AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

I do think you were pretty inconsiderate in a 3 person household and you could probably all do with discussing what your schedules and morning routines are like. However the screaming at you instead of talking calmly was very unreasonable. Charitably she could have anxieties about her appearance that mean she was incredibly stressed at not being able to wash her hair before being seen in public and that spiraled when she felt she had to miss class but, as PP pointed out, that sounds like hard work to live with.

So I see your concern about her. If it's university accommodation you could ask if a transfer is possible - you normally get a host of students who don't turn up or drop out in the first few weeks so there's often movement in September. Or you could try a house meeting, clear the air a bit, and agree on some expectations (possibly including addressing things calmly and not screaming at each other).

No, I haven’t spent a significant amount of time with her, just little chats between classes, the odd lunch or evening out. Not lived with her before, but we were living with other people before. She said she was fed up with living in a private house and coming back to uni accommodation and asked me to live with her. I was in a different accommodation which I liked but my flatmates all wanted to move to private.

Yes there’s a third person who seems fine. They are on a different course. I felt very embarrassed for her, I think she was in her room when all the screaming happened. We’d never met her before she moved in.

As someone who’s had periods for nearly 30 years, I can’t understand taking 5-10 minutes to clean a bath. Surely there wasn’t that much blood, and if there was, it only takes 2 mins to wash it down.

Your boyfriend gets last dibs as he isn’t paying for the water, flat or anything it. You prioritised him which has pissed her off.

I’ve already asked but there’s nothing available. It’s private university accommodation if that makes any sense so I have to stay within it. The university owned accommodation was one I moved out of and I wish I hadn’t - it was lovely. 😭

Jesus you wouldn't want to see me after a 5 min shower during a period.

Its like a murder scene.

Then why ask a pointless question🙄? Are you suggesting that women shouldn't be around menfolk when they have a period!? That idea appears in the old testament in a couple of places, but isnt really any part of modern life.

And it had only just started, so the OP would need to stop him coming over before the period actually started.

I didn’t prioritise BF. She never came out of her room so he went to use the bathroom for 2 mins and then we left. He was otherwise in my room waiting the whole time. The reason why he was so quick was we hadn’t planned for him to stay so he didn’t have anything with him, no change of clothes, no toothbrush.

Haven’t you ever had an unexpected messy heavy period? I was still bleeding when I got out of the bathtub and I only had a towel, no pads or tampons, not prepared at all. I rinsed and wiped what I could see wihout my glasses and went to my room to get dressed. No one went in the bathroom in the meantime. I came back to check. I didn’t want to miss anything so I cleaned the bathtub, the floor, the toilet seat. I disinfected the toilet too and then washed my hands. I said 5-10 mins but I wasn’t sure, I wasn’t keeping track, it just felt long because cleaning is not fun. The door was open - I had no idea she was seething in her room waiting for me to leave. If someone needed it I would have hurried. BF nipped to the bathroom and was done in 2 mins. I knocked on her door and she didn’t answer so we left.

One shouting match is absolutely NOT "bullying behaviour". Jesus wept. That's offensive to people who have actually been the victim of a bully!
And @Confused383838 with all due respect, one incident like this in 3 years means absolutely nothing. Should she have screamed at you? Nope. But your reaction to it (like thinking this is the "real her") after one event is a little dramatic. It's normal to have disagreements with flatmates, especially if there's a third party involved who doesn't actually live in the home.

Not surprised your flatmatd was annoyed. You hogged the bathroom then your boyfriend went in. Not on. Sorry

She's a psycho. Start keeping a diary so you know you're not crazy. Look at options to move out. I holidayed with someone I've known for years and she was like this - completely over the top and shouting about reasonable morning noise like quietly closing cupboards. It messed with my head because I just didn't know when the next outburst would come. I don't think you are wrong to be concerned about this massive overreaction, sorry to say.

So you gave the bathroom a thorough clean first thing in the morning, knowing full well she might want to use it? 🙄

Shared living needs discussions about everything because everyone has very different ideas and it can get very sore and personal because essentially its like slagging off your mums cleaning and how she bought you up

I've been told i am gross because i only mop the kitchen floor once a week and i do not routinely dust skirting boards

some people like the extra visitors and love shared living others do it under sufferance

have a house meeting

I think what people are missing is that the OP took a long time in the bathroom and had her boyfriend staying over, and instead of telling her in calm if annoyed tones, oy, I need in there, the flatmate chose to scream at her. That's not normal.

