can afford a £4.20 coffee but apparently you can't afford your share of the gas."

I said the coffee wasn't really relevant.

She said, "Everything's relevant when you're living in someone else's house."

I went upstairs and cried.

I know objectively that this sounds pathetic. We're talking about pennies. I can afford to pay for the water. It's not the money.

It's the fact that I feel like I'm being monitored constantly.
I now feel anxious every time I turn on a tap. I've started brushing my teeth with the bathroom door closed because I don't want her commenting on how long the water was running.

Last night she actually shouted upstairs:

"Are you having a bath?"

I wasn't. I'd dropped something in the sink.

I said no.

She said, "Good, because that's not happening."

I am beginning to dread being here. I don't want anyone to tell me to just leave because unfortunately it's not that simple and I don't have another option immediately available.

Karen says I'm being dramatic and that I'm "acting like she's withholding food".

She says I'm lucky she lets me stay here and that if I don't like her rules I can pay for a hotel. I do appreciate that it's her house. I really do.

But AIBU to think charging your sister 10p for a shower and keeping a notebook of her shower times is a bit excessive?

I’d just give her say £50 and let her amuse herself by totting up daily shower costs. She does sound either bonkers or excessively tight, though - or both….

We once stayed at an air bnb in Cornwall where there was a 4 minute timer on the shower! Apparently there was a genuine reason for it - or so they said….

I managed, just, but it would never have been enough when I had long, thick hair to rinse off.

Just leave and book into a hotel. Life is too short for these kinds of shenanigans!

I thought everyone turned the water off whilst lathering, otherwise the soap just washes off before you can soap yourself all over. And leaving the tap running whilst cleaning teeth is just sheer waste. I can see why your sister is pissed off with your wastefulness, particularly as we're just coming out of a drought situation.

Perhaps you need to have a serious think about the environment . . .

She sounds extreme in her frugality and control of her costs however some people are extreme in their disregard for use of utilities - leaving lights on, have excessively long showers with little regard for the cost of the hot water or, ramping up heating with windows open etc etc and this can be tiresome to entertain....

She does sounds over the top and possibly struggles with someone else in her space but I do think you should be giving her some money towards your keep. Her own financial affairs are nothing to do with it.

People with control issues will control whatever it is in their power to control. My friend's dad is like this with showers - he times people and shouts at them if they have exceeded the, completely spurious and only known by him, mysterious 'time' that they are allowed to shower for.

But he also controls other aspects of life for those who are unfortunate enough to be in his immediate sphere. So does your sister have general control issues? Is she, perhaps, over reacting and trying to control just a little of her environment because you've moved in and therefore other aspects are outside her normal ability to control?

If this is the case I'd be a wee bit more sympathetic because, annoying though it is, they can't help it. If she really is being an absolute tightarse then I'd just pay her some money and say it's to cover your time in the shower until you leave and never mention it again.

Give her the £100 in pennies.

It’s batshit, but I would give her £20 a week specifically for gas and then it’s a non issue that won’t affect your relationship. She is being nice letting you stay there.

Totally agree with this comment, this is about control, not money.

Some of the responses on this thread are as strange as the actions of your sister. I read the thread over breakfast and saw the person questioning why you'd take 5 minutes to shower. Having become rather over-invested, I set the timer for my own shower, including hair wash. 8 minutes, no faffing about involved.

It’s misogynistic bullshit. As is the description of her being big. Not sure why her size is relevant but people do like to add in these mean little comments

OP if you’re crying in your room, move to a hotel and pay your way.

This was what l was going to say. We have a combi boiler and hot water is on demand every time you turn on the hot tap or the shower. Sounds more like she’s turned the boiler off altogether. Which is batshit.

Why don't you ask her if you can pay for each shower? Some thing like £5 for every shower lasting up to 20 minutes?

Try and look at the positives. She is still letting you stay despite her hang-ups. She must love you a lot.

How many people would she let stay like this?

Bit judgemental. I didn’t read it as a comment about body size, just illustrating the difference between them - could have been referring to height.

I actually don’t think she is being nice. I think she’s taking every opportunity to remind OP that she’s doing her a favour. OP has offered to pay her way weekly and Dsis has refused, so it beggars belief that she would behave like this over pennies. I think it’s more about control than money.

I think this is more about control than money though @nomas. To be timing and costing showers to the minute, setting a timer and banging on the door if OP goes over it seems to be a very unkind way to treat her - especially since OP offered to pay her way weekly and Dsis refused. Sounds like there’s OCD or something similar at play. And you can’t set a timer for hot water on a combi boiler, so if OP has turned on the shower and found the water cold, it means Dsis has turned the boiler off. I don’t think that’s normal.

A hotel would have been a better option for you. Instead, you are being ungrateful and mock a 'Karen'. You do not publicly mock a person who gave you shelter, no matter how eccentric or batshit they are. Poor manners.

I agree it's not normal and it is about control.

I think the sums the sister is charging per shower are so small that I would try and find a way around it by offering £5 per shower or something. Maybe it would set her sister's heart at ease. Equally she might say no.

An alternative might be that OP sign up at a local gym and take her showers there each day.

Honestly I’d look at an Air BnB and speak to your contractors to see whether you can move back in sooner, even if you have to make do with the dust. I’ve never moved out when we’ve had reno work done as would rather muddle through at home with a camping stove and washing my hair in the sink if needed - or you book a premier inn for the odd night to have a [very long, hot] shower etc.

It sounds as though your sister has significant personality issues that may have contributed to the workplace settlement and past relationship breakdowns. I’d hard avoid and get yourself out asap.

Can you "prepay" and give her £50?!

She sounds absolutely batshit. Is there anywhere else you can stay, with a friend perhaps? If so, do that.

I think turning the shower off while soaping yourself or lathering up your hair is a bit OTT - l just reposition the shower head or step to the side. The water from electric showers is freezing cold when you first turn it on - why would you do that in the middle of a shower ? And if the shower works off a combi boiler you’re using a lot more energy constantly heating the water up from cold. Agree with you about cleaning teeth though. There’s no need to keep the water running while you scrub.

Karen was a poor choice of name but there’s no mocking here. And OP is not ungrateful. She offered to pay her way. Dsis refused and is now making life miserable for the sake of pennies. It’s insane to cost showers to the penny and bang on the door if OP exceeds a stingy timer. Or to turn off the hot water on a combi boiler so it can’t be used without your knowledge. That’s controlling and there’s clearly a MH issue.

I think it's about money and "rules" about gift giving. Is she very rigid about life generally. I think you either go along with it or move out.

She has problems of her own by the sounds of it.

Have you offered to split household bills and expenses while you're staying?

Just pay half of all the utilities bills for the time you're there. If you haven't offered, then YABU.

OP said in an update that she offered to pay £100 and buy their food. Dsis refused.

Reiterate that you will pay towards utilities and food. If she refuses, tell her it's either that or she stops timing your showers and hassling you. Say clearly that you would like to pay rather than this keep happening.

Christ, she sounds a nightmare though. The thing about the hand cream I couldn't be arsed.