AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

Yeah, I'm not persuaded that this is your fault. She could have come out when you knocked. She didn't. She could have gone out anyway, got to the lecture or seminar or whatever on time, and showered later. She didn't. Losing her shit at you like that is hard to come back from.

Your username is ironic 😉
Pretty sure it wouldn’t have taken a minute to spray down the bath, unless of course there’s more to this story? 😂

and she catastrophised in her own head until she saw you and it all exploded out?
It was out of order to scream at you, and it was daft not to go to class just because her hair needed a wash, but I can see how the beginning of the new term and stress levels rising can bring out the worst in someone.

That’s what I’m worried about - I can understand how you can get in your own head and panic. I’m not happy how she took it out on me - I don’t think it was a proportionate reaction. And final year is going to be super stressful. I don’t want to set her off again.

Your housemate is insane. You should tell her that. And her choice to miss class was her own not yours. She could have asked what you were doing instead of assuming.

Rinsing the bath or shower shouldn’t take 10 mins and on top of the time you already spent in there.
Why didn’t you rinse the bath/shower as soon as you’d finished rather than get dressed and go back in. Perhaps your flat mate thought you were still I. There when in fact you were out and we’re getting dressed

I would have been livid with you !! Between the two of you ( and only one of you paying rent ) you took 30 minutes in the morning ?? Surely 10 mins for a shower (or 3 if you're me ) and then you come out and see if flatmates need to use it ?

When did the other girl brush her teeth etc ???

Unbelievably selfish in my opinion and I feel sorry for your flatmates.

Slightly different but we share bathroom as family of 5. Everyone has their shower slots
Dh - early
Youngest dc 6.30
Me 7am
Oldest dc 7.20
Middle dc 7.40

I would tell her in no uncertain terms you are not going to put up with being yelled at.

If she’s got a problem, she can come out and tell you normally

Edit - I do agree with others that you took too long but I think yelling at people is unacceptable

DD22, DH and I live together and DD and I set off for work together.
We have agreed bathroom times in the morning and DH stays out of the way until we are gone (just a quick wee if needed).
It’s the only way to have harmony. No one is at their best at that time in the morning.
Applogise, set up a schedule and if your BF is there he shares your time.

OP,

Solidarity. I had extremely heavy periods and poor eyesight and would have been very worried about leaving an embarrassing souvenir behind.

She had no right to yell at you. Frankly it's crazy behaviour hours later and it doesn't even make sense. You didn't prevent her from using the bathroom.

I reckon she missed the class, is stressed about it and decided to blow up at you instead. She's a bully. I'm afraid you will have to stand up to her.

"Stop shouting at me." And walk away every time. My sister is like this and I know how frightening it is.

Between you and your BF, who doesn’t live there, you had the bathroom for the better part of an hour in the morning. Sorry but that’s not acceptable in a shared flat.

I think screaming at you hours after is unnecessary. Perhaps do a quick rinse and spray airfreshner next time. Maybe agree a bathroom rota for future then she has to stick to it to too.

She shouldn’t have shouted at you but in hindsight you’d have been better to pop your glasses on and do a quick clean rather than a thorough one at that time in the morning. A quick airfreshner spray & clean up any blood smears would have made it fine for others to use & allow them time to get ready before class.

Agree with this @Confused383838 and really hope it was a one-off.

Boyfriends only stay over Friday/Saturday, not on days when the people that pay the rent have to be in class or at work. I shared a flat with someone whose boyfriend was there most of the time, which really messed up my morning schedule. The ultimate insult was the morning when I knocked on the bathroom door and he emerged wrapped in my towel.

You are being a bit dramatic with your reaction, your emotions are heightened because you’re on your period. Should she have yelled at you, no but equally should you have taken up maybe the same time she wanted to get ready, no. You need to both apologise again and draw a line under it, you can’t suddenly retreat to your bfs, you’re using this as an opportunity to realise you’ve made a mistake over all with your living arrangement, you say you didn’t know this girl well (and haven’t lived with her before) so now you regret it as you’re having to change the way you’ve been before and didn’t factor this in. Why wouldn’t you live with your best friends for your last year at uni? Should you have asked if your BF could stay over, yes. Was I pissed off when my old flatmate brought his gf over all the time without asking and she didn’t pay us any money to the bills, yes, we agreed to live with him, not her.
Should you both communicated when you needed the bathroom to get ready (again you do the same course so both will need to leave at the same time) moving forward the 3 of you need to do this, how do you know the other girl isn’t just as pissed off? I wouldn’t arrive late to a uni class because it’s embarrassing, I’d skip it, I also wouldn’t arrive with greasy hair as it’s unprofessional and I don’t like how I feel. The rule is people who pay bills get priority. So all you need to do is say, shall we all decide who’s going first, and then if someone needed to wash their hair they’ve got first dibs. You also have used other language which denotes there are other issues like “I’m going to do well this year” are you in competition with this girl? Did she beat your scores last year? Most graduates just keep this sort of stuff to themselves and aim to graduate and enjoy what’s left of uni and aren’t looking to mums net for answers 😂 chat to some of your other friends

She was unreasonable to scream at you. You were unreasonable to hog the bathroom for 30 minutes during peak time when clearly others would be waiting.