Think you might have found out why she was looking for someone new to live with... Is it just the 2 of you? I mean, if bf isn't staying over.

And you'd have wanted to go into a shower/loo that looked like something out of Psycho I guess

For some reason she spent 15 minutes cleaning the bath. I am not sure why she did this since she had a shower and if there was any blood it would have been washed away - no need to clean bath afterwards. Unsurprisingly flat mate is furious - though why she missed her class because she couldn't wash her hair is unfathomable. Not surprised she was cross. Surprised she did not come and bang on the door. Why the BF did not use the bathroom straight after OP is also unfathomable. They both appear totally unaware of the passage of time.

Why would it look like Psycho? She should have sorted out the period before she had a shower and just sprayed the bath if there were any drops of blood. I suspect OP is the sort of person who does not clear away as she cooks, either.

How do you ‘sort out your period’ before getting in the shower?

Because when I had heavy periods like this, the only way I could ‘sort it out’ aka clean myself was with a shower.

And she DID cleaned the bath when she had finished. Properly. Hence it took her another 5~10 mins to do so….

You’d think if it was that bad - sudden huge, huge loss of blood, OP would have mentioned it in the OP. Because I think any one of us would understand the desire to make sure it hadn’t gone up the walls etc.

Ah come on, that's a reach isn't it? She cleaned the bathroom so she leaves the rest of the house in a state? Where's the logic?!

Op has said she's short sighted and didn't have her contacts in plus could still smell it. So she cleaned the bathroom. And apparently that's a hanging offence now?

Maybe she had a heavy period too.

Can you explain it to me like I'm a toddler? Why on earth is flatmate 'unsurprisingly furious' that someone had the temerity to actually clean a bathroom after they'd used it and thought they'd made a mess? Are you actually for real?

Flatmate should have, and I says something oft quoted on MN, used her words! 'Hey Doris, are you going to be much longer, I need to get a wash'. Not hard is it?

Maybe she also panicked that you're not the person she thought you were and that you and your boyfriend are going to make her late on a regular basis and she catastrophised in her own head until she saw you and it all exploded out?
It was out of order to scream at you, and it was daft not to go to class just because her hair needed a wash, but I can see how the beginning of the new term and stress levels rising can bring out the worst in someone.
Also, if she is very insecure about hair etc. enough to make her avoid class, then maybe she didn't want your boyfriend to see her without hair/make-up etc. if she doesn't know him well and didn't want to pop out to chivvy you along.

For what it's worth, I don't think your bathroom use sounds excessive, and I think it was quite sweet of you to clean thoroughly, but maybe the better way to go would have been to just make sure anything obvious was taken care of and then knock on to her first and say: "Do you need to use the bathroom? I was going to give it a clean, but that can wait if you're in a rush."
Then she has the option to take it as it comes which from what you've said was probably fine and you were just being thoughtfully thorough, or she can let you clean and accept she needs to wait 10 minutes. It just shows that you're being mindful of her time as well.

I'm sure it will all blow over and best of luck with your final year!

Half an hour is not so long throughout the day, mornings are different when it is a shared bathroom and everyone is on schedule.
I can understand why she thought you were taking along time, she was unreasonable to shout about it.

I think it was good to apologise for taking up time in the bathroom... but her reaction was completely over the top... rage? missing class because of it?

Completely unacceptable. And has got her nowhere as you are now considering moving out. The deed was done, the apology forwarded.. what was the point of literally screaming.

I don't think you should keep apologising... not before you've looked her right in the eye and said "Don't you ever dare scream at me like that again!"

If she's embarrassed by her out burst and wants a reconciliation that's good and you can both work on how to organise sharing the flat, but if she thinks she's fully justified behaving like that then I think you have nothing to lose by going to the uni accomodation and seeing if there's somewhere else to live. Why waste your last year being miserable.

And if she does gossip about you to other people what's she going to say.. OP spent too long inthe bathroom and I didn't have time to wash my hair? LOL