I think you were inconsiderate to take up about half an hour in the morning before you all needed to leave. Your flatmate not have come out because she could hear you and your boyfriend still in the area and she might have felt self conscious with you both there first thing when she wasn't even dressed yet.

She shouldn't have shouted but I can see why she was annoyed.

For all you know she was also on her period and felt she needed a shower but didn't want to say and that's why she didn't manage to get to class. It doesn't really matter why and I think you're wrong to keep saying she should have just gone to uni with dirty hair because you also could have just not showered or got up earlier since you also had your bf there who would need the bathroom

No not in completion with her academically. But I’ve made sacrifices to go to uni, so it’s important to me that I do well and not let other people derail me in the final year.

I didn’t move with the other girls from last year because they were all part of the same course with each other and wanted to move to a part of town that was near to their campus but far from my campus. They asked me to come. I also wanted to stay in university accommodation in part because they offer a cleaner and it was just one less thing to worry about (ironic I know!) The year before I had another lovely set of seven girls I lived with, no problems apart from usual dishes in the sink type things. Several of my flatmates had boyfriends who came and went, no one cared if they were around or not. I appreciate it’s different living in a flat of three and an extra guy makes a difference but we were barely there that first week and it was only the second night I’d spent there and the first night he’d been there, so they were really getting more flat for their rent, not less.

I take yours and other people’s points that I was inconsiderate. I really didn’t see cleaning the bathroom voluntarily as hogging it as I thought I was doing a nice thing. And I also didn’t expect that going in/out of the bathroom meant it was exclusively mine for the whole 30 mins, as if anyone needed it then I would have just waited. So there’s clearly some bathroom etiquette I’m
not aware of. I used to share two bathrooms with 7 girls and we never had an issues - if it was busy we waited and nipped in when it was free!

I don’t really want to chat to other people about this. It’s so petty. I’m hoping to get al
my feelings out in one go and then forget about it, just get my head down and work.

That’s the weirdest question ever. I have my period now, should I ask my husband to move out? 🤔

Couldn’t you and your boyfriend have rented a private flat together?

3rd (final) year is, IMO, the most important part. I hated being in a shared house in 3rd year with my housemates boyfriends hanging round.

Some people aren't morning people. You know that about her now. You also know that a conversation needs to be had about who needs the shower and when. Put it behind you and move on. It doesn't need to become a bigger thing than it is. If she drags it out further then that's her problem.

It should not take an extra 10 minutes to clean the bathroom after you've used it. You should use it and have it clean enough for next user (albeit damp) all in one session. Ideally lasting no more than 20-30 mins total if bath and full grooming. Much less if just shower.

Also your BF probably should not use the bathroom in the morning at all other than for a pee/poo. He needs to go home and use his own for anything that takes longer. It's not fair if people paying for the flat can't get out the door in time because a non resident is in there. There's clearly an urgency for everyone at the same time and tenants take priority.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I think you sound lovely! I have always had really heavy periods and know exactly what you mean. I understand why you wanted to clean properly & I know you’ve realised perhaps in future the timing (morning rush!) may require a quicker rinse & spray.
As for your housemate, I feel quite sorry for her. I grew up in a house with quite an easy to anger Dad & a rage response over seemingly ‘incidental’ issues was quite normal. Perhaps I’m making a bit of a leap, but there is every chance this is a learned ‘home’ behaviour or a sincerely anxious response in a situation that clearly wasn’t warranted.
It’s obviously not healthy or productive to speak to anyone this way. I hope you manage to sort it out with her - I would be mortified if I were her (even for letting the ‘real me’ slip out) and you did not deserve her tearing into you so viciously.
I would say, as part of being at university (& living away from home) you’ll see all
sides of a person. Don’t accept the behaviour but perhaps offer her a bit of grace.
You’ve got to have been through some things to think it’s acceptable to speak to anyone (especially someone you consider a friend) the way she did to you. I’m glad you’ve got your boyfriend & his home to give some distance.
But as a lesson in human nature and differences - while it shouldn’t take away from your studies - it is an opportunity to learn something new. I met all sorts at uni and even weirder and wilder people (and their interesting behaviours) once I started working… It’s a mad old world!
Oh & please please don’t worry at all about what she may say to other people. That’s such a waste of your time. Trust that people will see her for who she is. If she’s a gossip & a moaner, they’ll expect some hyperbole. Silence is golden 😉 Have a great final year!